Conflict is a normal part of any healthy
relationship. After all, two people can't
be expected to agree on everything, all
the time. Learning how to deal with
conflict—rather than avoiding it—is
crucial. When conflict is mismanaged, it
can cause great harm to a relationship,
but when handled in a respectful,
positive way, conflict provides an
opportunity to strengthen the bond
between two people. By learning these
skills for conflict resolution, you can
keep your personal and professional
relationships strong and growing.
Understanding conflict in
relationships
Conflict arises from differences, both
large and small. It occurs whenever
people disagree over their values,
motivations, perceptions, ideas, or
desires. Sometimes these differences
appear trivial, but when a conflict
triggers strong feelings, a deep personal
need is often at the core of the problem.
These needs can be a need to feel safe
and secure, a need to feel respected and
valued, or a need for greater closeness
and intimacy.
Conflicts arise from differing
needs
Everyone needs to feel understood,
nurtured, and supported, but the ways
in which these needs are met vary
widely. Differing needs for feeling
comfortable and safe create some of the
most severe challenges in our personal
and professional relationships.
Think about the conflicting need for
safety and continuity versus the need to
explore and take risks. You frequently
see this conflict between toddlers and
their parents. The child's need is to
explore, so the street or the cliff meets a
need. But the parents' need is to protect
the child's safety, so limiting
exploration becomes a bone of
contention between them.
The needs of both parties play
important roles in the long-term success
of most relationships, and each deserves
respect and consideration. In personal
relationships, a lack of understanding
about differing needs can result in
distance, arguments, and break-ups. In
workplace conflicts, differing needs are
often at the heart of bitter disputes,
sometimes resulting in broken deals,
fewer profits and lost jobs. When you
can recognize the legitimacy of
conflicting needs and become willing to
examine them in an environment of
compassionate understanding, it opens
pathways to creative problem solving,
team building, and improved
relationships.
How do you perceive conflict?
Do you fear conflict or avoid it at all
costs? If your perception of conflict
comes from frightening or painful
memories from previous unhealthy
relationships or early childhood, you
may expect all present-day
disagreements to end badly. You may
view conflict in relationships as
demoralizing, humiliating, dangerous,
and something to fear. If your early life
experiences also left you feeling out of
control and powerless, conflict may even
be traumatizing for you.
If you view conflict as dangerous, it
tends to become a self-fulfilling
prophecy. When you go into a conflict
situation already feeling extremely
threatened, it's tough to deal with the
problem at hand in a healthy way.
Instead, you are more likely to shut
down or blow up in anger.
Healthy and unhealthy ways of
managing and resolving conflict
Unhealthy
responses to
conflict:
Healthy
responses to
conflict
An inability to
recognize and
respond to the
things that
matter to the
other person The capacity to
recognize and
respond to the
things that
matter to the
other person
Explosive, angry,
hurtful, and
resentful
reactions Calm, non-
defensive, and
respectful
reactions
The withdrawal
of love, resulting
in rejection,
isolation,
shaming, and
fear of
abandonment
A readiness to
forgive and
forget, and to
move past the
conflict without
holding
resentments or
anger
An inability to
compromise or
see the other
person's side The ability to
seek
compromise and
avoid punishing
The fear and
avoidance of
conflict; the
expectation of
bad outcomes A belief that
facing conflict
head on is the
best thing for
both sides
Conflict resolution, stress, and
emotions
Conflict triggers strong emotions and
can lead to hurt feelings,
disappointment, and discomfort. When
handled in an unhealthy manner, it can
cause irreparable rifts, resentments, and
break-ups. But when conflict is resolved
in a healthy way, it increases our
understanding of one another, builds
trust, and strengthens our relationship
bonds.
If you are out of touch with your feelings
or so stressed that you can only pay
attention to a limited number of
emotions, you won't be able to
understand your own needs. And, if you
don't understand your own needs, you
will have a hard time communicating
with others and staying in touch with
what's really troubling you. For
example, couples often argue about
petty differences—the way she hangs the
towels, the way he slurps his soup—
rather than what is really bothering
them.
