We've all heard that laughter is the best
medicine, and it's true. Laughter
relieves tension and stress, elevates
mood, enhances creativity, and boosts
energy. Laughter also plays an essential
role in building strong, healthy
relationships by bringing people closer
together, creating intimacy, and
resolving conflict and disagreements.
Whether you're dating or in a long-term
relationship, you can learn to use humor
and play to strengthen the bond
between you and help you fix
relationship problems.
The power of humor and laughter
Humor plays an important role in
relationships from initial attraction to
long-term commitment. In new
relationships, humor can be an effective
tool not just for attracting the other
person but also for overcoming any
awkwardness or embarrassment that
arises during dating and the process of
getting to know one another. In longer-
term relationships, humor can keep
things exciting, fresh, and vibrant. It can
also help you overcome conflicts,
disagreements, and the tiny
aggravations than can build up over
time and wreck even the strongest of
relationships.
Sharing the pleasure of humor creates a
sense of intimacy and connection
between two people—qualities that
define solid, successful relationships.
When you laugh with one another, you
create a positive bond between you. This
bond acts as a strong buffer against
stress, disagreements, disappointments,
and bad patches in a relationship. And
laughter really is contagious—just
hearing someone laugh primes you to
smile and join in on the fun. But don't
worry if you're not naturally a
lighthearted, humorous person—you can
learn to access your playful side and
develop your sense of fun.
Humor and relationship problems
Humor isn't a miracle cure for
relationship problems but it can be an
important tool to help you overcome
the rough spots that afflict every
relationship from time to time. Whether
your relationship problems stem from
issues connected to money, sex,
commitment, health, employment,
parenting styles, or growing apart, you
can use humor to help resolve problems
and strengthen relationships.
Humor can help you and your loved one:
Form a stronger bond to each
other. Your health and happiness
depend, to a large degree, on the
quality of your relationships—and
laughter binds people together.
Smooth over differences. Using
gentle humor often helps you address
even the most sensitive relationship
issues, such as sex or in-laws.
Diffuse tension. A well-timed joke
can ease a tense situation and help
you resolve disagreements.
Overcome problems and
setbacks. A sense of humor is the
key to resilience. It helps you take
hardships in stride, weather
disappointment, and bounce back
from adversity and loss.
Put things into perspective. Most
situations are not as bleak as they
appear to be when looked at from a
playful and humorous point of view.
Humor can help you reframe
problems that might otherwise seem
overwhelming and damage a
relationship.
Be more creative. Humor and
playfulness can loosen you up,
energize your thinking, and inspire
creative problem solving for any
relationship issue.
Fixing relationship problems tip #1:
Use humor to defuse conflict
Conflict is an inevitable part of all
relationships. It may take the form of
major discord between the two of you
or simply petty aggravations that have
built up over time. Either way, how you
manage conflict can often determine
how successful your relationship will be.
When conflict and disagreement throw a
wrench in your relationship, humor and
playfulness can help lighten things up
and restore a sense of connection. Used
skillfully and respectfully, a little
lighthearted humor can quickly turn
conflict and tension into an opportunity
for shared fun and intimacy. It allows
you to get your point across without
getting the other person's defenses up
or hurting his or her feelings. For
example:
Lori's husband, a contractor,
often comes home sweaty and
dirty from his job. This is a major
turn off for Lori, and when her
husband tries to give her a
romantic hello, she turns away
and asks him to take a bath. This
makes her husband angry, and he
accuses her of not appreciating
what he does for a living. To
resolve this conflict, Lori has
started turning on the tub water
before he gets home, and then she
playfully peels off his clothes when
he walks through the door, and
sometimes joins him in the tub.
Alex is retired, but he still goes
up on the roof to clean the gutters.
His wife, Angie, has told him
numerous times that it scares her
when he uses the ladder. Today,
instead of her usual complaints,
she yells up to him, "You know,
it's husbands like you who turn
wives into nags." Alex laughs and
carefully comes down from the
roof.
