With insight about the real reasons for
your anger and these anger management
tools, you can learn to keep your temper
from hijacking your life.
Understanding anger
The emotion of anger is neither good
nor bad. It's perfectly healthy and
normal to feel angry when you've been
mistreated or wronged. The feeling isn't
the problem—it's what you do with it
that makes a difference. Anger becomes
a problem when it harms you or others.
If you have a hot temper, you may feel
like it's out of your hands and there's
little you can do to tame the beast. But
you have more control over your anger
than you think. You can learn to express
your emotions without hurting others—
and when you do, you'll not only feel
better, you'll also be more likely to get
your needs met. Mastering the art of
anger management takes work, but the
more you practice, the easier it will get.
And the payoff can be huge. Learning to
control your anger and express it
appropriately can help you build better
relationships, achieve your goals, and
lead a healthier, more satisfying life.
Why anger management is
important
You might think that venting your anger
is healthy, that the people around you
are too sensitive, that your anger is
justified, or that you need to show your
fury to get respect. But the truth is that
anger is much more likely to damage
your relationships, impair your
judgment, get in the way of success, and
have a negative impact on the way
people see you.
Out-of-control anger hurts your
physical health. Constantly
operating at high levels of stress and
tension is bad for your health.
Chronic anger makes you more
susceptible to heart disease, diabetes,
high cholesterol levels, a weakened
immune system, insomnia, and high
blood pressure.
Out-of-control anger hurts your
mental health. Chronic anger
consumes huge amounts of mental
energy and clouds your thinking,
making it harder to concentrate, see
the bigger picture, and enjoy life. It
can also lead to stress, depression,
and other mental health problems.
Out-of-control anger hurts your
career. Constructive criticism,
creative differences, and heated
debate can be healthy. But lashing out
only alienates your colleagues,
supervisors, or clients and erodes
their respect. What's more, a bad
reputation can follow you wherever
you go, making it harder and harder
to get ahead.
Out-of-control anger hurts your
relationships with others. It
causes lasting scars in the people you
love most and gets in the way of your
friendships and work relationships.
Chronic, intense anger makes it hard
for others to trust you, speak
honestly, or feel comfortable—they
never know what is going to set you
off or what you will do. Explosive
anger is especially damaging to
children.
Anger management tip 1: Explore
what's really behind your anger
If you're struggling with out-of-control
anger, you may be wondering why your
fuse is so short. Anger problems often
stem from what you've learned as a
child. If you watched others in your
family scream, hit each other, or throw
things, you might think this is how
anger is supposed to be expressed.
Traumatic events and high levels of
stress can make you more susceptible to
anger as well.
Anger is often a cover-up for other
feelings
In order to get your needs met and
express your anger in appropriate ways,
you need to be in touch with what you
are really feeling. Are you truly angry?
Or is your anger masking other feelings
such as embarrassment, insecurity, hurt,
shame, or vulnerability?
If your knee-jerk response in many
situations is anger, it is very likely that
your temper is covering up your true
feelings and needs. This is especially
likely if you grew up in a family where
expressing feelings was strongly
discouraged. As an adult, you may have
a hard time acknowledging feelings
other than anger.
Clues that there's something more
to your anger
You have a hard time
compromising. Is it hard for you to
understand other people's points of
view, and even harder to concede a
point? If you grew up in a family
where anger was out of control, you
may remember how the angry person
got his or her way by being the
loudest and most demanding.
Compromising might bring up scary
feelings of failure and vulnerability.
You have trouble expressing
emotions other than anger. Do
you pride yourself on being tough and
in control, never letting your guard
down? Do you feel that emotions like
fear, guilt, or shame don't apply to
you? Everyone has those emotions,
and if you think you don't, you may
be using anger as a cover for them.
You view different opinions and
viewpoints as a personal
challenge to you. Do you believe
that your way is always right and get
angry when others disagree? If you
have a strong need to be in control or
a fragile ego, you may interpret other
perspectives as a challenge to your
authority, rather than simply a
different way of looking at things.
If you are uncomfortable with many
emotions, disconnected, or stuck on an
angry one-note response to everything,
it might do you some good to get back in
touch with your feelings. Emotional
awareness is the key to self-
understanding and success in life.
