Over the years, out of curiosity,
because I love hearing people's
stories, and due to the fact that I
am in what I consider a very-
successful very-long lasting
relationship (36 years and
counting), I've asked many
couples: "What's your secret to
thriving together?" Shared values,
common world view, religious
ties, fun travels and adventures,
and yes, good sex, are some of the
characteristics I've often heard.
These are important – very
important – to most couples. Yet,
those qualities don't entirely
describe the over-arching secret
that makes long-lasting
relationships successful.
Successful relationships are
healthy relationships built on
three principles: they are SAFE,
RESPECTFUL and RESOLVED.
Successful, Long-Lasting
Relationships are Safe
On Maslow's hierarchy of needs,
basic safety, i.e. shelter, food, and
clothing is one of the foundational
needs. We can't reach our highest
human potential unless we have
our basic safety needs met. Safety,
however, has other meanings
relevant to relationships. We need
to feel safe — physically and
emotionally — with others before
we open up, share, work together,
and trust each other. We need to
know we won't get knocked
around physically, or emotionally
through verbal or non-verbal
abuse.
Think about it: The last time you
were laughed at, put down or were
on the receiving end of sarcastic,
derogatory, and belittling
comments, how did you feel?
What did you do? My guess is that
you may have shut down
emotionally or pushed back in
some way by being defensive,
equally sarcastic, etc. Healthy
relationships require trust, and
trust is essential for partners to
freely share personal information,
ideas, creativity, affection and
love. Trust is diminished when we
feel unsafe.
When we feel threatened in any
way, we have an arsenal of
behaviors that help us feel safe.
We lash out with resentment,
defend ourselves, shift the blame,
make excuses, keep score, 'go
away' physically or emotionally,
or become tough and independent.
None of these serve the
relationship well. Successful,
long-lasting relationships foster
an environment where both
partners feel safe. How physically
and emotionally safe do you feel in
your relationship? How safe do
you make it for your partner?
Successful, Long-Lasting
Relationships are Respectful
In healthy relationships, there is a
foundation of respect between the
partners. It shows up in every
interaction and every
conversation. It's palpable and
enduring. Respect is the glue that
keeps the partnership alive and
well. Respect is when we esteem
and honor the other person's very
being — their inner qualities and
rights as a human being. Respect
reveals itself in the way we view
their likes and dislikes, opinions,
ideas, and feelings.
Defining respect is a little like
trying to nail jello to a tree; it's a
slippery and hard to get your
hands around it. When it's
present, we know it. When it's not,
we know that, too.
In successful, long-lasting
relationships it shows up in the
way our partner honors and
accepts who we are, in their
consideration of our needs and
wants, and in the ways they listen
and take us seriously.
Respect within a partnership
starts with each person's own self-
respect. We cannot expect others
to respect us if we don't respect
ourselves; we cannot respect
others if we don't feel a hefty dose
of self-respect. All things start
from within and spread outward.
Successful, long-lasting
relationships foster an
environment where respect is the
norm.
In what ways do you respect
yourself? In what ways do you
show disrespect for yourself? How
does respect show up (or not) in
your relationship? How do you, as
a couple, foster mutual respect?
Successful, Long-Lasting
Relationships are Resolved
Just like tying a cement block to a
swimmer will cause them to sink
and drown, unresolved conflicts
and issues are a sure bet to drag
down any relationship.
Too often, out of fear of opening
Pandora's box and making things
worse or getting someone mad
and losing their love, or worry
that the other person can't handle
what we have to say, we avoid
conflict. We smooth things over,
denying to ourselves or them
we're really pissed off, or we stuff
our resentment and anger, or we
hold off bringing our concern up
until there is a "better time." The
challenge is, we can't just turn off
the 'bad' feelings without turning
off the good ones, too. So, any
warm, loving feelings we feel
towards the other person are
subdued along with the ones we
feel uncomfortable expressing, the
anger, frustration,
disappointment, etc.
As a result, distance and a sense of
alienation grow, and over time, if
issues are unresolved, the
relationship is likely to become
yet another statistic of failure.
Unresolved conflicts are, in
essence, the kiss of death for any
relationship.
In healthy relationships, both
partners are committed to
speaking the truth about their
concerns and issues in a safe,
respectful manner. Despite their
knees knocking and the butterflies
in their stomach, they work their
way through fear to resolve
conflicts directly with the other
person. There is a belief the other
person is strong enough to handle
and work through difficult
situations. Unfinished business is
cleaned up so that their love can
be renewed and flourish.