Humor—free of hurtful sarcasm or
ridicule—neutralizes conflict by helping
you:
Interrupt the power struggle,
instantly easing tension and allowing
you to reconnect and regain
perspective.
Be more spontaneous. Shared
laughter and play helps you break
free from rigid ways of thinking and
behaving, allowing you to see the
problem in a new way and find a
creative solution.
Be less defensive. In playful
settings, we hear things differently
and can tolerate learning things
about ourselves that we otherwise
might find unpleasant or even
painful.
Let go of inhibitions. Laughter
opens us up, freeing us to express
what we truly feel and allowing our
deep, genuine emotions to rise to the
surface.
Fixing relationship problems tip #2:
Make sure you're both in on the joke
Like any tool, humor can be used in
negative as well as positive ways.
Making snide, hurtful remarks, for
example, then criticizing the other
person for not being able to take a joke
will create even more problems and
ultimately damage a relationship.
Humor can only help you overcome
relationship problems when both
partners are in on the joke. It's
important to be sensitive to the other
person. If your partner or friend isn't
likely to appreciate the joke, don't say
or do it, even if it's "all in good
fun."When the joking is one-sided
rather than mutual, it undermines trust
and goodwill and can damage the
relationship.
Consider the following example:
Michelle's feet are always cold
when she gets into bed, but she
has what she thinks is a playful
solution. She heats up her icy feet
by placing them on her husband
Kevin's warm body. Kevin hates
this game, and has repeatedly told
Michelle that he doesn't
appreciate being used as a foot
warmer, but she just laughs at his
complaints. Lately, Kevin has
taken to sleeping at the far edge of
the bed, a solution that distances
them as a couple.
Humor in relationships should be
equally fun and enjoyable for both
people. If your partner doesn't think
your joking or teasing is funny— stop
immediately. Before you start playing
around, take a moment to consider your
motives, as well as your partner's state
of mind and sense of humor.
Ask yourself the following
questions:
Do you feel calm, clear-headed, and
connected to the other person?
Is your true intent to communicate
positive feelings—or are you taking a
dig, expressing anger, or laughing at
the other person's expense?
Are you sure that the joke will be
understood and appreciated?
Are you aware of the emotional tone
of the nonverbal messages you are
sending? Are you giving off positive,
warm signals or a negative or hostile
tone?
Are you sensitive to the nonverbal
signals the other person is sending?
Do they seem open and receptive to
your humor, or closed-off and
offended?
Are you willing and able to back off if
the other person responds negatively
to the joke?
If you say or do something that
offends, is it easy for you to
immediately apologize?
Fixing relationship problems tip #3:
Don't use humor to cover up other
emotions
Humor helps you stay resilient in the
face of life's challenges. Bu,t there are
times when humor is not healthy—and
that's when it is used as a cover for
avoiding, rather than coping with,
painful emotions. Laughter can be a
disguise for feelings of hurt, fear, anger,
and disappointment that you don't want
to feel or don't know how to express.
You can be funny about the truth, but
covering up the truth isn't funny. When
you use humor and playfulness as a
cover for other emotions, you create
confusion and mistrust in your
relationships. The following are
examples of misplaced humor:
Mike is a constant jokester.
Nothing ever seems to get him
down and he never takes anything
seriously. No matter what
happens to him or to anyone else,
he makes a joke out of the
situation. In reality, Mike is
terrified of intimacy and
commitment in his relationships,
and uses humor to avoid
uncomfortable feelings and to
keep others at arm's length.
Sharon is often jealous and
possessive with her boyfriend
John, but she has never learned to
openly discuss her insecurities and
fears. Instead, she uses what she
thinks is humor to express her
feelings. Her jokes, however,
usually having a biting, almost
hostile edge to them, and John
doesn't find them funny at all.
Instead of laughing, he often
responds with a quiet coldness or
withdrawal.