Without the ability to recognize,
manage, and deal with the full range of
human emotions, you'll inevitably spin
into confusion, isolation, and self-doubt.
Anger management tip 2: Be aware
of your anger warning signs and
triggers
While you might feel that you just
explode into anger without warning, in
fact, there are physical warning signs in
your body. Anger is a normal physical
response. It fuels the "fight or flight"
system of the body, and the angrier you
get, the more your body goes into
overdrive. Becoming aware of your own
personal signs that your temper is
starting to boil allows you to take steps
to manage your anger before it gets out
of control.
Pay attention to the way anger
feels in your body
Knots in your stomach
Clenching your hands or jaw
Feeling clammy or flushed
Breathing faster
Headaches
Pacing or needing to walk around
"Seeing red"
Having trouble concentrating
Pounding heart
Tensing your shoulders
Identify the negative thought
patterns that trigger your temper
You may think that external things—the
insensitive actions of other people, for
example, or frustrating situations—are
what cause your anger. But anger
problems have less to do with what
happens to you than how you interpret
and think about what happened.
Common negative thinking patterns that
trigger and fuel anger include:
Overgeneralizing. For example,
"You always interrupt me. You
NEVER consider my needs.
EVERYONE disrespects me. I
NEVER get the credit I deserve."
Obsessing on "shoulds" and
"musts." Having a rigid view of the
way things should or must be and
getting angry when reality doesn't
line up with this vision.
Mind reading and jumping to
conclusions. Assuming you "know"
what someone else is thinking or
feeling—that he or she intentionally
upset you, ignored your wishes, or
disrespected you.
Collecting straws. Looking for
things to get upset about, usually
while overlooking or blowing past
anything positive. Letting these small
irritations build and build until you
reach the "final straw" and explode,
often over something relatively
minor.
Blaming. When anything bad
happens or something goes wrong,
it's always someone else's fault. You
blame others for the things that
happen to you rather than taking
responsibility for your own life.
Avoid people, places, and
situations that bring out your
worst
Stressful events don't excuse anger, but
understanding how these events affect
you can help you take control of your
environment and avoid unnecessary
aggravation. Look at your regular
routine and try to identify activities,
times of day, people, places, or
situations that trigger irritable or angry
feelings. Maybe you get into a fight
every time you go out for drinks with a
certain group of friends. Or maybe the
traffic on your daily commute drives you
crazy. Then think about ways to avoid
these triggers or view the situation
differently so it doesn't make your
blood boil.
Anger management tip 3: Learn
ways to cool down
Once you know how to recognize the
warning signs that your temper is rising
and anticipate your triggers, you can act
quickly to deal with your anger before it
spins out of control. There are many
techniques that can help you cool down
and keep your anger in check.
Quick tips for cooling down
Focus on the physical sensations
of anger. While it may seem
counterintuitive, tuning into the way
your body feels when you're angry
often lessens the emotional intensity
of your anger.
Take some deep breaths. Deep,
slow breathing helps counteract
rising tension. The key is to breathe
deeply from the abdomen, getting as
much fresh air as possible into your
lungs.
Exercise. A brisk walk around the
block is a great idea. It releases pent-
up energy so you can approach the
situation with a cooler head.
Use your senses. Take advantage of
the relaxing power of your sense of
sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste.
You might try listening to music or
picturing yourself in a favorite place.
Stretch or massage areas of
tension. Roll your shoulders if you
are tensing them, for example, or
gently massage your neck and scalp.
Slowly count to ten. Focus on the
counting to let your rational mind
catch up with your feelings. If you
still feel out of control by the time
you reach ten, start counting again.
Give yourself a reality check
When you start getting upset about
something, take a moment to think
about the situation. Ask yourself:
How important is it in the grand
scheme of things?
Is it really worth getting angry about
it?
Is it worth ruining the rest of my
day?
Is my response appropriate to the
situation?
Is there anything I can do about it?
Is taking action worth my time?
Anger management tip 4: Find
healthier ways to express your anger
If you've decided that the situation is
worth getting angry about and there's
something you can do to make it better,
the key is to express your feelings in a
healthy way. When communicated
respectfully and channeled effectively,
anger can be a tremendous source of
energy and inspiration for change.
