Don't sweat it.
Does your boyfriend or girlfriend still
have a relationship of a platonic nature
with his or her ex? Does this relationship
with the ex keep popping up in your
relationship to the point where you feel
threatened by the relationship? Do you
worry about their past, and their history
together? Do you feel inadequate or
insecure about their conversations and
interactions?
I want to turn your attention to a concept
known as Starvation Economics. This
concept was introduced to me by a book
on open relationships, Ethical Slut by
Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. The
basic concept is that love is endless, and
there is no allotment of love. Love is not
to be rationed.
But the basic premise when dealing with,
for example jealousy, the kind that pops
up when we worry about our partner
cheating on us, or still being in love with
their ex boyfriend or girlfriend, is that
there is no cap on the amount of love we
can give or recieve.
We believe that just because he is in
love with me, he mustn't fall in love
with another, for if he did he would
fall out of love with me.
When in fact most people are capable of
loving many, and most people who do fall
in love with another, at the other person's
expense, probably fell out of love long
before falling in love again.
The basic point I am trying to make is
that the capacity for love is infinite and
ownership and possessiveness are
prescribed by society. For some reason
we have been taught that we can only be
in love with one person, fall in love with
one person and that one person will fulfill
all of those needs.
And this may be true for many, however
this does not diminish the fact that the
ability to love is endless. It's not as if we
only have a 100% of love to give and then
it will run out. That simply is not the
case.
It is unrealistic to think that an ex
boyfriend or ex spouse does not hold a
spot in our hearts and in our history. It's
part of where we were and lends to where
we have come in life, and where we are
now. We should not feel threatened by
small innocent interactions.
When we are full of loving we will tend to
realize and understand that our partners
love for us is most likely quite different
than the love they have with their ex.
True, with not as much history, perhaps,
but nonetheless, special in it's own way.
Not better. Not worse.
Don't be jealous of all the dirty
water under the bridge of their old
relationship.
Learn to accept it as a part of your
partner's package and move on. Nit-
picking over the relationship your
partner has with his or her ex has more to
do with you than it does with them. Not
everyone believes that they have to cut off
all ties with their exes. That is okay.
Focus on your relationship, not on the
other relationships your partner has. If he
is not breaking your trust by doing
something dishonest, then his
relationships are his business, and part of
his package when coming into a
relationship with you. We do not own our
partners.
However, if you are truly worried that
your partner may leave you for his ex, or
concerned about the bond they have, ask
yourself is this a realistic reason to be
upset or are you just jealous?
Jealousy always has more to do
with you and your unrealistic fears,
such as your fear of loss,
abandonment, being alone and
being rejected/left behind for
someone else.
Jealousy stems from feelings of internal
inferiority, from a lack of love for
yourself first, which leaves you incapable
of wanting only the best for others, and in
the end loving others. When you have the
love for yourself, you can recognize that
jealousy does not have to do with being
realistic about the stability of your
relationship, the bond, and trust you have
with your partner.
It does not lend to wanting the best for
your partner. If however, there is
something else going on, and your fears
are actually based in reality (be honest
with yourself, and remember you can get
professional help too, it always helps to
talk about these things) then before you
make any sudden moves make sure you
recognize the true nature of your
emotions.
Mou is a sex therapist based in Los
Angeles. Visit her website at
www.LASexTherapist.com. This is an
excerpt from her book, Marriage, Money
and Porn, available on Amazon.
Does your boyfriend or girlfriend still
have a relationship of a platonic nature
with his or her ex? Does this relationship
with the ex keep popping up in your
relationship to the point where you feel
threatened by the relationship? Do you
worry about their past, and their history
together? Do you feel inadequate or
insecure about their conversations and
interactions?
I want to turn your attention to a concept
known as Starvation Economics. This
concept was introduced to me by a book
on open relationships, Ethical Slut by
Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. The
basic concept is that love is endless, and
there is no allotment of love. Love is not
to be rationed.
But the basic premise when dealing with,
for example jealousy, the kind that pops
up when we worry about our partner
cheating on us, or still being in love with
their ex boyfriend or girlfriend, is that
there is no cap on the amount of love we
can give or recieve.
We believe that just because he is in
love with me, he mustn't fall in love
with another, for if he did he would
fall out of love with me.
When in fact most people are capable of
loving many, and most people who do fall
in love with another, at the other person's
expense, probably fell out of love long
before falling in love again.
The basic point I am trying to make is
that the capacity for love is infinite and
ownership and possessiveness are
prescribed by society. For some reason
we have been taught that we can only be
in love with one person, fall in love with
one person and that one person will fulfill
all of those needs.
And this may be true for many, however
this does not diminish the fact that the
ability to love is endless. It's not as if we
only have a 100% of love to give and then
it will run out. That simply is not the
case.
It is unrealistic to think that an ex
boyfriend or ex spouse does not hold a
spot in our hearts and in our history. It's
part of where we were and lends to where
we have come in life, and where we are
now. We should not feel threatened by
small innocent interactions.
When we are full of loving we will tend to
realize and understand that our partners
love for us is most likely quite different
than the love they have with their ex.
True, with not as much history, perhaps,
but nonetheless, special in it's own way.
Not better. Not worse.
Don't be jealous of all the dirty
water under the bridge of their old
relationship.
Learn to accept it as a part of your
partner's package and move on. Nit-
picking over the relationship your
partner has with his or her ex has more to
do with you than it does with them. Not
everyone believes that they have to cut off
all ties with their exes. That is okay.
Focus on your relationship, not on the
other relationships your partner has. If he
is not breaking your trust by doing
something dishonest, then his
relationships are his business, and part of
his package when coming into a
relationship with you. We do not own our
partners.
However, if you are truly worried that
your partner may leave you for his ex, or
concerned about the bond they have, ask
yourself is this a realistic reason to be
upset or are you just jealous?
Jealousy always has more to do
with you and your unrealistic fears,
such as your fear of loss,
abandonment, being alone and
being rejected/left behind for
someone else.
Jealousy stems from feelings of internal
inferiority, from a lack of love for
yourself first, which leaves you incapable
of wanting only the best for others, and in
the end loving others. When you have the
love for yourself, you can recognize that
jealousy does not have to do with being
realistic about the stability of your
relationship, the bond, and trust you have
with your partner.
It does not lend to wanting the best for
your partner. If however, there is
something else going on, and your fears
are actually based in reality (be honest
with yourself, and remember you can get
professional help too, it always helps to
talk about these things) then before you
make any sudden moves make sure you
recognize the true nature of your
emotions.
Mou is a sex therapist based in Los
Angeles. Visit her website at
www.LASexTherapist.com. This is an
excerpt from her book, Marriage, Money
and Porn, available on Amazon.
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