Successful, long-lasting
relationships foster an
environment where conflicts and
issues are surfaced and resolved
safely and respectfully. How are
conflicts and issues handled in
your relationship? Is there a
commitment to safely and
respectfully resolve conflicts and
issues in a timely manner?
because I love hearing people's
stories, and due to the fact that I
am in what I consider a very-
successful very-long lasting
relationship (36 years and
counting), I've asked many
couples: "What's your secret to
thriving together?" Shared values,
common world view, religious
ties, fun travels and adventures,
and yes, good sex, are some of the
characteristics I've often heard.
These are important – very
important – to most couples. Yet,
those qualities don't entirely
describe the over-arching secret
that makes long-lasting
relationships successful.
Successful relationships are
healthy relationships built on
three principles: they are SAFE,
RESPECTFUL and RESOLVED.
Successful, Long-Lasting
Relationships are Safe
On Maslow's hierarchy of needs,
basic safety, i.e. shelter, food, and
clothing is one of the foundational
needs. We can't reach our highest
human potential unless we have
our basic safety needs met. Safety,
however, has other meanings
relevant to relationships. We need
to feel safe — physically and
emotionally — with others before
we open up, share, work together,
and trust each other. We need to
know we won't get knocked
around physically, or emotionally
through verbal or non-verbal
abuse.
Think about it: The last time you
were laughed at, put down or were
on the receiving end of sarcastic,
derogatory, and belittling
comments, how did you feel?
What did you do? My guess is that
you may have shut down
emotionally or pushed back in
some way by being defensive,
equally sarcastic, etc. Healthy
relationships require trust, and
trust is essential for partners to
freely share personal information,
ideas, creativity, affection and
love. Trust is diminished when we
feel unsafe.
When we feel threatened in any
way, we have an arsenal of
behaviors that help us feel safe.
We lash out with resentment,
defend ourselves, shift the blame,
make excuses, keep score, 'go
away' physically or emotionally,
or become tough and independent.
None of these serve the
relationship well. Successful,
long-lasting relationships foster
an environment where both
partners feel safe. How physically
and emotionally safe do you feel in
your relationship? How safe do
you make it for your partner?
Successful, Long-Lasting
Relationships are Respectful
In healthy relationships, there is a
foundation of respect between the
partners. It shows up in every
interaction and every
conversation. It's palpable and
enduring. Respect is the glue that
keeps the partnership alive and
well. Respect is when we esteem
and honor the other person's very
being — their inner qualities and
rights as a human being. Respect
reveals itself in the way we view
their likes and dislikes, opinions,
ideas, and feelings.
Defining respect is a little like
trying to nail jello to a tree; it's a
slippery and hard to get your
hands around it. When it's
present, we know it. When it's not,
we know that, too.
In successful, long-lasting
relationships it shows up in the
way our partner honors and
accepts who we are, in their
consideration of our needs and
wants, and in the ways they listen
and take us seriously.
Respect within a partnership
starts with each person's own self-
respect. We cannot expect others
to respect us if we don't respect
ourselves; we cannot respect
others if we don't feel a hefty dose
of self-respect. All things start
from within and spread outward.
Successful, long-lasting
relationships foster an
environment where respect is the
norm.
In what ways do you respect
yourself? In what ways do you
show disrespect for yourself? How
does respect show up (or not) in
your relationship? How do you, as
a couple, foster mutual respect?
Successful, Long-Lasting
Relationships are Resolved
Just like tying a cement block to a
swimmer will cause them to sink
and drown, unresolved conflicts
and issues are a sure bet to drag
down any relationship.
Too often, out of fear of opening
Pandora's box and making things
worse or getting someone mad
and losing their love, or worry
that the other person can't handle
what we have to say, we avoid
conflict. We smooth things over,
denying to ourselves or them
we're really pissed off, or we stuff
our resentment and anger, or we
hold off bringing our concern up
until there is a "better time." The
challenge is, we can't just turn off
the 'bad' feelings without turning
off the good ones, too. So, any
warm, loving feelings we feel
towards the other person are
subdued along with the ones we
feel uncomfortable expressing, the
anger, frustration,
disappointment, etc.
As a result, distance and a sense of
alienation grow, and over time, if
issues are unresolved, the
relationship is likely to become
yet another statistic of failure.
Unresolved conflicts are, in
essence, the kiss of death for any
relationship.
In healthy relationships, both
partners are committed to
speaking the truth about their
concerns and issues in a safe,
respectful manner. Despite their
knees knocking and the butterflies
in their stomach, they work their
way through fear to resolve
conflicts directly with the other
person. There is a belief the other
person is strong enough to handle
and work through difficult
situations. Unfinished business is
cleaned up so that their love can
be renewed and flourish.
Successful, long-lasting
relationships foster an
environment where conflicts and
issues are surfaced and resolved
safely and respectfully. How are
conflicts and issues handled in
your relationship? Is there a
commitment to safely and
respectfully resolve conflicts and
issues in a timely manner?
Comments