Can we talk about something for a
minute? Do you know what appalls me as
a single mom? Like, the-next-time-I-
hear-this-shit-from someone-I-am-going-
to-release-my-inner-kraken sort of
disdainful of it?
It's the goddamn stigma.
I don't just mean the "you are destroying
America and breeding criminals" stigma
(but f*ck you, too, Rick Santorum), but
the notion that as a single mom, I am
somehow a failure.
That because I had had enough, I've failed
— and not only have I failed myself, but I
have failed my children, my ex-husband,
my family, my community, my potential
future partners, my church (back when I
had one), the institution of marriage
itself, the nobility of motherhood, and
society as a fucking whole.
As if I had a responsibility to anyone but
myself and my kids anyway.
As if the ever-sacred moral fabric of
society will now experience a great and
expeditious unraveling because I decided
not to be married anymore.
As if I should have been stripped of the
title of mother when I shed the title of
wife.
As if anyone else could have done any
better if they'd been dealt the same hand.
As if it is any of anyone's damn business
anyway!
I'm tired of hearing people say that I
"made my choices," as if I ripped apart
my old life as capriciously as I choose an
appetizer. As if staying and allowing
myself to be trodden upon like a bit of
grass in a footpath would have somehow
been preferable to getting the hell out
from under the feet.
I'm tired of men telling me that I am
great, but they can't accept my
"situation," as if I am standing in
quicksand, waiting to suck them in and
suffocate them in a vortex of need and
poverty, and unrelenting expectation.
I have children, not a "situation."
I'm tired of some married folk acting as if
I am dangerous, like I want to ruin all
marriages everywhere, because if I can't
have one then neither can you.
I'm tired of hearing people say — in that
knowing and righteous tone — "she's a
single mom" to describe other women,
before they know that I am one, too. As if
those four words explain the sum total of
her character, her abilities, her potential,
and her life.
You know what failed? My
marriage, NOT me.
It strikes me as intensely hypocritical
that the general attitude towards the
women who have chosen to make
enormous sacrifices in order to do
whatever it takes to provide their kids
with the best life they possibly can is one
of derision.
The truth? A marriage is not always the
best place to raise kids. Some
relationships are toxic and no amount of
therapy or holy water can exorcize its
demons.
Some women have partners who hate
them, abuse them, neglect them, cheat on
them, lie to them, abandon them, hurt
them, leave them, or just make them
fucking sad.
Some women chose the wrong partner
once upon a time or grew into a person
who needs something else.
Some women had wonderful partners
who died too soon.
Some women didn't even get the
opportunity to have a partner, but they
had the opportunity to be a mother — and
they seized upon it, partner be damned.
In a society that so reveres
motherhood, how can there be so
much disdain for women who have
chosen to be mothers at all costs?
Of mothers who opted to take an
exhausting and lonely road because they
knew it would be better for their babies
in the long run?
Who chose not to run away, but to scoop
their children up and carry them to
safety?
How is there such a prevailing belief that
a woman who will work her ass off to do
right by the tiny people she loves is bad
for society? In what realm does any of
that make an iota of sense?
There is more to life and
womanhood and motherhood than
relationship status, and said status
has no bearing on one's ability to
mother well.
When I split from my ex-husband, my
capacity to love and care for my children
was not divvied up in the divorce. The fact
that I have not found a suitable life
partner in the intervening time does not
prove that I am somehow unfit to help my
littles navigate this world.
It is not evidence of some intrinsic
nurturing deficiency, some genetic flaw in
my mommy gene, or a deviant nature. It
is utterly irrelevant.
Single mothers don't owe the world
explanation or apology, and we sure as
hell don't deserve any ire. We carry a
heavy load, and often it feels like we are
carrying it while swimming upstream.
We are doing our damnedest to be good
moms, good friends, good employees,
good people, good everything. A lot of us
didn't set out to parent alone, but life is
messy and unexpected things happen, so
we are doing it anyway.
Because the vow we each made to love
our children ferociously supersedes any
other vow — even the ones that got
broken. So here we are, doing it anyway.
If that's failure, it's time to reevaluate the
definition of success.
....
Unomum is our space to explore the
many million issues
of single motherhood, but it's also for all
the ladies — women stuck in shitty
marriages, unfulfilled broads wishing
for divorce, and happily coupled former
single moms with a shit-ton of wisdom to
share.
minute? Do you know what appalls me as
a single mom? Like, the-next-time-I-
hear-this-shit-from someone-I-am-going-
to-release-my-inner-kraken sort of
disdainful of it?
