We all know that friendship is a good
thing. But did you know that friends
have a huge impact on your happiness
and quality of life? Good friends relieve
stress, provide comfort and joy, prevent
loneliness and isolation, and even
strengthen your health. Despite their
importance, close friendships don't just
happen. Many of us struggle to meet
new friends and develop quality
connections. Even when we're willing to
put in the time and effort, we don't
always know how to go about it. But
whatever your age or circumstances, it's
never too late to make new friends or
reconnect with old ones. These tips can
help.
Why friends are important
Our society tends to place an emphasis
on romantic relationships. We think
that if we can just find that right person,
we'll be happy and fulfilled. But research
shows that friends are more important
to psychological well-being than even
our love and family relationships.
Friends bring more happiness into our
lives than virtually anything else. Not
only that, our friendships (or lack
thereof) have a powerful impact on our
physical health. Studies show that a lack
of social connection can be as damaging
as smoking, drinking too much, or
leading a sedentary lifestyle. The quality
of our friendships is even tied to
longevity.
Why online friends aren't enough
Technology has shifted the definition of
friendship in recent years. With the click
of a button, we can add a friend or make
a new connection. But having hundreds
of online friends is not the same as
having a close friend you can turn to or
be with in person. Technology can
facilitate social opportunities by helping
you reconnect with old friends, start
new relationships with people around
the world who share similar interests,
and maintain relationships with friends
who don't live nearby. However, online
friends can't hug you when a crisis hits,
visit you when you're sick, or celebrate a
happy occasion with you after work.
Our most important and powerful
connections happen when we're face-to-
face. So make it a priority to stay in
touch in the real world, not just online.
You'll get a lot more out of an in-person
conversation than you will over text or
social media comments.
The benefits of friendship
Good friends add special meaning
to life. They help you share the
good times and overcome the
difficult ones. Among other things,
good friends can:
Improve your
mood. Happiness can be
infectious. Spending time with
happy and positive friends can
elevate your mood and boost
your outlook.
Help you to reach your
goals. Whether you're trying to
get fit, give up smoking, or
otherwise improve your life,
encouragement from a friend can
really boost your willpower and
increase your chances of success.
Reduce your stress and
depression. Having an active
social life can bolster your
immune system and help reduce
isolation, a major contributing
factor for depression.
Support you through tough
times. Even if it's just having
someone to share your problems
with, friends can help you cope
with serious illness, the loss of a
job or loved one, the breakup of
a relationship, or any other
challenge in life.
Support you as you age. As
you age, retirement, illness, and
the death of loved ones can often
leave you isolated. Having
people you can turn to for
company and support can
provide purpose as you age and
be a buffer against depression,
disability, hardship, and loss.
Staying socially engaged as you
age keeps you feeling positive
and boosts your happiness.
Boost your sense of self-
worth. Friendship is a two-way
street, and the "give" side of the
give-and-take contributes to
your own sense of value and self-
worth. Being there for your
friends makes you feel needed
and adds purpose to your life.
What to look for in a friend
Ideally, a friend is someone you trust
who shares a deep level of
understanding and communication with
you. A good friend will show a genuine
interest in what's going on in your life,
what you have to say, and how you think
and feel about things. He or she will
accept you for who you are and listen to
you attentively without judging you,
telling your how to think or feel, or
trying to change the subject.
As friendship works both ways, a friend
is also someone you feel comfortable
supporting and accepting, and someone
with whom you share a bond of trust
and loyalty. A good friend will feel
comfortable sharing things about
themselves with you.
Focus on the way a friendship
feels, not what it looks like
When looking for new friends, try not to
get too caught up in external
qualifications and criteria. The most
important thing in a friendship is how
the relationship makes you feel—not
how it looks on paper, how many things
you have in common, or what others
think. Ask yourself the following
questions:
Do I feel better after spending time
with this person?
Do I feel free to be myself around this
person?
Do I feel safe, or do I feel like I have
to watch what I say and do?
Is the person supportive of me? Does
he or she treat me with respect?
Is this a person I feel that I could
trust?
