I was 11 years old when I was invited to
an elderly neighbor's house for tea. My
mother dressed me in the nicest outfit I
had for the occasion and made sure I
knew enough etiquette to get through the
event without embarrassing myself (or
her).
As she buttoned the collar of my crisp
white shirt I asked her, "How do I tell
Mrs. Kinsey if I don't want any more tea?
My mother smiled and smoothed the
ribbon in my hair. "Honey, when you
don't want any more, just lay your hand
gently over your cup and tell her you've
had enough."
Twenty-five years later, I sat in my car
and sobbed into my cell phone, "Mom,
I'm done. I've had enough. We're getting a
divorce."
If you're reading this, chances are you're
going through a crisis in your own
relationship or marriage that makes you
question if you, too have had 'enough.'
But if you're like most women, you're
also wondering when 'enough is …
enough'. Millions of thoughts and doubts
roll through your mind; questions on
whether you've given it a fair chance, if
you've tried everything and finally what
will happen once you make that decision.
If you're like me, you poured over the
Internet and self-help books looking for
answers. Maybe you've sought help from
a marriage counselor (or in my case six of
them). Finally, you've likely solicited
advice from those close to you; friends,
family … even co-workers.
I'm here to tell you that all of the
advice, counseling and books in the
world will not answer the question
for you of when is the right time to
leave.
But there is, in fact, a 'right time.' Yes, it's
different for everyone and only you know
when that time comes. How do you
know?
Four years before my marriage actually
ended, I told my husband I wanted a
divorce. We had stopped having sex, he
had begun hiding things like his cell
phone bill and pay stubs and neither of us
were happy. But as we discussed the
details of the actual process of divorcing
each other, fear set in. I began to wonder
if I'd done enough to save my marriage.
Had I truly exhausted every single means
available to me? I knew my husband
wasn't going to seek out new or inventive
ways to save our marriage—his
ambivalence to saving our marriage was
the same as his ambivalence to ending it.
I had heard lots of stories of women who
tried "one last thing" to save their
marriages— and it ended up working. For
the sake of my vows, for the sake of my
children ... I had to give it everything I
had.
This would be a great story if I could tell
you that anything I tried within the next
four years helped —even a little. Sadly,
most of it failed miserably and sent me
further down the rabbit hole of despair.
What it did accomplish was the peace of
mind in knowing that —when I did finally
walk away —I had exhausted every idea
and resource available to me.
Four years of crying myself to sleep,
endless self-help books, hiding the reality
from neighbors and relatives, long talks
that ended only in tears or fights … and
all of it did not help to save our sinking
ship.
If you are sitting, reading this now, ask
yourself this one critical question: "If I
walk away now, will I have regret over
what I have left undone?"
If the answer is yes, then it might not be
time to leave. (Unless we're talking about
an abusive relationship, and then it's
always best to leave as soon as possible.)
If there is still some doubt in your mind
that divorcing is the right thing to do,
then you still have options. If you are
sitting, thinking only of how hard it will
be, how much you don't want to divorce,
how hard it will be on your children/
friends/family/work … that's different.
Yes, it will be hard/painful/scary at
times. But the good news is that it will
end the constant pain/fear/rejection that
you face every day in your marriage.
Reading this, you're likely hoping I'll tell
you the magic formula to knowing the
right time. And I will … sort of.
The right time is when you've
finally, completely and inexorably
had ENOUGH.
Enough crying, pain, yelling … whatever
has been filling your days and nights in
the last few weeks, months or years of
your marriage. And somehow, when you
finally get to that point, I want to you go
somewhere quiet and say it out loud to
yourself. "I'm done. I've had enough."
And then mean it.
If that phrase feels like a release, then
you know it's time.
My best friend once told me that the only
things that haunt you from a marriage are
the regrets of things not done. Now, there
are two schools of thought on this,
because my other good friend, Leisl, takes
a harder line on divorce. She comes from
a more hard knocks approach. She once
told me that she knew it was time to go
when she found herself thinking about
ways to leave her ex … every single day.
She didn't continue to try to save her
marriage, because she knew in her heart
that none of those things would work. If
this sounds more like you, and you know
in your heart that all the divorce articles
in the world aren't going to bail out the
hole in your ship— then you know you've
had enough.
The initial shock will wear off like the
buzz from a cosmopolitan. But let me
assure you, after the shock, grief will
come … and then relief. There is sadness,
because it's an end; a death of something
amazing you once shared with someone
who held your closest secrets. But it's a
release because of the enormous amount
of effort it has taken to hold something
that's crumbling together for that long.
Whether you've been fighting for one year
or 10, eventually you will reach a limit.