It's the goddamn stigma.
I don't just mean the "you are destroying
America and breeding criminals" stigma
(but f*ck you, too, Rick Santorum), but
the notion that as a single mom, I am
somehow a failure.
That because I had had enough, I've failed
— and not only have I failed myself, but I
have failed my children, my ex-husband,
my family, my community, my potential
future partners, my church (back when I
had one), the institution of marriage
itself, the nobility of motherhood, and
society as a fucking whole.
As if I had a responsibility to anyone but
myself and my kids anyway.
As if the ever-sacred moral fabric of
society will now experience a great and
expeditious unraveling because I decided
not to be married anymore.
As if I should have been stripped of the
title of mother when I shed the title of
wife.
As if anyone else could have done any
better if they'd been dealt the same hand.
As if it is any of anyone's damn business
anyway!
I'm tired of hearing people say that I
"made my choices," as if I ripped apart
my old life as capriciously as I choose an
appetizer. As if staying and allowing
myself to be trodden upon like a bit of
grass in a footpath would have somehow
been preferable to getting the hell out
from under the feet.
I'm tired of men telling me that I am
great, but they can't accept my
"situation," as if I am standing in
quicksand, waiting to suck them in and
suffocate them in a vortex of need and
poverty, and unrelenting expectation.
I have children, not a "situation."
I'm tired of some married folk acting as if
I am dangerous, like I want to ruin all
marriages everywhere, because if I can't
have one then neither can you.
I'm tired of hearing people say — in that
knowing and righteous tone — "she's a
single mom" to describe other women,
before they know that I am one, too. As if
those four words explain the sum total of
her character, her abilities, her potential,
and her life.
You know what failed? My
marriage, NOT me.
It strikes me as intensely hypocritical
that the general attitude towards the
women who have chosen to make
enormous sacrifices in order to do
whatever it takes to provide their kids
with the best life they possibly can is one
of derision.
The truth? A marriage is not always the
best place to raise kids. Some
relationships are toxic and no amount of
therapy or holy water can exorcize its
demons.
Some women have partners who hate
them, abuse them, neglect them, cheat on
them, lie to them, abandon them, hurt
them, leave them, or just make them
fucking sad.
Some women chose the wrong partner
once upon a time or grew into a person
who needs something else.
Some women had wonderful partners
who died too soon.
Some women didn't even get the
opportunity to have a partner, but they
had the opportunity to be a mother — and
they seized upon it, partner be damned.
In a society that so reveres
motherhood, how can there be so
much disdain for women who have
chosen to be mothers at all costs?
Of mothers who opted to take an
exhausting and lonely road because they
knew it would be better for their babies
in the long run?
Who chose not to run away, but to scoop
their children up and carry them to
safety?
How is there such a prevailing belief that
a woman who will work her ass off to do
right by the tiny people she loves is bad
for society? In what realm does any of
that make an iota of sense?
There is more to life and
womanhood and motherhood than
relationship status, and said status
has no bearing on one's ability to
mother well.
When I split from my ex-husband, my
capacity to love and care for my children
was not divvied up in the divorce. The fact
that I have not found a suitable life
partner in the intervening time does not
prove that I am somehow unfit to help my
littles navigate this world.
It is not evidence of some intrinsic
nurturing deficiency, some genetic flaw in
my mommy gene, or a deviant nature. It
is utterly irrelevant.
Single mothers don't owe the world
explanation or apology, and we sure as
hell don't deserve any ire. We carry a
heavy load, and often it feels like we are
carrying it while swimming upstream.
We are doing our damnedest to be good
moms, good friends, good employees,
good people, good everything. A lot of us
didn't set out to parent alone, but life is
messy and unexpected things happen, so
we are doing it anyway.
Because the vow we each made to love
our children ferociously supersedes any
other vow — even the ones that got
broken. So here we are, doing it anyway.
If that's failure, it's time to reevaluate the
definition of success.
....
Unomum is our space to explore the
many million issues
of single motherhood, but it's also for all
the ladies — women stuck in shitty
marriages, unfulfilled broads wishing
for divorce, and happily coupled former
single moms with a shit-ton of wisdom to
share.
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