Pinpoint what you're really angry
about
Have you ever gotten into an argument
over something silly? Big fights often
happen over something small, like a
dish left out or being ten minutes late.
But there's usually a bigger issue behind
it. If you find your irritation and anger
rapidly rising, ask yourself "What am I
really angry about?" Identifying the real
source of frustration will help you
communicate your anger better, take
constructive action, and work towards a
resolution.
Take five if things get too heated
If your anger seems to be spiraling out
of control, remove yourself from the
situation for a few minutes or for as
long as it takes you to cool down. A
brisk walk, a trip to the gym, or a few
minutes listening to some music should
allow you to calm down, release pent up
emotion, and then approach the
situation with a cooler head.
Always fight fair
It's okay to be upset at someone, but if
you don't fight fair, the relationship will
quickly break down. Fighting fair allows
you to express your own needs while
still respecting others.
Make the relationship your
priority. Maintaining and
strengthening the relationship, rather
than "winning" the argument, should
always be your first priority. Be
respectful of the other person and his
or her viewpoint.
Focus on the present. Once you
are in the heat of arguing, it's easy to
start throwing past grievances into
the mix. Rather than looking to the
past and assigning blame, focus on
what you can do in the present to
solve the problem.
Choose your battles. Conflicts can
be draining, so it's important to
consider whether the issue is really
worthy of your time and energy. If
you pick your battles rather than
fighting over every little thing, others
will take you more seriously when
you are upset.
Be willing to forgive. Resolving
conflict is impossible if you're
unwilling or unable to forgive.
Resolution lies in releasing the urge
to punish, which can never
compensate for our losses and only
adds to our injury by further
depleting and draining our lives.
Know when to let something go.
If you can't come to an agreement,
agree to disagree. It takes two people
to keep an argument going. If a
conflict is going nowhere, you can
choose to disengage and move on.
When to seek help for anger
management and control
If your anger is still spiraling out of
control, despite putting the previous
anger management techniques into
practice, or if you're getting into trouble
with the law or hurting others—you
need more help. There are many
therapists, classes, and programs for
people with anger management
problems. Asking for help is not a sign
of weakness. You'll often find others in
the same shoes, and getting direct
feedback on techniques for controlling
anger can be tremendously helpful.
Therapy for anger problems.
Therapy can be a great way to explore
the reasons behind your anger. If you
don't know why you are getting
angry, it's very hard to control.
Therapy provides a safe environment
to learn more about your reasons and
identify triggers for your anger. It's
also a safe place to practice new skills
in expressing your anger.
Anger management classes or
groups. Anger management classes
or groups allow you to see others
coping with the same struggles. You
will also learn tips and techniques for
managing your anger and hear other
people's stories. For domestic
violence issues, traditional anger
management is usually not
recommended. There are special
classes that go to the issue of power
and control that are at the heart of
domestic violence.
If your loved one has an anger
management problem
If your loved one has an anger problem,
you probably feel like you're walking on
eggshells all the time. But always
remember that you are not to blame for
your loved one's anger. There is never
an excuse for physically or verbally
abusive behavior. You have a right to be
treated with respect and to live without
fear of an angry outburst or a violent
rage.
Tips for dealing with a loved one's
anger management problem
While you can't control another
person's anger, you can control how you
respond to it:
Set clear boundaries about what you
will and will not tolerate.
Wait for a time when you are both
calm to talk to your loved one about
the anger problem. Don't bring it up
when either one of you is already
angry.
Remove yourself from the situation if
your loved one does not calm down.
Consider counseling or therapy for
yourself if you are having a hard time
standing up for yourself.
Put your safety first. Trust your
instincts. If you feel unsafe or
threatened in any way, get away from
your loved one and go somewhere
safe.
Anger isn't the real problem in
abusive relationships
Despite what many people believe,
domestic violence and abuse is not due
to the abuser's loss of control over his
behavior and temper. In fact, abusive
behavior is a deliberate choice for the
sole purpose of controlling you. If you
are in an abusive relationship, know
that couples counseling is not
recommended—and that your partner
needs specialized treatment, not regular
anger management classes.
www.josiahdele.blogspot.com
your anger and these anger management
tools, you can learn to keep your temper
from hijacking your life.
