I think the first thing to recognize and
understand is that a long term
relationship, arrangement or marriage is
a choice, a commitment one makes not
just to their partner, but also to
themselves to adhere to the rules and
guidelines of the relationships as is
determined by the couple together,
especially in a relationship where one or
more partners cheat.
What I am suggesting is that these rules
and guidelines may be something defined
by the greater society, your church, your
friends, family and/or neighbors, or they
may not.
People go into a long-term situation for
various reasons. The most common of
these reasons is because they feel
attracted to, and connected to the
individual they choose as their long-term
partner, and have a desire to be with
them long term. This is not to say that
each individual will want to follow the
rules set forth by everyone else, nor is it
to say that the rules will stay the same
throughout the duration of the
relationship.
The rules do, however, need to be
discussed and agreed up by each
partner, and should be revisited
often and regularly. The rules
should never just be assumed.
What rules am I referring to here?
Specifically monogamy. The rule of
monogamy is simple: You stay sexually
faithful, namely physically faithful, to one
person. Monogamy is the norm in our
society, true, but there has been some
evidence to suggest that as human
primates we are not necessarily
monogamous by nature.
Unfortunately, most people blindly go
into a long-term situation with an
assumption of monogamy, assuming their
role and their partner's role are both that
which is dictated by the monogamous
frame. Here in lies the problem.
If, in fact, we are not necessarily
monogamous by nature, then an
assumptive role of monogamy can be
detrimental. Why? Mainly because it
doesn't hold each individual party in the
relationship accountable for a decision
they make consciously.
Assuming rules can lead to one
person to cheat in many ways.
If no decision is consciously is being
made, then it doesn't appear to us that we
are making a choice and we are more
likely to feel a lack of control over our
life. Cheating often makes us feel more in
control. And, not to mention the
assumptions made, then often bleed over
into other areas of the relationship, which
can also lead to cheating.
Most people who cheat, men and women
alike, do so because they are feeling
neglected in the relationship. Whether it
be in the form of sexual neglect or
something is lacking by way of emotional
or physical intimacy the bottom line
generally remains the same: some need is
being left unfulfilled.
There are many books, articles, stories
etc., about why people cheat, and studies
being done over the reasons people cheat.
My philosophy tends to look at the
concept of monogamy as something to
address when we decide to embark on a
life journey with someone. My
philosophy tends to focus on honest
communication with each other, and
honesty with yourself.
When a partner's role is assumed to be
monogamous, many other assumptions
might go hand in hand, for example, his/
her faithfulness, happiness, likes/dislikes
and a whole slew of other things. Chances
are your partner will like the idea of
monogamy, so we should not be afraid to
have the conversation. If this is what you
want also, you will need to speak up
about it.
Don't leave this part up to chance. You
and your partner will be more committed
to a choice made consciously with the
relationship in mind, and by recognizing
that the choice to be faithful and
monogamous is a decision and a
commitment to yourself, each other and
to the relationship. The rules are not
something that naturally will be, nor
should be assumed so.
Talking about whether or not a couple, or
an individual chooses monogamy can be
uncomfortable to say the least. This is
where most of us are faced to confront
our jealousies and insecurities about our
partner's desires, as well as to accept and
admit our true inner desires, which may
not necessarily follow the norm of
monogamy, or maybe they do, or maybe
they do today and will be something
different tomorrow.
The conversation is a journey.
Recognizing that feelings ebb and flow,
that our sexuality is fluid and changing,
and then being open to at least talking
about the tides of change, and what is on
your mind, is often the first step in many
cases to an open, and honest relationship
that is less likely to breakdown from the
throes of lies, deceit and infidelity.
The point here is not to assume the
rules of your relationship, but to
decide on the rules together, and to
revisit them often .
We need to see if the rules need any
tweaking, if the rules still fit, etc., Talking
about the rules and expectations of your
relationship together is empowering.
Feeling empowered in your relationship
will make it less likely that you or your
partner will seek out solace elsewhere.
Cheating also does not need to indicate
the end of the relationship. If the cheater
has not moved on permanently, and the
cheat-ee can find room to give the partner
a second chance, this can be a great place
to start the conversation about what led
to the cheating in the first place honestly,
and then to repair and essentially to start
over with more clearly defined rules
together. With a little love, patience and
efforts from both individuals a couple can
come back after infidelity, stronger than
ever.
By Moushumi Ghose
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