For cues as to whether or not humor is
being used to conceal other emotions,
ask yourself the following questions:
Do nonverbal communication signals
—such as tone of voice, intensity,
timing—feel genuinely humorous to
you, or do you experience them as
forced or "not right" somehow?
Is humor the only emotion you
routinely express, or is there a
mixture of other emotions that at
least occasionally includes sadness,
fear, and anger?
Fixing relationship problems tip #4:
Develop your playful side
It's never too late to develop and
embrace your playful, humorous side. If
you find yourself limiting your
playfulness, it's possible that you're self-
conscious and concerned about how
you'll look and sound to others when
you attempt to be funny or witty.
Fearing rejection or ridicule when
attempting to be funny is an
understandable fear, but it's important
to point out that as a baby, you were
naturally playful; you didn't worry about
the reactions of other people. You can
reclaim your inborn playfulness by
setting aside regular, quality playtime.
The more you joke, play, and laugh—the
easier it becomes.
Monitor your partner's
nonverbal cues. If your partner is
not appreciating or enjoying your
attempts at humor, you'll be able to
tell from his or her body language.
Does her smile seem fake or forced?
Is he leaning away from you or
leaning towards you, encouraging you
to continue?
Avoid mean-spirited humor. It
may work for some comedians on
stage, but used one-on-one at home,
it will not only fall flat but may also
damage your relationship. Saying
something hurtful or insulting, even
when framed as a joke, will alienate
the other person and weaken the
bond between you.
Create inside jokes. An inside joke
is something that only the two of you
understand. It can often be reduced
to a word or short phrase that
reminds you both of a funny incident
or amusing story, and is usually
guaranteed to generate a smile or
laugh from the other person. When
you and your partner are the only
ones "in" on the joke, it can create
intimacy and draw you together.
Don't be afraid to "play the fool.
" Remember, you're not trying to
impress or entertain your partner,
but simply to lighten up and make
the two of you more relaxed. Goof
around, wear wacky clothing, be silly
like a kid. It can lower your partner's
defenses, relieve tension, and help
you to smooth over differences.
It's safe to start with self-
deprecating humor
If you're uncomfortable with
making lighthearted banter or
cracking jokes, or you struggle to
know what's appropriate in any
given situation, start by using self-
deprecating humor. We all love
people who don't take themselves
too seriously and are able to gently
poke fun at their own failings. After
all, we're all flawed and we all make
mistakes. So if you're having a bad
hair day or you've just spilled coffee
over yourself, make a joke about it.
Even if the joke falls flat or comes
out wrong, the only person you risk
offending is yourself.
Once you're comfortable making
jokes about yourself, you can
broaden your range to include other
types of humor.
Cultivating your sense of humor
and playfulness
The process of learning to play depends
on your preferences. Begin by observing
what you already do that borders on fun
or playful. For example, you may like to:
Tell or listen to jokes
Watch funny movies or TV shows
Dance around to cheesy music when
you're alone
Sing playfully in the shower
Daydream
Read the funny pages/comic strips
After you recognize playful things you
already enjoy, you can try to
incorporate more humorous activities
into your relationships. The important
thing is to find enjoyable activities that
loosen you up and help you embrace
your playful nature with other people.
Another excellent way to get in
touch with your playful side is to
practice with "experts":
Play with animals. Puppies,
kittens, and other animals—both
young and old—are eager playmates
and always ready to frolic. Make play
dates with friends' pets, stop to play
with a friendly animal in your
neighborhood, or consider getting a
pet of your own.
Play with babies and young
children. The real authorities in
human play are children, especially
young children. Playing with children
who know and trust you is a
wonderful way to learn from the
experts.
Interact playfully with customer
service people. Most people in the
service industry are social and you'll
find that many will welcome playful
banter. Try your wit out on a friendly
cashier, receptionist, waiter, hostess,
or salesperson.