To successfully resolve a conflict, you
will need to learn and practice two core
skills: the ability to quickly reduce
stress in the moment and the ability to
remain comfortable enough with your
emotions to react in constructive ways
even in the midst of an argument or a
perceived attack.
Quick stress relief: The first core
conflict resolution skill
Being able to manage and relieve stress
in the moment is the key to staying
balanced, focused, and in control, no
matter what challenges you face. If you
don't know how to stay centered and in
control of yourself, you will become
overwhelmed in conflict situations and
unable to respond in healthy ways.
Psychologist Connie Lillas uses a driving
analogy to describe the three most
common ways people respond when
they're overwhelmed by stress:
Foot on the gas. An angry or
agitated stress response. You're
heated, keyed up, overly emotional,
and unable to sit still.
Foot on the brake. A withdrawn or
depressed stress response. You shut
down, space out, and show very little
energy or emotion.
Foot on both gas and brake. A
tense and frozen stress response. You
"freeze" under pressure and can't do
anything. You look paralyzed, but
under the surface you're extremely
agitated.
Stress interferes with the ability to
resolve conflict by limiting your
ability to:
Accurately read another person's
nonverbal communication
Hear what someone is really saying
Be aware of your own feelings
Be in touch with your deep-rooted
needs
Communicate your needs clearly
Is stress a problem or you?
You may be so used to being stressed
that you're not even aware you are
stressed. Stress may be a problem in
your life if you identify with the
following:
You often feel tense or tight
somewhere in your body
You're not aware of movement in
your chest or stomach when you
breathe
Conflict absorbs your time and
attention
Emotional awareness: The second
core conflict resolution skill
Emotional awareness is the key to
understanding yourself and others. If
you don't know how you feel or why you
feel that way, you won't be able to
communicate effectively or resolve
disagreements.
Although knowing your own feelings
may sound simple, many people ignore
or try to sedate strong emotions like
anger, sadness, and fear. Your ability to
handle conflict, however, depends on
being connected to these feelings. If
you're afraid of strong emotions or if
you insist on finding solutions that are
strictly rational, your ability to face and
resolve differences will be impaired.
Why emotional awareness is a key
factor in resolving conflict
Emotional awareness—the
consciousness of your moment-to-
moment emotional experience—and the
ability to manage all of your feelings
appropriately is the basis of a
communication process that can resolve
conflict.
Emotional awareness helps you:
Understand what is really troubling
other people
Understand yourself, including what
is really troubling you
Stay motivated until the conflict is
resolved
Communicate clearly and effectively
Attract and influence others
Assessing your ability to recognize
and manage emotions
The following quiz helps you assess your
level of emotional awareness. Answer
the following questions with: almost
never, occasionally, often, very
frequently, or almost always. There are
no right or wrong responses, only the
opportunity to become better
acquainted with your emotional
responses.
If any of these experiences are
unfamiliar, your emotions may be
turned down or even turned off. In
either case, you may need help
developing your emotional awareness.
You can do this by using Helpguide's
free emotional intelligence toolkit.
Nonverbal communication and
conflict resolution
The most important information
exchanged during conflicts and
arguments is often communicated
nonverbally. Nonverbal communication
is conveyed by emotionally driven facial
expressions, posture, gesture, pace, tone
and intensity of voice.
The most important
communication is wordless
When people are upset, the words they
use rarely convey the issues and needs
at the heart of the problem. When we
listen for what is felt—as well as what is
said—we connect more deeply to our
own needs and emotions, and to those of
other people. Listening in this way also
strengthens us, informs us, and makes it
easier for others to hear us.
When you're in the middle of a conflict,
paying close attention to the other
person's nonverbal signals may help you
figure out what the other person is
really saying. This will allow you to
respond in a way that builds trust, and
gets to the root of the problem. A calm
tone of voice, a reassuring touch, or an
interested or concerned facial
expression can go a long way toward
relaxing a tense exchange.
Your ability to accurately read another
person depends on your own emotional
awareness. The more aware you are of
your own emotions, the easier it will be
for you to pick up on the wordless clues
that reveal what others are feeling.
Using humor in conflict resolution
Once stress and emotion are brought
into balance your capacity for joy,
pleasure and playfulness is unleashed.