The bottom line: it the friendship feels
good, it is good. But if a person tries to
control you, criticizes you, abuses your
generosity, or brings unwanted danger,
drama, or negative influences into your
life, it's time to take a hard look at the
value of the friendship. A good
friendship does not require you to act
against your own values, always agree
with the other person, or disregard your
own needs.
How to be more friendly and social
If you tend to be introverted or shy, it
can feel uncomfortable to put yourself
out there socially. But you don't have to
be naturally outgoing or the life of the
party to make new friends. You can
make the extra effort to be more
friendly and open to others, while still
maintaining your own personality.
Focus on others, not yourself.
The key to connecting to other people
is showing interest in them. When
you're truly interested in someone
else's thoughts, feelings, experiences,
stories, and opinions, it shows—and
they'll like you for it. You'll make far
more friends by showing your
interest rather than trying to get
people interested in you.
Be genuine. Showing interest in
others can't be faked. If you're just
pretending to listen or care, others
will pick up on it. Rather than
fostering greater connection, your
efforts will likely backfire. No one
likes to be manipulated or placated.
If you're not genuinely interested in
the other person, than stop trying to
connect.
Pay attention. Make an effort to
truly listen to the other person. By
paying close attention to what they
say, do, and how they interact, you'll
quickly get to know them. Little
things go a long way, such as
remembering someone's preferences,
the stories they've told you, and
what's going on in their life.
Self-disclosure: the key to turning
acquaintances into friends
We all have acquaintances—people we
exchange small talk with as we go about
our day or trade jokes or insights with
online. These relationships can be
fulfilling in their own right, but what if
you want to turn a casual acquaintance
into a true friend?
Friendship is characterized by intimacy.
True friends know things about each
other: their values, struggles, goals, and
interests. If you'd like to transition from
acquaintances to friends, the best way to
do so is to open up to the other person.
You don't have to reveal your most
closely-held secret. Start small with
something a little bit more personal
than what you normally discuss and see
how the other person responds. Do they
seem interested and receptive? Do they
reciprocate by disclosing something
about themselves?
Gauging interest
Establishing and maintaining a
friendship takes time and effort,
and not everyone is open to that at
all times. Friendship takes two, so
it's important to evaluate whether
the other person is looking for new
friends.
Do they ask you questions about
yourself, as if they'd like to get to
know you better?
Do they tell you things about
themselves beyond surface small
talk?
Do they give you their full
attention when you see them?
Does the other person seem
interested in exchanging contact
information or making specific
plans to get together?
If you can't answer "yes" to most of
these questions, the person may not
be the best candidate at this time
for friendship. They may not be
open to a new friendship now, even
if they genuinely like you. Maybe
their social calendar is already
overfilled or they're too busy with
other responsibilities. There are
many possible reasons, so try not to
take it personally!
Tips for meeting new people
Proximity is a huge factor in who we
become friends with. We tend to make
friends with people we cross paths with
regularly: people we go to school with,
work with, or live next to. The more we
see someone, the more likely the chance
of a friendship developing. So the places
you frequent regularly are a good place
to look for potential friends.
Another big factor in friendship is
common interests. We tend to be drawn
to people we share things with: an
offbeat sense of humor, hobby, the same
cultural background, a shared major or
career path, kids the same age. Think
about the things you like to do, the
causes you care about, or anything
you're passionate about. Where could
you go to meet people who share the
same interests?
Making new friends: Where to
start
When looking for places to meet new
people, try to be open to new ideas and
experiences. Not everything you try will
be successful but you can always learn
from the experience and hopefully have
some fun while you're at it.
Volunteering can be a great way to
help others while also meeting new
people. Volunteering also gives you
the opportunity to regularly practice
and develop your social skills.
Take a class or join a club to
meet people with common interests,
such as a book group, dinner club, or
sports team. Websites such as
Meetup.com can help you find local
groups or start your own and connect
with others who share similar
interests.
Walk a dog. It's good exercise for
you, great fun for the animal, and an
excellent way to meet people. Dog
owners often stop and chat while
their dogs sniff or play with each
other. If dog ownership isn't right for
you, volunteer to walk dogs from a
shelter or a local rescue group.
