When you're feeling overwhelmed, make
a deliberate effort to calm yourself. This
strategy eases the need to be defensive
and to stonewall--two of the "Four
Horsemen"--and undercuts the physical
feelings that sustain the thoughts that
maintain distress.
From the data gathered in our lab we've
seen how quickly discussions fall apart
as soon as one spouse's heart rate begins
to soar. Learning how to calm down
helps prevent unproductive fighting or
running away from the important
discussions you may need to have.
In addition, listening or speaking
without being defensive helps to counter
several destructive habits. If you happen
to be a nondefensive listener, chances
are it will make the cycle of negativity
much less likely. And a nondefensive
attitude on your part also helps to
defuse the need to stonewall,
particularly for men. But keep in mind
that defensiveness is a two-way street; if
you start speaking nondefensively, you
will lessen your partner's need to be
defensive.
Letting your spouse know that you
understand him or her is also one of the
most powerful tools for healing your
relationship. It is an antidote to
criticism, contempt, and defensiveness.
Instead of attacking or ignoring your
partner's point of view, you try to see
the problem from his or her perspective
and show that you think his or her
viewpoint may have some validity.
When you've had one successful fight
using these techniques, you may think
you've fully mastered the strategies. But
these lessons have to be practiced often.
So often, in fact, that they become
completely automatic. Each time you
rehearse being nondefensive or
validating is a new and different
experience and it's important to keep
trying even when you're tired and don't
feel like it. The idea is that if you
overlearn a communication skill, you'll
have ready access to it when you need it
most--during a heated argument with
your spouse when you are
physiologically aroused.
www.josiahdele.blogspot.com
a deliberate effort to calm yourself. This
strategy eases the need to be defensive
and to stonewall--two of the "Four
Horsemen"--and undercuts the physical
feelings that sustain the thoughts that
maintain distress.
From the data gathered in our lab we've
seen how quickly discussions fall apart
as soon as one spouse's heart rate begins
to soar. Learning how to calm down
helps prevent unproductive fighting or
running away from the important
discussions you may need to have.
In addition, listening or speaking
without being defensive helps to counter
several destructive habits. If you happen
to be a nondefensive listener, chances
are it will make the cycle of negativity
much less likely. And a nondefensive
attitude on your part also helps to
defuse the need to stonewall,
particularly for men. But keep in mind
that defensiveness is a two-way street; if
you start speaking nondefensively, you
will lessen your partner's need to be
defensive.
Letting your spouse know that you
understand him or her is also one of the
most powerful tools for healing your
relationship. It is an antidote to
criticism, contempt, and defensiveness.
Instead of attacking or ignoring your
partner's point of view, you try to see
the problem from his or her perspective
and show that you think his or her
viewpoint may have some validity.
When you've had one successful fight
using these techniques, you may think
you've fully mastered the strategies. But
these lessons have to be practiced often.
So often, in fact, that they become
completely automatic. Each time you
rehearse being nondefensive or
validating is a new and different
experience and it's important to keep
trying even when you're tired and don't
feel like it. The idea is that if you
overlearn a communication skill, you'll
have ready access to it when you need it
most--during a heated argument with
your spouse when you are
physiologically aroused.
www.josiahdele.blogspot.com
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