Understanding anger
The emotion of anger is neither good
nor bad. It's perfectly healthy and
normal to feel angry when you've been
mistreated or wronged. The feeling isn't
the problem—it's what you do with it
that makes a difference. Anger becomes
a problem when it harms you or others.
If you have a hot temper, you may feel
like it's out of your hands and there's
little you can do to tame the beast. But
you have more control over your anger
than you think. You can learn to express
your emotions without hurting others—
and when you do, you'll not only feel
better, you'll also be more likely to get
your needs met. Mastering the art of
anger management takes work, but the
more you practice, the easier it will get.
And the payoff can be huge. Learning to
control your anger and express it
appropriately can help you build better
relationships, achieve your goals, and
lead a healthier, more satisfying life.
Why anger management is
important
You might think that venting your anger
is healthy, that the people around you
are too sensitive, that your anger is
justified, or that you need to show your
fury to get respect. But the truth is that
anger is much more likely to damage
your relationships, impair your
judgment, get in the way of success, and
have a negative impact on the way
people see you.
Out-of-control anger hurts your
physical health. Constantly
operating at high levels of stress and
tension is bad for your health.
Chronic anger makes you more
susceptible to heart disease, diabetes,
high cholesterol levels, a weakened
immune system, insomnia, and high
blood pressure.
Out-of-control anger hurts your
mental health. Chronic anger
consumes huge amounts of mental
energy and clouds your thinking,
making it harder to concentrate, see
the bigger picture, and enjoy life. It
can also lead to stress, depression,
and other mental health problems.
Out-of-control anger hurts your
career. Constructive criticism,
creative differences, and heated
debate can be healthy. But lashing out
only alienates your colleagues,
supervisors, or clients and erodes
their respect. What's more, a bad
reputation can follow you wherever
you go, making it harder and harder
to get ahead.
Out-of-control anger hurts your
relationships with others. It
causes lasting scars in the people you
love most and gets in the way of your
friendships and work relationships.
Chronic, intense anger makes it hard
for others to trust you, speak
honestly, or feel comfortable—they
never know what is going to set you
off or what you will do. Explosive
anger is especially damaging to
children.
Anger management tip 1: Explore
what's really behind your anger
If you're struggling with out-of-control
anger, you may be wondering why your
fuse is so short. Anger problems often
stem from what you've learned as a
child. If you watched others in your
family scream, hit each other, or throw
things, you might think this is how
anger is supposed to be expressed.
Traumatic events and high levels of
stress can make you more susceptible to
anger as well.
Anger is often a cover-up for other
feelings
In order to get your needs met and
express your anger in appropriate ways,
you need to be in touch with what you
are really feeling. Are you truly angry?
Or is your anger masking other feelings
such as embarrassment, insecurity, hurt,
shame, or vulnerability?
If your knee-jerk response in many
situations is anger, it is very likely that
your temper is covering up your true
feelings and needs. This is especially
likely if you grew up in a family where
expressing feelings was strongly
discouraged. As an adult, you may have
a hard time acknowledging feelings
other than anger.
Clues that there's something more
to your anger
You have a hard time
compromising. Is it hard for you to
understand other people's points of
view, and even harder to concede a
point? If you grew up in a family
where anger was out of control, you
may remember how the angry person
got his or her way by being the
loudest and most demanding.
Compromising might bring up scary
feelings of failure and vulnerability.
You have trouble expressing
emotions other than anger. Do
you pride yourself on being tough and
in control, never letting your guard
down? Do you feel that emotions like
fear, guilt, or shame don't apply to
you? Everyone has those emotions,
and if you think you don't, you may
be using anger as a cover for them.
You view different opinions and
viewpoints as a personal
challenge to you. Do you believe
that your way is always right and get
angry when others disagree? If you
have a strong need to be in control or
a fragile ego, you may interpret other
perspectives as a challenge to your
authority, rather than simply a
different way of looking at things.
If you are uncomfortable with many
emotions, disconnected, or stuck on an
angry one-note response to everything,
it might do you some good to get back in
touch with your feelings. Emotional
awareness is the key to self-
understanding and success in life.