Invite a neighbor or work
colleague for a drink or to a
movie. Lots of other people feel just
as uncomfortable about reaching out
and making new friends as you do. Be
the one to break the ice. Your
neighbor or colleague will thank you
later.
Track down old friends via
social media sites. Make the effort
to reconnect and then turn your
"online" friends into "real-world"
friends by meeting up for coffee
instead of chatting on Facebook or
Twitter.
Connect with your alumni
association. Many colleges have
alumni associations that meet
regularly. You already have the
college experience in common;
talking about old times can be an
easy conversation starter. Some
associations also sponsor community
service events or workshops where
you can meet more people.
Carpool to work. Many companies
offer carpool programs. If your
employer doesn't, simply ask your
colleagues if they would like to share
rides. It's a good conversation starter
and will help you connect to people
who live near you, as well as save on
transport costs.
Attend art gallery openings,
book readings, lectures, music
recitals, or other community events
where you can meet people with
similar interests. Check with your
library or local paper for events near
you.
What's stopping you from making
friends?
Is something stopping you from building
the friendships you'd like to have? Here
are some of the common reasons people
give—plus what you can do about it.
Too busy
Lots of us feel overbooked and
overstressed, so it's not surprising that
we sometimes feel too busy for friends.
Developing and maintaining friendships
does take time and effort—there's no
getting around it. But even with a
packed schedule, you can find ways to
prioritize your friendships and make the
time.
Put it on your calendar. Schedule
time for your friends just as you do
for your less-enjoyable
responsibilities. Make it automatic
with a weekly or monthly standing
appointment. Or simply make sure
that you never leave a get together
with a friend without setting the next
date.
Mix business and pleasure.
Figure out a way to combine your
socializing with errands or activities
that you or your friend has to do
anyways. It can be anything: going to
the gym, getting a pedicure, walking
the dog, shopping. It's an easy way to
spend time together while still being
productive.
Group it. If you truly don't have
time for multiple one-on-one
sessions with friends, set up a group
get together. It's a good way to
connect and also to introduce your
friends to each other. Of course,
you'll need to make sure you're
organizing a compatible group.
Fear of rejection
Making new friends means putting
yourself out there, and that can be scary.
It's especially intimidating if you're
someone with trust issues—someone
who's been betrayed, traumatized, or
abused in the past, or someone with an
insecure attachment bond.
When you're unable to trust others,
your friendships will be dominated by
fear—fear of betrayal, fear of being let
down, fear of feeling vulnerable. But it is
possible to learn to trust others. By
working with the right therapist, you
can identify the source of your mistrust
and explore ways to build trust in
existing and future friendships.
For more general insecurities and fear
or rejection, it helps to evaluate your
attitude. Are you telling yourself that if
someone isn't as interested in you as
you are in them that it will be absolutely
horrible and humiliating and the worst
thing ever? Do you feel as if any
rejection will haunt you forever or
prove that you're unlikeable or destined
to be friendless? These fears get in the
way of making satisfying connections. In
that way, fear of rejection can become a
self-fulfilling prophecy. Nobody likes to
be rejected, but there are healthier ways
to look at it that can make it less
upsetting.
Just because someone isn't interested
in talking or hanging out doesn't
automatically mean they're rejecting
you as a person. They may be busy,
distracted, or have other things going
on.
If someone does reject you, that
doesn't mean that you're worthless
or unlovable. Maybe they're having a
bad day. Maybe they misread you or
misinterpreted what you said. Or
maybe they're not a nice person!
Again, a rejection is not necessarily a
reflection on you.
You're not going to like everyone you
meet, and vice versa. Like dating,
building a solid network of friends
can be a numbers game. Try to focus
on the long-term goal of making
quality connections, rather than
getting caught up in the friendships
that didn't pan out.
