1. Make a decision.
Look, this list works from four
principles, crafted from four gerunds:
making, giving, doing, saying. That is the
order of things, too. Making is first.
First thing: make a decision. For
instance, decide: you are not afraid (not
afraid to pick out flowers, or to say what
you think). Decide: you are not worried
about yourself (and what you might or
might not get from this endeavor).
Decide: you don't deserve anything from
love, so you expect nothing. (This,
friends, is power.) This allows you to
walk the earth without giving up
everything to a cultural concept
currently defined by the characters
sometimes played by Zach Braff, and
consistently played by Kathryn Heigl,
actors inhabiting characters who at the
end of Act Two are crushed when love
itself seems indifferent to their hard-
won sense of romantic entitlement. It
connotes confidence, makes every
kindness a tacit invitation. Quid pro quo
is best reserved for heavy petting, and
shouldn't translate to matters of the
heart.
So make a decision that recognizes that
the only thing you can control is your
own behavior.
2. Make food.
When I first got divorced, a friend of
mine gave me a tip on how to feed my
kids on a work night. It was a very good
tip about frozen skillet meals, which he
sometimes made for his twin daughters
when their mom was away. It seemed
right and kind for him to look out for
me in this way. It was so easy; I didn't
even have to think about cooking. But
the third time I served it, my younger
son, Walter, eight at the time, balked.
"It tastes like a freezer," he said. "It
tastes like yesterday." I was a little
miffed that he wasn't eating it, and I'm
certain that I showed a flash of
frustration. It hurts me to report that he
started crying, probably scared by his
hulking desperate prick of a father, who
got pissed because he, the kid, was too
smart to accept a plate of flash-frozen
chicken penne. "Is this what you made
for Mom?" he asked. "Is this why she
doesn't love you?" I wasn't putting one
bit of thought or care into what I was
cooking. The kid knew it. Smart guy,
always was. (Sorry, Walt, for those
dopey efforts.)
It was not why she didn't love me,
though. I know how to cook. I knew it
then. I was the better cook really. I'd
simply forgotten that the creation of
food — palatable and well made — is an
act of devotion first and foremost. It's
exactly the sort of safe, selfless
demonstrative act that love requires
early on.
Observe what she likes. Stock your
kitchen. Start with a small plate of at
least three well chosen elements: olives,
chocolate, expensive cheese. Like that.
Move on to breakfast if you're lucky
(learn how to cook an omelet), or to
dinner's humblest offerings: a savory,
soup, salad, bread, and expensive store-
bought desert.
Don't apologize for your shortcomings
as a cook. Making food is an assertion of
capability. Even a bad meal, made for
another, tells that person you will try,
that you will come back stronger and
better informed. Cook — as this web site
itself asserts that you can — like a man.
3. Give a gift.
Pick it by laying your hands on it. This
implies: getting off your ass and giving
something that matters. Forget the
Internet. Forget anything you can order
over the Internet: flowers, perfume,
suggestions for the reading club, shake-
weights. The Internet is a gas cloud of
binary code — long strings of ones and
zeros. Don't give in to the coding.
Give her something off your dresser.
Give her a drawer in your dresser. Give
her an order of take-out sushi at work.
Then, forgetting reciprocation entirely,
assess how that makes you feel.
4. Give compliments.
Lead with one when you walk in the
room. Pull her side for another, when
you leave the room together. Mean what
you say. Women listen to what you
appreciate in them. Don't lie about her
hair if you don't really like it. Pull her by
the elbow and let her know you love her
ass.
5. Give your appreciation.
I asked my girlfriend: How did your dad
show your mom that he loved her? Her
response: "Ceaseless appreciation of
everything she did for him. He treated
everything she did as if it were a
surprise, as if it were the first time he'd
ever had her chili or smelled her
perfume. He noted every routine
kindness. And he loved her the same
way, consistently, even when she got
fat."