Everyone does. And when that time
comes, place your hand carefully over
your cup, smile and say, "I'm done. I've
had enough."
an elderly neighbor's house for tea. My
mother dressed me in the nicest outfit I
had for the occasion and made sure I
knew enough etiquette to get through the
event without embarrassing myself (or
her).
As she buttoned the collar of my crisp
white shirt I asked her, "How do I tell
Mrs. Kinsey if I don't want any more tea?
My mother smiled and smoothed the
ribbon in my hair. "Honey, when you
don't want any more, just lay your hand
gently over your cup and tell her you've
had enough."
Twenty-five years later, I sat in my car
and sobbed into my cell phone, "Mom,
I'm done. I've had enough. We're getting a
divorce."
If you're reading this, chances are you're
going through a crisis in your own
relationship or marriage that makes you
question if you, too have had 'enough.'
But if you're like most women, you're
also wondering when 'enough is …
enough'. Millions of thoughts and doubts
roll through your mind; questions on
whether you've given it a fair chance, if
you've tried everything and finally what
will happen once you make that decision.
If you're like me, you poured over the
Internet and self-help books looking for
answers. Maybe you've sought help from
a marriage counselor (or in my case six of
them). Finally, you've likely solicited
advice from those close to you; friends,
family … even co-workers.
I'm here to tell you that all of the
advice, counseling and books in the
world will not answer the question
for you of when is the right time to
leave.
But there is, in fact, a 'right time.' Yes, it's
different for everyone and only you know
when that time comes. How do you
know?
Four years before my marriage actually
ended, I told my husband I wanted a
divorce. We had stopped having sex, he
had begun hiding things like his cell
phone bill and pay stubs and neither of us
were happy. But as we discussed the
details of the actual process of divorcing
each other, fear set in. I began to wonder
if I'd done enough to save my marriage.
Had I truly exhausted every single means
available to me? I knew my husband
wasn't going to seek out new or inventive
ways to save our marriage—his
ambivalence to saving our marriage was
the same as his ambivalence to ending it.
I had heard lots of stories of women who
tried "one last thing" to save their
marriages— and it ended up working. For
the sake of my vows, for the sake of my
children ... I had to give it everything I
had.
This would be a great story if I could tell
you that anything I tried within the next
four years helped —even a little. Sadly,
most of it failed miserably and sent me
further down the rabbit hole of despair.
What it did accomplish was the peace of
mind in knowing that —when I did finally
walk away —I had exhausted every idea
and resource available to me.
Four years of crying myself to sleep,
endless self-help books, hiding the reality
from neighbors and relatives, long talks
that ended only in tears or fights … and
all of it did not help to save our sinking
ship.
If you are sitting, reading this now, ask
yourself this one critical question: "If I
walk away now, will I have regret over
what I have left undone?"
If the answer is yes, then it might not be
time to leave. (Unless we're talking about
an abusive relationship, and then it's
always best to leave as soon as possible.)
If there is still some doubt in your mind
that divorcing is the right thing to do,
then you still have options. If you are
sitting, thinking only of how hard it will
be, how much you don't want to divorce,
how hard it will be on your children/
friends/family/work … that's different.
Yes, it will be hard/painful/scary at
times. But the good news is that it will
end the constant pain/fear/rejection that
you face every day in your marriage.
Reading this, you're likely hoping I'll tell
you the magic formula to knowing the
right time. And I will … sort of.
The right time is when you've
finally, completely and inexorably
had ENOUGH.
Enough crying, pain, yelling … whatever
has been filling your days and nights in
the last few weeks, months or years of
your marriage. And somehow, when you
finally get to that point, I want to you go
somewhere quiet and say it out loud to
yourself. "I'm done. I've had enough."
And then mean it.
If that phrase feels like a release, then
you know it's time.
My best friend once told me that the only
things that haunt you from a marriage are
the regrets of things not done. Now, there
are two schools of thought on this,
because my other good friend, Leisl, takes
a harder line on divorce. She comes from
a more hard knocks approach. She once
told me that she knew it was time to go
when she found herself thinking about
ways to leave her ex … every single day.
She didn't continue to try to save her
marriage, because she knew in her heart
that none of those things would work. If
this sounds more like you, and you know
in your heart that all the divorce articles
in the world aren't going to bail out the
hole in your ship— then you know you've
had enough.
The initial shock will wear off like the
buzz from a cosmopolitan. But let me
assure you, after the shock, grief will
come … and then relief. There is sadness,
because it's an end; a death of something
amazing you once shared with someone
who held your closest secrets. But it's a
release because of the enormous amount
of effort it has taken to hold something
that's crumbling together for that long.
Whether you've been fighting for one year
or 10, eventually you will reach a limit.
Everyone does. And when that time
comes, place your hand carefully over
your cup, smile and say, "I'm done. I've
had enough."
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