Without the ability to recognize,
manage, and deal with the full range of
human emotions, you'll inevitably spin
into confusion, isolation, and self-doubt.
Anger management tip 2: Be aware
of your anger warning signs and
triggers
While you might feel that you just
explode into anger without warning, in
fact, there are physical warning signs in
your body. Anger is a normal physical
response. It fuels the "fight or flight"
system of the body, and the angrier you
get, the more your body goes into
overdrive. Becoming aware of your own
personal signs that your temper is
starting to boil allows you to take steps
to manage your anger before it gets out
of control.
Pay attention to the way anger
feels in your body
Knots in your stomach
Clenching your hands or jaw
Feeling clammy or flushed
Breathing faster
Headaches
Pacing or needing to walk around
"Seeing red"
Having trouble concentrating
Pounding heart
Tensing your shoulders
Identify the negative thought
patterns that trigger your temper
You may think that external things—the
insensitive actions of other people, for
example, or frustrating situations—are
what cause your anger. But anger
problems have less to do with what
happens to you than how you interpret
and think about what happened.
Common negative thinking patterns that
trigger and fuel anger include:
Overgeneralizing. For example,
"You always interrupt me. You
NEVER consider my needs.
EVERYONE disrespects me. I
NEVER get the credit I deserve."
Obsessing on "shoulds" and
"musts." Having a rigid view of the
way things should or must be and
getting angry when reality doesn't
line up with this vision.
Mind reading and jumping to
conclusions. Assuming you "know"
what someone else is thinking or
feeling—that he or she intentionally
upset you, ignored your wishes, or
disrespected you.
Collecting straws. Looking for
things to get upset about, usually
while overlooking or blowing past
anything positive. Letting these small
irritations build and build until you
reach the "final straw" and explode,
often over something relatively
minor.
Blaming. When anything bad
happens or something goes wrong,
it's always someone else's fault. You
blame others for the things that
happen to you rather than taking
responsibility for your own life.
Avoid people, places, and
situations that bring out your
worst
Stressful events don't excuse anger, but
understanding how these events affect
you can help you take control of your
environment and avoid unnecessary
aggravation. Look at your regular
routine and try to identify activities,
times of day, people, places, or
situations that trigger irritable or angry
feelings. Maybe you get into a fight
every time you go out for drinks with a
certain group of friends. Or maybe the
traffic on your daily commute drives you
crazy. Then think about ways to avoid
these triggers or view the situation
differently so it doesn't make your
blood boil.
Anger management tip 3: Learn
ways to cool down
Once you know how to recognize the
warning signs that your temper is rising
and anticipate your triggers, you can act
quickly to deal with your anger before it
spins out of control. There are many
techniques that can help you cool down
and keep your anger in check.
Quick tips for cooling down
Focus on the physical sensations
of anger. While it may seem
counterintuitive, tuning into the way
your body feels when you're angry
often lessens the emotional intensity
of your anger.
Take some deep breaths. Deep,
slow breathing helps counteract
rising tension. The key is to breathe
deeply from the abdomen, getting as
much fresh air as possible into your
lungs.
Exercise. A brisk walk around the
block is a great idea. It releases pent-
up energy so you can approach the
situation with a cooler head.
Use your senses. Take advantage of
the relaxing power of your sense of
sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste.
You might try listening to music or
picturing yourself in a favorite place.
Stretch or massage areas of
tension. Roll your shoulders if you
are tensing them, for example, or
gently massage your neck and scalp.
Slowly count to ten. Focus on the
counting to let your rational mind
catch up with your feelings. If you
still feel out of control by the time
you reach ten, start counting again.
Give yourself a reality check
When you start getting upset about
something, take a moment to think
about the situation. Ask yourself:
How important is it in the grand
scheme of things?
Is it really worth getting angry about
it?
Is it worth ruining the rest of my
day?
Is my response appropriate to the
situation?
Is there anything I can do about it?
Is taking action worth my time?
Anger management tip 4: Find
healthier ways to express your anger
If you've decided that the situation is
worth getting angry about and there's
something you can do to make it better,
the key is to express your feelings in a
healthy way. When communicated
respectfully and channeled effectively,
anger can be a tremendous source of
energy and inspiration for change.
