GET. OUT. OF. MY. HEAD.
Many times, when I see single women in
my office for therapy, they talk about the
men they are dating. I've always been
struck with how they still wait for the
text message before going to sleep, and
lose endless hours if their boyfriend
hasn't called them. They become
physically anxious as they describe the
tension they feel, wondering if this guy is
going to ask them out for the weekend.
As I look at these women (many of whom
are doctors, lawyers, teachers, nurses,
and business women) I am puzzled. These
women are gorgeous, successful, and
could have any guy they wanted.
Why are they putting up with this
guy who has them on pins and
needles waiting for a call?
Obsessing about your boyfriend is a "rite
of passage" when you are a teen or in
college, but apparently, it doesn't end
there. Many women who experience this
obsession are in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and
beyond.
Women may get pickier as they get
older and more accomplished, but
they cannot shake off the obsession
with getting the phone call, email,
or good night text.
A study from the University of Virginia
sheds light on women who obsess about a
man. The study suggests that the
obsession itself may actually fuel their
fire. The study was published in
Psychology Science and is based on an
experiment conducted with female
undergraduates.
The female students were told they were
evaluating whether Facebook could work
as an online dating site. The women were
then shown Facebook profiles of what
were considered "likeable, attractive"
men, with researchers manipulating and
falsifying the profiles.
One group of women were told that these
four men liked them the most, a second
group heard that these men rated them as
average, and a third group was left in the
unsettling position of thinking the men
might like them.
As expected, women were more attracted
to men who found them attractive than
men who rated them average. What
researchers didn't expect was the women
who found the men most attractive were
those of the third group.
We have all been through the pains of
wondering, "Will he call me or was he
just saying that to be nice?" Many women
hate this about themselves—the sleepless
nights and wondering about our date's
intention. Even though we may hate this
obsessing, it appears that the obsessing
fuels women to like the guy more.
The researchers of this study, Erin R.
Whitchurch, Timothy D. Wilson and
Daniel T. Gilbert, state in their paper that
women find men more appealing if the
men might like them, rather than men
who definitely do. However, the women
had to feel like there was some interest in
the guy keeping them on pins and
needles.
For the women in my office, this most
likely means the guy is giving them some
attention to fuel their obsession. But
many times, the obsession takes over and
women may find they cannot stay focused
at work, which begins feelings of doubts.
If you find yourself experiencing
this feeling, here are few suggestions
to help you alleviate those obsessive
thoughts:
1. Get in touch with your fears.
Sometimes writing down or talking
about this fear helps get it out of your
head.
2. Limit your obsessiveness. Plan a
time of day and a specific amount of
time (15 minutes) you will allow
yourself to obsess. When the thought
comes to you and it isn't that time of
day, tell yourself it is NOT time and
reserve that thought for the time
permitted.
3. Utilize help from friends. Friends
can help you differentiate fiction from
fact. If you are sure he is out with
someone else and there is no evidence,
your friends can assure you that you
shouldn't think like this until you have
clear evidence.
4. Distract yourself. Whenever you
begin to obsess, transplant a different
thought or action into your schedule.
For example, whenever you begin to
obsess, tell yourself you will do 20
crunches or push-ups. Soon, you will
either find yourself thinking of reasons
not to think about him, or you will be
working toward a buff chest and tight
tummy, which will help boost body
confidence.
5. Shut off all communication. If you
are worried he won't call and you make
yourself unavailable, this helps
preserve the ego. You can tell yourself
maybe he called or maybe he didn't,
but YOU were unavailable. It gives the
control back to you.
Anyone who has ever obsessed about
anyone's affection knows how terribly out
of control it feels. It may fuel the
affection, but it distracts you from being
who you want to be.
The question isn't will he like you or not;
the question is, do you like yourself
enough to acknowledge the
obsessive thoughts , but not let them
control your life?
For more information go to:
www.maryjorapini.com. Talk to me on
my fan page: http://www.facebook.com/
maryjorapini. Tweet me:
@MaryJoRapini.
By Mary Jo Rapini
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