Keep rejection in perspective. It
never feels good, but it's rarely as bad
as you imagine it will be. It's unlikely
that others are sitting around talking
about it. There's no big "R" for reject
on your forehead branding you for
life. Instead of beating yourself up,
give yourself credit for trying and see
what you can learn from the
experience.
www.josiahdele.blogspot.com
thing. But did you know that friends
have a huge impact on your happiness
and quality of life? Good friends relieve
stress, provide comfort and joy, prevent
loneliness and isolation, and even
strengthen your health. Despite their
importance, close friendships don't just
happen. Many of us struggle to meet
new friends and develop quality
connections. Even when we're willing to
put in the time and effort, we don't
always know how to go about it. But
whatever your age or circumstances, it's
never too late to make new friends or
reconnect with old ones. These tips can
help.
Why friends are important
Our society tends to place an emphasis
on romantic relationships. We think
that if we can just find that right person,
we'll be happy and fulfilled. But research
shows that friends are more important
to psychological well-being than even
our love and family relationships.
Friends bring more happiness into our
lives than virtually anything else. Not
only that, our friendships (or lack
thereof) have a powerful impact on our
physical health. Studies show that a lack
of social connection can be as damaging
as smoking, drinking too much, or
leading a sedentary lifestyle. The quality
of our friendships is even tied to
longevity.
Why online friends aren't enough
Technology has shifted the definition of
friendship in recent years. With the click
of a button, we can add a friend or make
a new connection. But having hundreds
of online friends is not the same as
having a close friend you can turn to or
be with in person. Technology can
facilitate social opportunities by helping
you reconnect with old friends, start
new relationships with people around
the world who share similar interests,
and maintain relationships with friends
who don't live nearby. However, online
friends can't hug you when a crisis hits,
visit you when you're sick, or celebrate a
happy occasion with you after work.
Our most important and powerful
connections happen when we're face-to-
face. So make it a priority to stay in
touch in the real world, not just online.
You'll get a lot more out of an in-person
conversation than you will over text or
social media comments.
The benefits of friendship
Good friends add special meaning
to life. They help you share the
good times and overcome the
difficult ones. Among other things,
good friends can:
Improve your
mood. Happiness can be
infectious. Spending time with
happy and positive friends can
elevate your mood and boost
your outlook.
Help you to reach your
goals. Whether you're trying to
get fit, give up smoking, or
otherwise improve your life,
encouragement from a friend can
really boost your willpower and
increase your chances of success.
Reduce your stress and
depression. Having an active
social life can bolster your
immune system and help reduce
isolation, a major contributing
factor for depression.
Support you through tough
times. Even if it's just having
someone to share your problems
with, friends can help you cope
with serious illness, the loss of a
job or loved one, the breakup of
a relationship, or any other
challenge in life.
Support you as you age. As
you age, retirement, illness, and
the death of loved ones can often
leave you isolated. Having
people you can turn to for
company and support can
provide purpose as you age and
be a buffer against depression,
disability, hardship, and loss.
Staying socially engaged as you
age keeps you feeling positive
and boosts your happiness.
Boost your sense of self-
worth. Friendship is a two-way
street, and the "give" side of the
give-and-take contributes to
your own sense of value and self-
worth. Being there for your
friends makes you feel needed
and adds purpose to your life.
What to look for in a friend
Ideally, a friend is someone you trust
who shares a deep level of
understanding and communication with
you. A good friend will show a genuine
interest in what's going on in your life,
what you have to say, and how you think
and feel about things. He or she will
accept you for who you are and listen to
you attentively without judging you,
telling your how to think or feel, or
trying to change the subject.
As friendship works both ways, a friend
is also someone you feel comfortable
supporting and accepting, and someone
with whom you share a bond of trust
and loyalty. A good friend will feel
comfortable sharing things about
themselves with you.
Focus on the way a friendship
feels, not what it looks like
When looking for new friends, try not to
get too caught up in external
qualifications and criteria. The most
important thing in a friendship is how
the relationship makes you feel—not
how it looks on paper, how many things
you have in common, or what others
think. Ask yourself the following
questions:
Do I feel better after spending time
with this person?
Do I feel free to be myself around this
person?
Do I feel safe, or do I feel like I have
to watch what I say and do?
Is the person supportive of me? Does
he or she treat me with respect?
Is this a person I feel that I could
trust?