As humor and play become an
integrated part of your life, you'll begin
to find daily opportunities for using
your newfound skills to help build and
maintain your relationships.
www.josiahdele.blogspot.com
medicine, and it's true. Laughter
relieves tension and stress, elevates
mood, enhances creativity, and boosts
energy. Laughter also plays an essential
role in building strong, healthy
relationships by bringing people closer
together, creating intimacy, and
resolving conflict and disagreements.
Whether you're dating or in a long-term
relationship, you can learn to use humor
and play to strengthen the bond
between you and help you fix
relationship problems.
The power of humor and laughter
Humor plays an important role in
relationships from initial attraction to
long-term commitment. In new
relationships, humor can be an effective
tool not just for attracting the other
person but also for overcoming any
awkwardness or embarrassment that
arises during dating and the process of
getting to know one another. In longer-
term relationships, humor can keep
things exciting, fresh, and vibrant. It can
also help you overcome conflicts,
disagreements, and the tiny
aggravations than can build up over
time and wreck even the strongest of
relationships.
Sharing the pleasure of humor creates a
sense of intimacy and connection
between two people—qualities that
define solid, successful relationships.
When you laugh with one another, you
create a positive bond between you. This
bond acts as a strong buffer against
stress, disagreements, disappointments,
and bad patches in a relationship. And
laughter really is contagious—just
hearing someone laugh primes you to
smile and join in on the fun. But don't
worry if you're not naturally a
lighthearted, humorous person—you can
learn to access your playful side and
develop your sense of fun.
Humor and relationship problems
Humor isn't a miracle cure for
relationship problems but it can be an
important tool to help you overcome
the rough spots that afflict every
relationship from time to time. Whether
your relationship problems stem from
issues connected to money, sex,
commitment, health, employment,
parenting styles, or growing apart, you
can use humor to help resolve problems
and strengthen relationships.
Humor can help you and your loved one:
Form a stronger bond to each
other. Your health and happiness
depend, to a large degree, on the
quality of your relationships—and
laughter binds people together.
Smooth over differences. Using
gentle humor often helps you address
even the most sensitive relationship
issues, such as sex or in-laws.
Diffuse tension. A well-timed joke
can ease a tense situation and help
you resolve disagreements.
Overcome problems and
setbacks. A sense of humor is the
key to resilience. It helps you take
hardships in stride, weather
disappointment, and bounce back
from adversity and loss.
Put things into perspective. Most
situations are not as bleak as they
appear to be when looked at from a
playful and humorous point of view.
Humor can help you reframe
problems that might otherwise seem
overwhelming and damage a
relationship.
Be more creative. Humor and
playfulness can loosen you up,
energize your thinking, and inspire
creative problem solving for any
relationship issue.
Fixing relationship problems tip #1:
Use humor to defuse conflict
Conflict is an inevitable part of all
relationships. It may take the form of
major discord between the two of you
or simply petty aggravations that have
built up over time. Either way, how you
manage conflict can often determine
how successful your relationship will be.
When conflict and disagreement throw a
wrench in your relationship, humor and
playfulness can help lighten things up
and restore a sense of connection. Used
skillfully and respectfully, a little
lighthearted humor can quickly turn
conflict and tension into an opportunity
for shared fun and intimacy. It allows
you to get your point across without
getting the other person's defenses up
or hurting his or her feelings. For
example:
Lori's husband, a contractor,
often comes home sweaty and
dirty from his job. This is a major
turn off for Lori, and when her
husband tries to give her a
romantic hello, she turns away
and asks him to take a bath. This
makes her husband angry, and he
accuses her of not appreciating
what he does for a living. To
resolve this conflict, Lori has
started turning on the tub water
before he gets home, and then she
playfully peels off his clothes when
he walks through the door, and
sometimes joins him in the tub.
Alex is retired, but he still goes
up on the roof to clean the gutters.
His wife, Angie, has told him
numerous times that it scares her
when he uses the ladder. Today,
instead of her usual complaints,
she yells up to him, "You know,
it's husbands like you who turn
wives into nags." Alex laughs and
carefully comes down from the
roof.
