Being an effective and "wise" dater
requires that you balance several
separate issues. You must be
assured of your own emotional
health and have created a list of
qualities that you want and don't
want in a relationship partner.
You also must have developed the
ability to actively listen. "Active
Listening" is a way of absorbing
who a person is, by the things they
say. It's about asking questions
and empathizing with their
answers. This type of listening is
the best way to quickly determine
if the person sitting across from
you is a good potential mate.
Tell Me About Yourself
During a first date, volumes of
personal information are
exchanged. As a person talks
about their life, they reveal what
sort of people they have as friends,
what their hobbies are, their level
of responsibility, their anger level,
their opinions on the opposite sex,
and on and on. These clues are
usually wrapped inside stories or
observations, but to the person
who is focused on listening, they
are loud and clear. It is usually
best to arrange for a first date to
be in setting where you can spend
unlimited time talking and
sharing. When you do, you can
learn enough during the first date
to decide if this is a relationship
that should move ahead.
Is that Any Fun?
Dating should be fun. Life should
be fun! This fact-finding attitude
doesn't mean that you "interview"
your date, firing question after
question to see if they make
muster. Rather, in the course of
natural conversation, be aware of
what is being revealed. It is also
important for singles to focus on
the other person during the first
few dates. We all want to make a
good impression, but trying to
"win over" someone makes it hard
for us to tune in to the necessary
information that is coming our
way. Mature dating involves
questioning deeper matters –
matters that determine the
likelihood of a healthy, long-term
match.
Becoming an Expert Observer
The best way to get the maximum
information from someone is to
get them talking and then listen.
Often times the most basic
questions like, "Do you like your
job?" are the most revealing. If
someone spends 15 minutes
explaining how they hate their job
but cannot seem to leave, you can
discern some very valuable
information about their level of
day to day happiness. We
encourage you to start with the
simple questions. "As you listen to
what the person says, you can ask
follow-up questions in a natural
way, and you can move toward
more meaningful topics. You want
to discover what the person
enjoys about his daily experience,
whether he is happy and why."
Pinpoint the Family History
Perhaps the most important
indicator of whether a person
would be a good relationship
partner is their relationship with
their parents. By directing the
conversation to family history you
can quickly learn a great deal of
information about how this
person will behave in an intimate
relationship. Also important here
is information on the marriage of
this person's parents. It is a
natural tendency for individuals to
re-live the marriage that was
modeled for them as children. A
traumatic childhood would be a
warning sign worth considering.
Acts Speak Louder Than
Words
While some people are skilled at
talking in ways that hide their true
natures, their actions invariably
reveal a great deal about whom
they are. By the end of a first date
you have witnessed: a person's
phone manner, their punctuality,
their manners, their respect for
service employees, as well as an
entire host of other behaviors that
reveal their values and beliefs. It's
crucial that you assess your date's
judgment. If the individual knows
how to make consistently wise
decisions, he or she will almost
certainly contribute consistently
to the strength and health of the
relationship. So your task
becomes one of "judging your
date's judgments.
Lastly, intuition plays a part in
deciding if this person is someone
you would like to continue seeing.
Do you feel comfortable around
this person? Can you be yourself?
Even if nothing you have heard
during your date seems to be a
warning sign, you must still honor
that feeling that says something is
wrong. With some people, you feel
a need to live up to their
expectations, preference and
strongly held opinions. With
others, you experience a kind of
total acceptance and unconditional
affirmation that sets you free at a
deep and fundamental level.
Attention not only to what the
person says and does but how you
feel at the end of the evening is the
key to making a wise relationship
decision.
requires that you balance several
separate issues. You must be
assured of your own emotional
health and have created a list of
qualities that you want and don't
want in a relationship partner.
You also must have developed the
ability to actively listen. "Active
Listening" is a way of absorbing
who a person is, by the things they
say. It's about asking questions
and empathizing with their
answers. This type of listening is
the best way to quickly determine
if the person sitting across from
you is a good potential mate.
Tell Me About Yourself
During a first date, volumes of
personal information are
exchanged. As a person talks
about their life, they reveal what
sort of people they have as friends,
what their hobbies are, their level
of responsibility, their anger level,
their opinions on the opposite sex,
and on and on. These clues are
usually wrapped inside stories or
observations, but to the person
who is focused on listening, they
are loud and clear. It is usually
best to arrange for a first date to
be in setting where you can spend
unlimited time talking and
sharing. When you do, you can
learn enough during the first date
to decide if this is a relationship
that should move ahead.
Is that Any Fun?
Dating should be fun. Life should
be fun! This fact-finding attitude
doesn't mean that you "interview"
your date, firing question after
question to see if they make
muster. Rather, in the course of
natural conversation, be aware of
what is being revealed. It is also
important for singles to focus on
the other person during the first
few dates. We all want to make a
good impression, but trying to
"win over" someone makes it hard
for us to tune in to the necessary
information that is coming our
way. Mature dating involves
questioning deeper matters –
matters that determine the
likelihood of a healthy, long-term
match.
Becoming an Expert Observer
The best way to get the maximum
information from someone is to
get them talking and then listen.
Often times the most basic
questions like, "Do you like your
job?" are the most revealing. If
someone spends 15 minutes
explaining how they hate their job
but cannot seem to leave, you can
discern some very valuable
information about their level of
day to day happiness. We
encourage you to start with the
simple questions. "As you listen to
what the person says, you can ask
follow-up questions in a natural
way, and you can move toward
more meaningful topics. You want
to discover what the person
enjoys about his daily experience,
whether he is happy and why."
Pinpoint the Family History
Perhaps the most important
indicator of whether a person
would be a good relationship
partner is their relationship with
their parents. By directing the
conversation to family history you
can quickly learn a great deal of
information about how this
person will behave in an intimate
relationship. Also important here
is information on the marriage of
this person's parents. It is a
natural tendency for individuals to
re-live the marriage that was
modeled for them as children. A
traumatic childhood would be a
warning sign worth considering.
Acts Speak Louder Than
Words
While some people are skilled at
talking in ways that hide their true
natures, their actions invariably
reveal a great deal about whom
they are. By the end of a first date
you have witnessed: a person's
phone manner, their punctuality,
their manners, their respect for
service employees, as well as an
entire host of other behaviors that
reveal their values and beliefs. It's
crucial that you assess your date's
judgment. If the individual knows
how to make consistently wise
decisions, he or she will almost
certainly contribute consistently
to the strength and health of the
relationship. So your task
becomes one of "judging your
date's judgments.
Lastly, intuition plays a part in
deciding if this person is someone
you would like to continue seeing.
Do you feel comfortable around
this person? Can you be yourself?
Even if nothing you have heard
during your date seems to be a
warning sign, you must still honor
that feeling that says something is
wrong. With some people, you feel
a need to live up to their
expectations, preference and
strongly held opinions. With
others, you experience a kind of
total acceptance and unconditional
affirmation that sets you free at a
deep and fundamental level.
Attention not only to what the
person says and does but how you
feel at the end of the evening is the
key to making a wise relationship
decision.
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