Joy is a deceptively powerful resource.
Studies show that you can surmount
adversity, as long as you continue to
have moments of joy. Humor plays a
similar role when facing conflict.
You can avoid many confrontations and
resolve arguments and disagreements
by communicating in a humorous way.
Humor can help you say things that
might otherwise be difficult to express
without offending someone. However,
it's important that you laugh with the
other person, not at them. When humor
and play are used to reduce tension and
anger, reframe problems, and put the
situation into perspective, the conflict
can actually become an opportunity for
greater connection and intimacy.
Tips for managing and resolving
conflict
Managing and resolving conflict
requires the ability to quickly reduce
stress and bring your emotions into
balance. You can ensure that the process
is as positive as possible by sticking to
the following guidelines:
Listen for what is felt as well as
said. When we listen we connect
more deeply to our own needs and
emotions, and to those of other
people. Listening also strengthens us,
informs us, and makes it easier for
others to hear us when it's our turn
to speak.
Make conflict resolution the
priority rather than winning or
"being right." Maintaining and
strengthening the relationship, rather
than "winning" the argument, should
always be your first priority. Be
respectful of the other person and his
or her viewpoint.
Focus on the present. If you're
holding on to grudges based on past
resentments, your ability to see the
reality of the current situation will be
impaired. Rather than looking to the
past and assigning blame, focus on
what you can do in the here-and-now
to solve the problem.
Pick your battles. Conflicts can be
draining, so it's important to
consider whether the issue is really
worthy of your time and energy.
Maybe you don't want to surrender a
parking space if you've been circling
for 15 minutes, but if there are dozens
of empty spots, arguing over a single
space isn't worth it.
Be willing to forgive. Resolving
conflict is impossible if you're
unwilling or unable to forgive.
Resolution lies in releasing the urge
to punish, which can never
compensate for our losses and only
adds to our injury by further
depleting and draining our lives.
Know when to let something go.
If you can't come to an agreement,
agree to disagree. It takes two people
to keep an argument going. If a
conflict is going nowhere, you can
choose to disengage and move on.
relationship. After all, two people can't
be expected to agree on everything, all
the time. Learning how to deal with
conflict—rather than avoiding it—is
crucial. When conflict is mismanaged, it
can cause great harm to a relationship,
but when handled in a respectful,
positive way, conflict provides an
opportunity to strengthen the bond
between two people. By learning these
skills for conflict resolution, you can
keep your personal and professional
relationships strong and growing.
Understanding conflict in
relationships
Conflict arises from differences, both
large and small. It occurs whenever
people disagree over their values,
motivations, perceptions, ideas, or
desires. Sometimes these differences
appear trivial, but when a conflict
triggers strong feelings, a deep personal
need is often at the core of the problem.
These needs can be a need to feel safe
and secure, a need to feel respected and
valued, or a need for greater closeness
and intimacy.
Conflicts arise from differing
needs
Everyone needs to feel understood,
nurtured, and supported, but the ways
in which these needs are met vary
widely. Differing needs for feeling
comfortable and safe create some of the
most severe challenges in our personal
and professional relationships.
Think about the conflicting need for
safety and continuity versus the need to
explore and take risks. You frequently
see this conflict between toddlers and
their parents. The child's need is to
explore, so the street or the cliff meets a
need. But the parents' need is to protect
the child's safety, so limiting
exploration becomes a bone of
contention between them.
The needs of both parties play
important roles in the long-term success
of most relationships, and each deserves
respect and consideration. In personal
relationships, a lack of understanding
about differing needs can result in
distance, arguments, and break-ups. In
workplace conflicts, differing needs are
often at the heart of bitter disputes,
sometimes resulting in broken deals,
fewer profits and lost jobs. When you
can recognize the legitimacy of
conflicting needs and become willing to
examine them in an environment of
compassionate understanding, it opens
pathways to creative problem solving,
team building, and improved
relationships.
How do you perceive conflict?