Humor—free of hurtful sarcasm or
ridicule—neutralizes conflict by helping
you:
Interrupt the power struggle,
instantly easing tension and allowing
you to reconnect and regain
perspective.
Be more spontaneous. Shared
laughter and play helps you break
free from rigid ways of thinking and
behaving, allowing you to see the
problem in a new way and find a
creative solution.
Be less defensive. In playful
settings, we hear things differently
and can tolerate learning things
about ourselves that we otherwise
might find unpleasant or even
painful.
Let go of inhibitions. Laughter
opens us up, freeing us to express
what we truly feel and allowing our
deep, genuine emotions to rise to the
surface.
Fixing relationship problems tip #2:
Make sure you're both in on the joke
Like any tool, humor can be used in
negative as well as positive ways.
Making snide, hurtful remarks, for
example, then criticizing the other
person for not being able to take a joke
will create even more problems and
ultimately damage a relationship.
Humor can only help you overcome
relationship problems when both
partners are in on the joke. It's
important to be sensitive to the other
person. If your partner or friend isn't
likely to appreciate the joke, don't say
or do it, even if it's "all in good
fun."When the joking is one-sided
rather than mutual, it undermines trust
and goodwill and can damage the
relationship.
Consider the following example:
Michelle's feet are always cold
when she gets into bed, but she
has what she thinks is a playful
solution. She heats up her icy feet
by placing them on her husband
Kevin's warm body. Kevin hates
this game, and has repeatedly told
Michelle that he doesn't
appreciate being used as a foot
warmer, but she just laughs at his
complaints. Lately, Kevin has
taken to sleeping at the far edge of
the bed, a solution that distances
them as a couple.
Humor in relationships should be
equally fun and enjoyable for both
people. If your partner doesn't think
your joking or teasing is funny— stop
immediately. Before you start playing
around, take a moment to consider your
motives, as well as your partner's state
of mind and sense of humor.
Ask yourself the following
questions:
Do you feel calm, clear-headed, and
connected to the other person?
Is your true intent to communicate
positive feelings—or are you taking a
dig, expressing anger, or laughing at
the other person's expense?
Are you sure that the joke will be
understood and appreciated?
Are you aware of the emotional tone
of the nonverbal messages you are
sending? Are you giving off positive,
warm signals or a negative or hostile
tone?
Are you sensitive to the nonverbal
signals the other person is sending?
Do they seem open and receptive to
your humor, or closed-off and
offended?
Are you willing and able to back off if
the other person responds negatively
to the joke?
If you say or do something that
offends, is it easy for you to
immediately apologize?
Fixing relationship problems tip #3:
Don't use humor to cover up other
emotions
Humor helps you stay resilient in the
face of life's challenges. Bu,t there are
times when humor is not healthy—and
that's when it is used as a cover for
avoiding, rather than coping with,
painful emotions. Laughter can be a
disguise for feelings of hurt, fear, anger,
and disappointment that you don't want
to feel or don't know how to express.
You can be funny about the truth, but
covering up the truth isn't funny. When
you use humor and playfulness as a
cover for other emotions, you create
confusion and mistrust in your
relationships. The following are
examples of misplaced humor:
Mike is a constant jokester.
Nothing ever seems to get him
down and he never takes anything
seriously. No matter what
happens to him or to anyone else,
he makes a joke out of the
situation. In reality, Mike is
terrified of intimacy and
commitment in his relationships,
and uses humor to avoid
uncomfortable feelings and to
keep others at arm's length.
Sharon is often jealous and
possessive with her boyfriend
John, but she has never learned to
openly discuss her insecurities and
fears. Instead, she uses what she
thinks is humor to express her
feelings. Her jokes, however,
usually having a biting, almost
hostile edge to them, and John
doesn't find them funny at all.
Instead of laughing, he often
responds with a quiet coldness or
withdrawal.