Don't worry this last thing. Just
appreciate what you have and it won't be
an issue anyway.
6. Make a gesture of your very own.
When I was fourteen, I opened my
family's refrigerator one evening and
discovered a plate of what seemed to be
antipasto, in which every piece of food
on the plate — the prosciutto, the
emmental, the crostini — had been cut
in the shape of Valentine hearts. I stood
there, staring at it, trapped in the
obtuseness of my fourteenth year on the
planet, assuming someone made this for
me. I pulled it out, went and thanked my
mom, who was watching network news
on a black and white television. She
smiled and said, "That's for me. I can't
stand that salty meat, so I left it there
all day just to look at it. That's how your
father lets me know he loves me." She
then told me to look at her dresser, and
her nightstand. My father, apropos of
nothing — no holiday, no anniversary —
had, before leaving the house that
morning, shaped everything on every
flat surface into hearts. "It's his little
thing. It's what he does," my mother
said. "It's so corny, but it works."
I've never tried it. That was his material.
But I got the point. Small gestures are a
pleasure of love.
7. Be a top.
This is a sexual term, related to
dominant positioning. Topping someone
in sex is informative to a relationship,
because there are ways that dominance
and strength are a form of completion.
Saying what you want, even gruffly, is a
means of telling the person you are
speaking to that you actually want them,
particularly. The message here is: Be
strong. Don't be constantly compliant
and cooperative. Women want to be
heard, but they don't want to push you
around. So — despite all my urging to be
humble, self-contained, to strip yourself
of expectations — be honest about what
you need, what you like and what you
want. Don't force it, but don't back off
either.
8. Be a bottom.
Also a sexual term, related to taking the
passive role. I'm not telling you to let
her plow you with a strap-on. (Though
float your own boat; I do not judge.) I'm
talking about letting the needs of the
other supercede the needs of the self.
Surrender. Give in. Do what she wants,
the way she wants it. You can be sure a
good woman knows the value of a small
surrender. Despite the moronic
hegemony of lite-beer commercials in
the framing of American male self-
conception, there is nothing wrong with
going shopping now and then, in reading
a book she gives you, in listening to her
expansive stories about conflicts at
work. You want her to watch games
with you, to watch you play softball, to
sit around and eat wings once in a while,
right? Lookie there, I'm in the middle of
a Miller Lite commercial as we speak.
9. Tell her what you are.
Make a list of all your flaws, foibles, and
missteps. Be honest. A legal pad is your
best friend here. Just put your head
down and admit your shortcomings,
your weaknesses, your mistakes. Use
numbers. Remember: Don't sell it. Just
tell it. You will never be sorry you did,
not five days later, or five years. Don't
ask for forgiveness. This is an assertion,
too, not an apology. If you're lucky,
she'll be inspired to do the same. And
the two of you will undo years of
horseshit and prevarication because
she's embarrassed she slept with her
stepbrother when she was nineteen, or
you didn't want to admit that the strap-
on thing really does interest you.
Save your best stuff if you must, leave
blank lines, whatever. But understand
that if you are not willing to open up in
this way, at least in some fashion, then
you probably aren't in love. You might
be worrying that telling her you still like
YouPorn — Just once a week or so! And
real people! Real women! Never the
ones with porn stars! — will screw the
pooch with her, then you're probably
still worrying more about getting laid
than falling in love.
10. Just show up.
And tell her something. Deliver the
message in person. Avoid texting,
cellphones, e-mails. Walk to your car,
drive across the city, find a parking spot,
go into her office, suffer the niceties and
small talk of her inane office workers,
greet her, pull her to the side and tell
her that you were thinking about how
much you love the way she looks in her
underwear. She'll know what you did to
get there, that it meant something to
you. She'll understand the geography
you crossed to get to this point and
apprehend the pure outlines of your
desire.