Do you fear conflict or avoid it at all
costs? If your perception of conflict
comes from frightening or painful
memories from previous unhealthy
relationships or early childhood, you
may expect all present-day
disagreements to end badly. You may
view conflict in relationships as
demoralizing, humiliating, dangerous,
and something to fear. If your early life
experiences also left you feeling out of
control and powerless, conflict may even
be traumatizing for you.
If you view conflict as dangerous, it
tends to become a self-fulfilling
prophecy. When you go into a conflict
situation already feeling extremely
threatened, it's tough to deal with the
problem at hand in a healthy way.
Instead, you are more likely to shut
down or blow up in anger.
Healthy and unhealthy ways of
managing and resolving conflict
Unhealthy
responses to
conflict:
Healthy
responses to
conflict
An inability to
recognize and
respond to the
things that
matter to the
other person The capacity to
recognize and
respond to the
things that
matter to the
other person
Explosive, angry,
hurtful, and
resentful
reactions Calm, non-
defensive, and
respectful
reactions
The withdrawal
of love, resulting
in rejection,
isolation,
shaming, and
fear of
abandonment
A readiness to
forgive and
forget, and to
move past the
conflict without
holding
resentments or
anger
An inability to
compromise or
see the other
person's side The ability to
seek
compromise and
avoid punishing
The fear and
avoidance of
conflict; the
expectation of
bad outcomes A belief that
facing conflict
head on is the
best thing for
both sides
Conflict resolution, stress, and
emotions
Conflict triggers strong emotions and
can lead to hurt feelings,
disappointment, and discomfort. When
handled in an unhealthy manner, it can
cause irreparable rifts, resentments, and
break-ups. But when conflict is resolved
in a healthy way, it increases our
understanding of one another, builds
trust, and strengthens our relationship
bonds.
If you are out of touch with your feelings
or so stressed that you can only pay
attention to a limited number of
emotions, you won't be able to
understand your own needs. And, if you
don't understand your own needs, you
will have a hard time communicating
with others and staying in touch with
what's really troubling you. For
example, couples often argue about
petty differences—the way she hangs the
towels, the way he slurps his soup—
rather than what is really bothering
them.
To successfully resolve a conflict, you
will need to learn and practice two core
skills: the ability to quickly reduce
stress in the moment and the ability to
remain comfortable enough with your
emotions to react in constructive ways
even in the midst of an argument or a
perceived attack.
Quick stress relief: The first core
conflict resolution skill
Being able to manage and relieve stress
in the moment is the key to staying
balanced, focused, and in control, no
matter what challenges you face. If you
don't know how to stay centered and in
control of yourself, you will become
overwhelmed in conflict situations and
unable to respond in healthy ways.
Psychologist Connie Lillas uses a driving
analogy to describe the three most
common ways people respond when
they're overwhelmed by stress:
Foot on the gas. An angry or
agitated stress response. You're
heated, keyed up, overly emotional,
and unable to sit still.
Foot on the brake. A withdrawn or
depressed stress response. You shut
down, space out, and show very little
energy or emotion.
Foot on both gas and brake. A
tense and frozen stress response. You
"freeze" under pressure and can't do
anything. You look paralyzed, but
under the surface you're extremely
agitated.
Stress interferes with the ability to
resolve conflict by limiting your
ability to:
Accurately read another person's
nonverbal communication
Hear what someone is really saying
Be aware of your own feelings
Be in touch with your deep-rooted
needs
Communicate your needs clearly
Is stress a problem or you?
You may be so used to being stressed
that you're not even aware you are
stressed. Stress may be a problem in
your life if you identify with the
following:
You often feel tense or tight
somewhere in your body
You're not aware of movement in
your chest or stomach when you
breathe
Conflict absorbs your time and
attention
Emotional awareness: The second
core conflict resolution skill
Emotional awareness is the key to
understanding yourself and others. If
you don't know how you feel or why you
feel that way, you won't be able to
communicate effectively or resolve
disagreements.
Although knowing your own feelings
may sound simple, many people ignore
or try to sedate strong emotions like
anger, sadness, and fear. Your ability to
handle conflict, however, depends on
being connected to these feelings. If
you're afraid of strong emotions or if
you insist on finding solutions that are
strictly rational, your ability to face and
resolve differences will be impaired.