The bottom line: it the friendship feels
good, it is good. But if a person tries to
control you, criticizes you, abuses your
generosity, or brings unwanted danger,
drama, or negative influences into your
life, it's time to take a hard look at the
value of the friendship. A good
friendship does not require you to act
against your own values, always agree
with the other person, or disregard your
own needs.
How to be more friendly and social
If you tend to be introverted or shy, it
can feel uncomfortable to put yourself
out there socially. But you don't have to
be naturally outgoing or the life of the
party to make new friends. You can
make the extra effort to be more
friendly and open to others, while still
maintaining your own personality.
Focus on others, not yourself.
The key to connecting to other people
is showing interest in them. When
you're truly interested in someone
else's thoughts, feelings, experiences,
stories, and opinions, it shows—and
they'll like you for it. You'll make far
more friends by showing your
interest rather than trying to get
people interested in you.
Be genuine. Showing interest in
others can't be faked. If you're just
pretending to listen or care, others
will pick up on it. Rather than
fostering greater connection, your
efforts will likely backfire. No one
likes to be manipulated or placated.
If you're not genuinely interested in
the other person, than stop trying to
connect.
Pay attention. Make an effort to
truly listen to the other person. By
paying close attention to what they
say, do, and how they interact, you'll
quickly get to know them. Little
things go a long way, such as
remembering someone's preferences,
the stories they've told you, and
what's going on in their life.
Self-disclosure: the key to turning
acquaintances into friends
We all have acquaintances—people we
exchange small talk with as we go about
our day or trade jokes or insights with
online. These relationships can be
fulfilling in their own right, but what if
you want to turn a casual acquaintance
into a true friend?
Friendship is characterized by intimacy.
True friends know things about each
other: their values, struggles, goals, and
interests. If you'd like to transition from
acquaintances to friends, the best way to
do so is to open up to the other person.
You don't have to reveal your most
closely-held secret. Start small with
something a little bit more personal
than what you normally discuss and see
how the other person responds. Do they
seem interested and receptive? Do they
reciprocate by disclosing something
about themselves?
Gauging interest
Establishing and maintaining a
friendship takes time and effort,
and not everyone is open to that at
all times. Friendship takes two, so
it's important to evaluate whether
the other person is looking for new
friends.
Do they ask you questions about
yourself, as if they'd like to get to
know you better?
Do they tell you things about
themselves beyond surface small
talk?
Do they give you their full
attention when you see them?
Does the other person seem
interested in exchanging contact
information or making specific
plans to get together?
If you can't answer "yes" to most of
these questions, the person may not
be the best candidate at this time
for friendship. They may not be
open to a new friendship now, even
if they genuinely like you. Maybe
their social calendar is already
overfilled or they're too busy with
other responsibilities. There are
many possible reasons, so try not to
take it personally!
Tips for meeting new people
Proximity is a huge factor in who we
become friends with. We tend to make
friends with people we cross paths with
regularly: people we go to school with,
work with, or live next to. The more we
see someone, the more likely the chance
of a friendship developing. So the places
you frequent regularly are a good place
to look for potential friends.
Another big factor in friendship is
common interests. We tend to be drawn
to people we share things with: an
offbeat sense of humor, hobby, the same
cultural background, a shared major or
career path, kids the same age. Think
about the things you like to do, the
causes you care about, or anything
you're passionate about. Where could
you go to meet people who share the
same interests?
Making new friends: Where to
start
When looking for places to meet new
people, try to be open to new ideas and
experiences. Not everything you try will
be successful but you can always learn
from the experience and hopefully have
some fun while you're at it.
Volunteering can be a great way to
help others while also meeting new
people. Volunteering also gives you
the opportunity to regularly practice
and develop your social skills.
Take a class or join a club to
meet people with common interests,
such as a book group, dinner club, or
sports team. Websites such as
Meetup.com can help you find local
groups or start your own and connect
with others who share similar
interests.
Walk a dog. It's good exercise for
you, great fun for the animal, and an
excellent way to meet people. Dog
owners often stop and chat while
their dogs sniff or play with each
other. If dog ownership isn't right for
you, volunteer to walk dogs from a
shelter or a local rescue group.