You can also tell her you love her this
way. But personally, I'd wait on that.
www.josiahdele.blogspot.com
Look, this list works from four
principles, crafted from four gerunds:
making, giving, doing, saying. That is the
order of things, too. Making is first.
First thing: make a decision. For
instance, decide: you are not afraid (not
afraid to pick out flowers, or to say what
you think). Decide: you are not worried
about yourself (and what you might or
might not get from this endeavor).
Decide: you don't deserve anything from
love, so you expect nothing. (This,
friends, is power.) This allows you to
walk the earth without giving up
everything to a cultural concept
currently defined by the characters
sometimes played by Zach Braff, and
consistently played by Kathryn Heigl,
actors inhabiting characters who at the
end of Act Two are crushed when love
itself seems indifferent to their hard-
won sense of romantic entitlement. It
connotes confidence, makes every
kindness a tacit invitation. Quid pro quo
is best reserved for heavy petting, and
shouldn't translate to matters of the
heart.
So make a decision that recognizes that
the only thing you can control is your
own behavior.
2. Make food.
When I first got divorced, a friend of
mine gave me a tip on how to feed my
kids on a work night. It was a very good
tip about frozen skillet meals, which he
sometimes made for his twin daughters
when their mom was away. It seemed
right and kind for him to look out for
me in this way. It was so easy; I didn't
even have to think about cooking. But
the third time I served it, my younger
son, Walter, eight at the time, balked.
"It tastes like a freezer," he said. "It
tastes like yesterday." I was a little
miffed that he wasn't eating it, and I'm
certain that I showed a flash of
frustration. It hurts me to report that he
started crying, probably scared by his
hulking desperate prick of a father, who
got pissed because he, the kid, was too
smart to accept a plate of flash-frozen
chicken penne. "Is this what you made
for Mom?" he asked. "Is this why she
doesn't love you?" I wasn't putting one
bit of thought or care into what I was
cooking. The kid knew it. Smart guy,
always was. (Sorry, Walt, for those
dopey efforts.)
It was not why she didn't love me,
though. I know how to cook. I knew it
then. I was the better cook really. I'd
simply forgotten that the creation of
food — palatable and well made — is an
act of devotion first and foremost. It's
exactly the sort of safe, selfless
demonstrative act that love requires
early on.
Observe what she likes. Stock your
kitchen. Start with a small plate of at
least three well chosen elements: olives,
chocolate, expensive cheese. Like that.
Move on to breakfast if you're lucky
(learn how to cook an omelet), or to
dinner's humblest offerings: a savory,
soup, salad, bread, and expensive store-
bought desert.
Don't apologize for your shortcomings
as a cook. Making food is an assertion of
capability. Even a bad meal, made for
another, tells that person you will try,
that you will come back stronger and
better informed. Cook — as this web site
itself asserts that you can — like a man.
3. Give a gift.
Pick it by laying your hands on it. This
implies: getting off your ass and giving
something that matters. Forget the
Internet. Forget anything you can order
over the Internet: flowers, perfume,
suggestions for the reading club, shake-
weights. The Internet is a gas cloud of
binary code — long strings of ones and
zeros. Don't give in to the coding.
Give her something off your dresser.
Give her a drawer in your dresser. Give
her an order of take-out sushi at work.
Then, forgetting reciprocation entirely,
assess how that makes you feel.
4. Give compliments.
Lead with one when you walk in the
room. Pull her side for another, when
you leave the room together. Mean what
you say. Women listen to what you
appreciate in them. Don't lie about her
hair if you don't really like it. Pull her by
the elbow and let her know you love her
ass.
5. Give your appreciation.
I asked my girlfriend: How did your dad
show your mom that he loved her? Her
response: "Ceaseless appreciation of
everything she did for him. He treated
everything she did as if it were a
surprise, as if it were the first time he'd
ever had her chili or smelled her
perfume. He noted every routine
kindness. And he loved her the same
way, consistently, even when she got
fat."