Why emotional awareness is a key
factor in resolving conflict
Emotional awareness—the
consciousness of your moment-to-
moment emotional experience—and the
ability to manage all of your feelings
appropriately is the basis of a
communication process that can resolve
conflict.
Emotional awareness helps you:
Understand what is really troubling
other people
Understand yourself, including what
is really troubling you
Stay motivated until the conflict is
resolved
Communicate clearly and effectively
Attract and influence others
Assessing your ability to recognize
and manage emotions
The following quiz helps you assess your
level of emotional awareness. Answer
the following questions with: almost
never, occasionally, often, very
frequently, or almost always. There are
no right or wrong responses, only the
opportunity to become better
acquainted with your emotional
responses.
If any of these experiences are
unfamiliar, your emotions may be
turned down or even turned off. In
either case, you may need help
developing your emotional awareness.
You can do this by using Helpguide's
free emotional intelligence toolkit.
Nonverbal communication and
conflict resolution
The most important information
exchanged during conflicts and
arguments is often communicated
nonverbally. Nonverbal communication
is conveyed by emotionally driven facial
expressions, posture, gesture, pace, tone
and intensity of voice.
The most important
communication is wordless
When people are upset, the words they
use rarely convey the issues and needs
at the heart of the problem. When we
listen for what is felt—as well as what is
said—we connect more deeply to our
own needs and emotions, and to those of
other people. Listening in this way also
strengthens us, informs us, and makes it
easier for others to hear us.
When you're in the middle of a conflict,
paying close attention to the other
person's nonverbal signals may help you
figure out what the other person is
really saying. This will allow you to
respond in a way that builds trust, and
gets to the root of the problem. A calm
tone of voice, a reassuring touch, or an
interested or concerned facial
expression can go a long way toward
relaxing a tense exchange.
Your ability to accurately read another
person depends on your own emotional
awareness. The more aware you are of
your own emotions, the easier it will be
for you to pick up on the wordless clues
that reveal what others are feeling.
Using humor in conflict resolution
Once stress and emotion are brought
into balance your capacity for joy,
pleasure and playfulness is unleashed.
Joy is a deceptively powerful resource.
Studies show that you can surmount
adversity, as long as you continue to
have moments of joy. Humor plays a
similar role when facing conflict.
You can avoid many confrontations and
resolve arguments and disagreements
by communicating in a humorous way.
Humor can help you say things that
might otherwise be difficult to express
without offending someone. However,
it's important that you laugh with the
other person, not at them. When humor
and play are used to reduce tension and
anger, reframe problems, and put the
situation into perspective, the conflict
can actually become an opportunity for
greater connection and intimacy.
Tips for managing and resolving
conflict
Managing and resolving conflict
requires the ability to quickly reduce
stress and bring your emotions into
balance. You can ensure that the process
is as positive as possible by sticking to
the following guidelines:
Listen for what is felt as well as
said. When we listen we connect
more deeply to our own needs and
emotions, and to those of other
people. Listening also strengthens us,
informs us, and makes it easier for
others to hear us when it's our turn
to speak.
Make conflict resolution the
priority rather than winning or
"being right." Maintaining and
strengthening the relationship, rather
than "winning" the argument, should
always be your first priority. Be
respectful of the other person and his
or her viewpoint.
Focus on the present. If you're
holding on to grudges based on past
resentments, your ability to see the
reality of the current situation will be
impaired. Rather than looking to the
past and assigning blame, focus on
what you can do in the here-and-now
to solve the problem.
Pick your battles. Conflicts can be
draining, so it's important to
consider whether the issue is really
worthy of your time and energy.
Maybe you don't want to surrender a
parking space if you've been circling
for 15 minutes, but if there are dozens
of empty spots, arguing over a single
space isn't worth it.
Be willing to forgive. Resolving
conflict is impossible if you're
unwilling or unable to forgive.
Resolution lies in releasing the urge
to punish, which can never
compensate for our losses and only
adds to our injury by further
depleting and draining our lives.
Know when to let something go.
If you can't come to an agreement,
agree to disagree. It takes two people
to keep an argument going. If a
conflict is going nowhere, you can
choose to disengage and move on.
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