Did you know you can skyrocket
the connection you feel with a man
simply by choosing different
words when you speak to him?
There comes a time – maybe
shortly after you get to know a
man, or maybe a little later –
when you'll want to tell him
something that's bothering you,
and yet you feel afraid to tell him
the truth for fear of messing
things up or pushing him away.
This happens to all of us. Even
now, before I speak a hard "truth"
to my husband, I feel that thrill of
fear go through me – the "good
girl" part of me that thinks I'm
better off "keeping things to
myself."
And yet, what if the hardest things
imaginable to say to a man…could
make him love you more? Well,
they can.
IF YOU WANT HIM TO FALL
FOR YOU, DON'T HOLD
BACK.
It's absolutely crucial to speak
your truth using the right words –
at the right time, with the right
body language, and radiating the
right "vibe" from inside of you. To
show you what I mean and help
you practice this, I've created a
Tool. It's called "Tell the Truth":
1. If I made "telling the truth to a
man" a game for you, where you
couldn't vent, or yell, or complain,
or make him wrong – or even say
the word "you" to him – how
would you say it in the most
truthful, fully-expressed way
possible? I want you to just
consider this. Give yourself some
time to breathe and mull it over.
2. Now, imagine a situation with a
man that comes up all the time,
that's bothering you constantly, or
seemed to be a pattern of conflict
and upset for you in past
relationships.
3. Imagine that he's standing in
front of you. Allow yourself to
FEEL what you feel, what you've
felt, what the memory brings up
for you, and how you feel
imagining him standing right
there in front of you.
4. Stand in a comfortable
position, with your palms turned
toward the man you imagine
standing in front of you. Now, as
silly as this may sound, imagine
there's a big plastic zipper over
your heart – and pull that zipper
down to expose your heart. Allow
yourself to feel what it feels like to
have your heart open to the world
and the man in front of you. Track
your entire body so that you
notice what parts are tense, and,
as you gently allow the tense parts
to release and relax and rest,
notice where tension shows up in
other parts of your body.
6. Now imagine what you want to
say to him about what you need
and want and would change about
him and your situation together –
and say it out loud if you can.
7. Write it out for yourself – what
you would normally say to him,
what you're imagining saying to
him, what you've said out
loud. (It's great to carry a journal
or piece of paper with you to
practice this tool as much as you
can to change things as fast as you
can.) Just write what you
instinctively first want to say…
using the words you most usually
want to use. And then…
8. Translate it into what I call
" Feeling Messages." This means
using words that actually say what
you FEEL – you focus entirely on
the feeling you're having rather
than on his behavior. Just rework
what you instinctively want to say
– how you want to hurl your upset
at him – and write it all in poetry,
from your heart, instead of
"descriptions" and "reportings"
from your head. Make it only from
you, sharing your feeling state and
not linking it at ALL to what has
happened or what he did or didn't
do, or who he seems to be or not
be.
For instance, you might want to
say: "You never make plans
anymore – it's always me making
plans for the two of us. If I don't
make the plans, nothing happens –
we just sit and watch TV. I need
for you to move this relationship
forward, and I want to improve
our connection by doing more
things together."
Instead, try: "I feel bad and
uncomfortable without plans for
the two of us anymore. I miss
that." Then: "I feel so alone and
lonely and like I'm single and
leading a life so separate from
you. I miss you. I miss feeling
close to you. I don't want a
relationship with you right now
that feels like just dating."
Can you see the differences?
In the first instance, you're talking
about him, and what he's doing
and not doing, and what you think
he could do to solve the
problem. In the second approach,
you're only using the word "I" as a
frame of reference. You're not
asking him to do anything, you're
not making him wrong, and you're
not asking him why he's acting the
way he does.
When you talk to a man this way,
something miraculous
happens. He doesn't feel attacked,
so he doesn't feel a need to defend
himself. You're also
communicating to him that you
trust him – you trust him enough
to reveal yourself to him, and you
trust him to want to make you
happy. In essence, you've created
instant intimacy.
the connection you feel with a man
simply by choosing different
words when you speak to him?