Don't worry this last thing. Just
appreciate what you have and it won't be
an issue anyway.
6. Make a gesture of your very own.
When I was fourteen, I opened my
family's refrigerator one evening and
discovered a plate of what seemed to be
antipasto, in which every piece of food
on the plate — the prosciutto, the
emmental, the crostini — had been cut
in the shape of Valentine hearts. I stood
there, staring at it, trapped in the
obtuseness of my fourteenth year on the
planet, assuming someone made this for
me. I pulled it out, went and thanked my
mom, who was watching network news
on a black and white television. She
smiled and said, "That's for me. I can't
stand that salty meat, so I left it there
all day just to look at it. That's how your
father lets me know he loves me." She
then told me to look at her dresser, and
her nightstand. My father, apropos of
nothing — no holiday, no anniversary —
had, before leaving the house that
morning, shaped everything on every
flat surface into hearts. "It's his little
thing. It's what he does," my mother
said. "It's so corny, but it works."
I've never tried it. That was his material.
But I got the point. Small gestures are a
pleasure of love.
7. Be a top.
This is a sexual term, related to
dominant positioning. Topping someone
in sex is informative to a relationship,
because there are ways that dominance
and strength are a form of completion.
Saying what you want, even gruffly, is a
means of telling the person you are
speaking to that you actually want them,
particularly. The message here is: Be
strong. Don't be constantly compliant
and cooperative. Women want to be
heard, but they don't want to push you
around. So — despite all my urging to be
humble, self-contained, to strip yourself
of expectations — be honest about what
you need, what you like and what you
want. Don't force it, but don't back off
either.
8. Be a bottom.
Also a sexual term, related to taking the
passive role. I'm not telling you to let
her plow you with a strap-on. (Though
float your own boat; I do not judge.) I'm
talking about letting the needs of the
other supercede the needs of the self.
Surrender. Give in. Do what she wants,
the way she wants it. You can be sure a
good woman knows the value of a small
surrender. Despite the moronic
hegemony of lite-beer commercials in
the framing of American male self-
conception, there is nothing wrong with
going shopping now and then, in reading
a book she gives you, in listening to her
expansive stories about conflicts at
work. You want her to watch games
with you, to watch you play softball, to
sit around and eat wings once in a while,
right? Lookie there, I'm in the middle of
a Miller Lite commercial as we speak.
9. Tell her what you are.
Make a list of all your flaws, foibles, and
missteps. Be honest. A legal pad is your
best friend here. Just put your head
down and admit your shortcomings,
your weaknesses, your mistakes. Use
numbers. Remember: Don't sell it. Just
tell it. You will never be sorry you did,
not five days later, or five years. Don't
ask for forgiveness. This is an assertion,
too, not an apology. If you're lucky,
she'll be inspired to do the same. And
the two of you will undo years of
horseshit and prevarication because
she's embarrassed she slept with her
stepbrother when she was nineteen, or
you didn't want to admit that the strap-
on thing really does interest you.
Save your best stuff if you must, leave
blank lines, whatever. But understand
that if you are not willing to open up in
this way, at least in some fashion, then
you probably aren't in love. You might
be worrying that telling her you still like
YouPorn — Just once a week or so! And
real people! Real women! Never the
ones with porn stars! — will screw the
pooch with her, then you're probably
still worrying more about getting laid
than falling in love.
10. Just show up.
And tell her something. Deliver the
message in person. Avoid texting,
cellphones, e-mails. Walk to your car,
drive across the city, find a parking spot,
go into her office, suffer the niceties and
small talk of her inane office workers,
greet her, pull her to the side and tell
her that you were thinking about how
much you love the way she looks in her
underwear. She'll know what you did to
get there, that it meant something to
you. She'll understand the geography
you crossed to get to this point and
apprehend the pure outlines of your
desire.
You can also tell her you love her this
way. But personally, I'd wait on that.
www.josiahdele.blogspot.com
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