Invite a neighbor or work
colleague for a drink or to a
movie. Lots of other people feel just
as uncomfortable about reaching out
and making new friends as you do. Be
the one to break the ice. Your
neighbor or colleague will thank you
later.
Track down old friends via
social media sites. Make the effort
to reconnect and then turn your
"online" friends into "real-world"
friends by meeting up for coffee
instead of chatting on Facebook or
Twitter.
Connect with your alumni
association. Many colleges have
alumni associations that meet
regularly. You already have the
college experience in common;
talking about old times can be an
easy conversation starter. Some
associations also sponsor community
service events or workshops where
you can meet more people.
Carpool to work. Many companies
offer carpool programs. If your
employer doesn't, simply ask your
colleagues if they would like to share
rides. It's a good conversation starter
and will help you connect to people
who live near you, as well as save on
transport costs.
Attend art gallery openings,
book readings, lectures, music
recitals, or other community events
where you can meet people with
similar interests. Check with your
library or local paper for events near
you.
What's stopping you from making
friends?
Is something stopping you from building
the friendships you'd like to have? Here
are some of the common reasons people
give—plus what you can do about it.
Too busy
Lots of us feel overbooked and
overstressed, so it's not surprising that
we sometimes feel too busy for friends.
Developing and maintaining friendships
does take time and effort—there's no
getting around it. But even with a
packed schedule, you can find ways to
prioritize your friendships and make the
time.
Put it on your calendar. Schedule
time for your friends just as you do
for your less-enjoyable
responsibilities. Make it automatic
with a weekly or monthly standing
appointment. Or simply make sure
that you never leave a get together
with a friend without setting the next
date.
Mix business and pleasure.
Figure out a way to combine your
socializing with errands or activities
that you or your friend has to do
anyways. It can be anything: going to
the gym, getting a pedicure, walking
the dog, shopping. It's an easy way to
spend time together while still being
productive.
Group it. If you truly don't have
time for multiple one-on-one
sessions with friends, set up a group
get together. It's a good way to
connect and also to introduce your
friends to each other. Of course,
you'll need to make sure you're
organizing a compatible group.
Fear of rejection
Making new friends means putting
yourself out there, and that can be scary.
It's especially intimidating if you're
someone with trust issues—someone
who's been betrayed, traumatized, or
abused in the past, or someone with an
insecure attachment bond.
When you're unable to trust others,
your friendships will be dominated by
fear—fear of betrayal, fear of being let
down, fear of feeling vulnerable. But it is
possible to learn to trust others. By
working with the right therapist, you
can identify the source of your mistrust
and explore ways to build trust in
existing and future friendships.
For more general insecurities and fear
or rejection, it helps to evaluate your
attitude. Are you telling yourself that if
someone isn't as interested in you as
you are in them that it will be absolutely
horrible and humiliating and the worst
thing ever? Do you feel as if any
rejection will haunt you forever or
prove that you're unlikeable or destined
to be friendless? These fears get in the
way of making satisfying connections. In
that way, fear of rejection can become a
self-fulfilling prophecy. Nobody likes to
be rejected, but there are healthier ways
to look at it that can make it less
upsetting.
Just because someone isn't interested
in talking or hanging out doesn't
automatically mean they're rejecting
you as a person. They may be busy,
distracted, or have other things going
on.
If someone does reject you, that
doesn't mean that you're worthless
or unlovable. Maybe they're having a
bad day. Maybe they misread you or
misinterpreted what you said. Or
maybe they're not a nice person!
Again, a rejection is not necessarily a
reflection on you.
You're not going to like everyone you
meet, and vice versa. Like dating,
building a solid network of friends
can be a numbers game. Try to focus
on the long-term goal of making
quality connections, rather than
getting caught up in the friendships
that didn't pan out.
Keep rejection in perspective. It
never feels good, but it's rarely as bad
as you imagine it will be. It's unlikely
that others are sitting around talking
about it. There's no big "R" for reject
on your forehead branding you for
life. Instead of beating yourself up,
give yourself credit for trying and see
what you can learn from the
experience.
www.josiahdele.blogspot.com
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