There comes a time – maybe
shortly after you get to know a
man, or maybe a little later –
when you'll want to tell him
something that's bothering you,
and yet you feel afraid to tell him
the truth for fear of messing
things up or pushing him away.
This happens to all of us. Even
now, before I speak a hard "truth"
to my husband, I feel that thrill of
fear go through me – the "good
girl" part of me that thinks I'm
better off "keeping things to
myself."
And yet, what if the hardest things
imaginable to say to a man…could
make him love you more? Well,
they can.
IF YOU WANT HIM TO FALL
FOR YOU, DON'T HOLD
BACK.
It's absolutely crucial to speak
your truth using the right words –
at the right time, with the right
body language, and radiating the
right "vibe" from inside of you. To
show you what I mean and help
you practice this, I've created a
Tool. It's called "Tell the Truth":
1. If I made "telling the truth to a
man" a game for you, where you
couldn't vent, or yell, or complain,
or make him wrong – or even say
the word "you" to him – how
would you say it in the most
truthful, fully-expressed way
possible? I want you to just
consider this. Give yourself some
time to breathe and mull it over.
2. Now, imagine a situation with a
man that comes up all the time,
that's bothering you constantly, or
seemed to be a pattern of conflict
and upset for you in past
relationships.
3. Imagine that he's standing in
front of you. Allow yourself to
FEEL what you feel, what you've
felt, what the memory brings up
for you, and how you feel
imagining him standing right
there in front of you.
4. Stand in a comfortable
position, with your palms turned
toward the man you imagine
standing in front of you. Now, as
silly as this may sound, imagine
there's a big plastic zipper over
your heart – and pull that zipper
down to expose your heart. Allow
yourself to feel what it feels like to
have your heart open to the world
and the man in front of you. Track
your entire body so that you
notice what parts are tense, and,
as you gently allow the tense parts
to release and relax and rest,
notice where tension shows up in
other parts of your body.
6. Now imagine what you want to
say to him about what you need
and want and would change about
him and your situation together –
and say it out loud if you can.
7. Write it out for yourself – what
you would normally say to him,
what you're imagining saying to
him, what you've said out
loud. (It's great to carry a journal
or piece of paper with you to
practice this tool as much as you
can to change things as fast as you
can.) Just write what you
instinctively first want to say…
using the words you most usually
want to use. And then…
8. Translate it into what I call
" Feeling Messages." This means
using words that actually say what
you FEEL – you focus entirely on
the feeling you're having rather
than on his behavior. Just rework
what you instinctively want to say
– how you want to hurl your upset
at him – and write it all in poetry,
from your heart, instead of
"descriptions" and "reportings"
from your head. Make it only from
you, sharing your feeling state and
not linking it at ALL to what has
happened or what he did or didn't
do, or who he seems to be or not
be.
For instance, you might want to
say: "You never make plans
anymore – it's always me making
plans for the two of us. If I don't
make the plans, nothing happens –
we just sit and watch TV. I need
for you to move this relationship
forward, and I want to improve
our connection by doing more
things together."
Instead, try: "I feel bad and
uncomfortable without plans for
the two of us anymore. I miss
that." Then: "I feel so alone and
lonely and like I'm single and
leading a life so separate from
you. I miss you. I miss feeling
close to you. I don't want a
relationship with you right now
that feels like just dating."
Can you see the differences?
In the first instance, you're talking
about him, and what he's doing
and not doing, and what you think
he could do to solve the
problem. In the second approach,
you're only using the word "I" as a
frame of reference. You're not
asking him to do anything, you're
not making him wrong, and you're
not asking him why he's acting the
way he does.
When you talk to a man this way,
something miraculous
happens. He doesn't feel attacked,
so he doesn't feel a need to defend
himself. You're also
communicating to him that you
trust him – you trust him enough
to reveal yourself to him, and you
trust him to want to make you
happy. In essence, you've created
instant intimacy.
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