Pinpoint what you're really angry
about
Have you ever gotten into an argument
over something silly? Big fights often
happen over something small, like a
dish left out or being ten minutes late.
But there's usually a bigger issue behind
it. If you find your irritation and anger
rapidly rising, ask yourself "What am I
really angry about?" Identifying the real
source of frustration will help you
communicate your anger better, take
constructive action, and work towards a
resolution.
Take five if things get too heated
If your anger seems to be spiraling out
of control, remove yourself from the
situation for a few minutes or for as
long as it takes you to cool down. A
brisk walk, a trip to the gym, or a few
minutes listening to some music should
allow you to calm down, release pent up
emotion, and then approach the
situation with a cooler head.
Always fight fair
It's okay to be upset at someone, but if
you don't fight fair, the relationship will
quickly break down. Fighting fair allows
you to express your own needs while
still respecting others.
Make the relationship your
priority. Maintaining and
strengthening the relationship, rather
than "winning" the argument, should
always be your first priority. Be
respectful of the other person and his
or her viewpoint.
Focus on the present. Once you
are in the heat of arguing, it's easy to
start throwing past grievances into
the mix. Rather than looking to the
past and assigning blame, focus on
what you can do in the present to
solve the problem.
Choose your battles. Conflicts can
be draining, so it's important to
consider whether the issue is really
worthy of your time and energy. If
you pick your battles rather than
fighting over every little thing, others
will take you more seriously when
you are upset.
Be willing to forgive. Resolving
conflict is impossible if you're
unwilling or unable to forgive.
Resolution lies in releasing the urge
to punish, which can never
compensate for our losses and only
adds to our injury by further
depleting and draining our lives.
Know when to let something go.
If you can't come to an agreement,
agree to disagree. It takes two people
to keep an argument going. If a
conflict is going nowhere, you can
choose to disengage and move on.
When to seek help for anger
management and control
If your anger is still spiraling out of
control, despite putting the previous
anger management techniques into
practice, or if you're getting into trouble
with the law or hurting others—you
need more help. There are many
therapists, classes, and programs for
people with anger management
problems. Asking for help is not a sign
of weakness. You'll often find others in
the same shoes, and getting direct
feedback on techniques for controlling
anger can be tremendously helpful.
Therapy for anger problems.
Therapy can be a great way to explore
the reasons behind your anger. If you
don't know why you are getting
angry, it's very hard to control.
Therapy provides a safe environment
to learn more about your reasons and
identify triggers for your anger. It's
also a safe place to practice new skills
in expressing your anger.
Anger management classes or
groups. Anger management classes
or groups allow you to see others
coping with the same struggles. You
will also learn tips and techniques for
managing your anger and hear other
people's stories. For domestic
violence issues, traditional anger
management is usually not
recommended. There are special
classes that go to the issue of power
and control that are at the heart of
domestic violence.
If your loved one has an anger
management problem
If your loved one has an anger problem,
you probably feel like you're walking on
eggshells all the time. But always
remember that you are not to blame for
your loved one's anger. There is never
an excuse for physically or verbally
abusive behavior. You have a right to be
treated with respect and to live without
fear of an angry outburst or a violent
rage.
Tips for dealing with a loved one's
anger management problem
While you can't control another
person's anger, you can control how you
respond to it:
Set clear boundaries about what you
will and will not tolerate.
Wait for a time when you are both
calm to talk to your loved one about
the anger problem. Don't bring it up
when either one of you is already
angry.
Remove yourself from the situation if
your loved one does not calm down.
Consider counseling or therapy for
yourself if you are having a hard time
standing up for yourself.
Put your safety first. Trust your
instincts. If you feel unsafe or
threatened in any way, get away from
your loved one and go somewhere
safe.
Anger isn't the real problem in
abusive relationships
Despite what many people believe,
domestic violence and abuse is not due
to the abuser's loss of control over his
behavior and temper. In fact, abusive
behavior is a deliberate choice for the
sole purpose of controlling you. If you
are in an abusive relationship, know
that couples counseling is not
recommended—and that your partner
needs specialized treatment, not regular
anger management classes.
www.josiahdele.blogspot.com
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