For cues as to whether or not humor is
being used to conceal other emotions,
ask yourself the following questions:
Do nonverbal communication signals
—such as tone of voice, intensity,
timing—feel genuinely humorous to
you, or do you experience them as
forced or "not right" somehow?
Is humor the only emotion you
routinely express, or is there a
mixture of other emotions that at
least occasionally includes sadness,
fear, and anger?
Fixing relationship problems tip #4:
Develop your playful side
It's never too late to develop and
embrace your playful, humorous side. If
you find yourself limiting your
playfulness, it's possible that you're self-
conscious and concerned about how
you'll look and sound to others when
you attempt to be funny or witty.
Fearing rejection or ridicule when
attempting to be funny is an
understandable fear, but it's important
to point out that as a baby, you were
naturally playful; you didn't worry about
the reactions of other people. You can
reclaim your inborn playfulness by
setting aside regular, quality playtime.
The more you joke, play, and laugh—the
easier it becomes.
Monitor your partner's
nonverbal cues. If your partner is
not appreciating or enjoying your
attempts at humor, you'll be able to
tell from his or her body language.
Does her smile seem fake or forced?
Is he leaning away from you or
leaning towards you, encouraging you
to continue?
Avoid mean-spirited humor. It
may work for some comedians on
stage, but used one-on-one at home,
it will not only fall flat but may also
damage your relationship. Saying
something hurtful or insulting, even
when framed as a joke, will alienate
the other person and weaken the
bond between you.
Create inside jokes. An inside joke
is something that only the two of you
understand. It can often be reduced
to a word or short phrase that
reminds you both of a funny incident
or amusing story, and is usually
guaranteed to generate a smile or
laugh from the other person. When
you and your partner are the only
ones "in" on the joke, it can create
intimacy and draw you together.
Don't be afraid to "play the fool.
" Remember, you're not trying to
impress or entertain your partner,
but simply to lighten up and make
the two of you more relaxed. Goof
around, wear wacky clothing, be silly
like a kid. It can lower your partner's
defenses, relieve tension, and help
you to smooth over differences.
It's safe to start with self-
deprecating humor
If you're uncomfortable with
making lighthearted banter or
cracking jokes, or you struggle to
know what's appropriate in any
given situation, start by using self-
deprecating humor. We all love
people who don't take themselves
too seriously and are able to gently
poke fun at their own failings. After
all, we're all flawed and we all make
mistakes. So if you're having a bad
hair day or you've just spilled coffee
over yourself, make a joke about it.
Even if the joke falls flat or comes
out wrong, the only person you risk
offending is yourself.
Once you're comfortable making
jokes about yourself, you can
broaden your range to include other
types of humor.
Cultivating your sense of humor
and playfulness
The process of learning to play depends
on your preferences. Begin by observing
what you already do that borders on fun
or playful. For example, you may like to:
Tell or listen to jokes
Watch funny movies or TV shows
Dance around to cheesy music when
you're alone
Sing playfully in the shower
Daydream
Read the funny pages/comic strips
After you recognize playful things you
already enjoy, you can try to
incorporate more humorous activities
into your relationships. The important
thing is to find enjoyable activities that
loosen you up and help you embrace
your playful nature with other people.
Another excellent way to get in
touch with your playful side is to
practice with "experts":
Play with animals. Puppies,
kittens, and other animals—both
young and old—are eager playmates
and always ready to frolic. Make play
dates with friends' pets, stop to play
with a friendly animal in your
neighborhood, or consider getting a
pet of your own.
Play with babies and young
children. The real authorities in
human play are children, especially
young children. Playing with children
who know and trust you is a
wonderful way to learn from the
experts.
Interact playfully with customer
service people. Most people in the
service industry are social and you'll
find that many will welcome playful
banter. Try your wit out on a friendly
cashier, receptionist, waiter, hostess,
or salesperson.
As humor and play become an
integrated part of your life, you'll begin
to find daily opportunities for using
your newfound skills to help build and
maintain your relationships.
www.josiahdele.blogspot.com
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