As your relationship with a new
person in your life has developed,
you find your old friends falling
away, while family members
remark on how you don't seem
like yourself. Are you losing
yourself to an odd, and ultimately
destructive, relationship? Before
you can regain your individuality
and strength, you'll need to
determine if the relationship is
taking something away, and, if so,
put an end to the destructive cycle.
For the purposes of the article,
we'll alternate between male and
female gender examples ("him" in
one step, "her" in the next). While
the steps are directed towards
romantic relationships, they do
apply to any kind of relationship.
Steps
1. Evaluate honestly: Is this
relationship healthy, or is it
unhealthy? Be objective as you
analyze how things have changed
since this relationship began:
* Are you enjoying elevated
esteem from your friends &
family, or are they looking at you
sideways? Are your family
relationships suddenly filled with
tension, every time your partner's
name comes up? While stressed
relationships with others aren't a
sure sign of an unhealthy romance,
red flags should go up if everyone
who cares about you is getting
worried or is being pushed away.
* Do you find yourself
straying from your path? Are you
doing things you wouldn't
ordinarily do (like drinking or
drugs)? Are you obsessing about
activities that require you to be
alone (any time you can't be with
your love)? Have all the goals and
activities that previously defined
you suddenly been pushed to the
back burner for no reason other
than that your love is not into
them? Deferring your future (that
means quitting school or blowing
off a good job so you can spend
more time together) is a sign you
are becoming unhealthily
dependent on this person (usually
a result of being systematically
isolated from family and friends
from before you got involved).
* Does this person bring out
your best, or worst traits? Do you
feed each others' best self, or have
you seen your attitudes change to
more closely mirror your
partner's, which puts off your
family and friends?
2. Recognize your blindness to
your partner's faults.
Infatuation isn't necessarily a bad
thing. In fact, in can be necessary
and good; however, it does make
one "temporarily insane" for the
first part of a relationship.
Sometimes our starry-eyed
affection can make us willfully
close our eyes to warning signals,
even though we really kind of
know that our friends and family
have a point when they say they
don't like this or that about the
significant other. Ask yourself: Do
you find yourself apologizing or
defending your significant other's
behavior? Finding reasons to
excuse it? "Oh, he went through a
terrible relationship before and
has some issues… you can
understand…" If you find yourself
getting defensive when someone
questions your relationship,
you're probably already aware
that there is a problem and
haven't yet come to terms with it.
Remember that people in healthy
relationships have nothing to hide
or defend. In fact, when a
relationship is healthy, your
friends and family are normally
going to recognize that this person
makes you very happy, brings out
the best in you, and they will
rejoice with the two of you.
3. Notice if your plans are
continually overturned in
favor of hers. You go to pick her
up, thinking you're going to see
"The Wizard of Oz" at the art
theater. But by the time you're
halfway through dinner (at the
other end of town, her restaurant
selection), she has talked you into
seeing "The Fast & The Furious"
at the theater next door to the
restaurant she chose, instead.
More and more, you realize that
you're not keeping any of the
dates you chose. Instead, you're
always changing plans to do what
she wants. And heaven help you if
you planned to have dinner with
friends of yours at 7pm. She won't
get into the shower until 6:50, so
you'll be calling to apologize, and
inconveniencing everyone as you
all wait for her. Because it's
always about her.
4. Remember that
manipulation is when your
partner gets you to do
something you really wish
you hadn't. This person likes
getting you outside your comfort
zone, because then he is pulling
the strings, getting one over on
you.
5. Watch for efforts to exert
financial control. A controlling
partner may take over financial
decisions, whether he earns more
or less than you. If you earn less,
he may require you to ask
permission to buy things,
seriously restricting even rare
personal purchases, or may
demand a long and/or emotional
discussion of even trivial
expenses. If you earn more, be
wary of joint credit card accounts
– BOTH people are legally
responsible for paying, even if
only one of them incurred the
debt; some controlling people will
use a joint credit card account,
max the card, and then leave you
with the bill.
6. Look for subtle
establishment of control over
time. It doesn't happen obviously,
suddenly, or overnight.
Controlling, manipulative people
are often very insecure. That's why
they have the compulsion to
control others – they simply don't
trust anyone but themselves. They
will invest weeks or months in
'training' you to accept and carry
out their will:
* Does she treat your friends
and family disrespectfully?
Rudely?
* Are you realizing it's just
become easier not to spend time
with people you've loved for years,
rather than to make apologies or
excuses for her lateness, or her
rudeness?
* Have all of your past
attachments to people and places
been replaced by either old friends
of your new love, or new friends
you've made since you've been
together? Severing your ties to the
familiar stability of the world you
have always known means he has
just made himself the center of
your universe, and now has no
competition for your attention.
7. Watch out for subtle
discrepancies. When talking
with mutual friends, have they
ever said something about your
new girlfriend that made you stop
and say, "Huh? But she said
something different to me… You
can't have understood that right."
Did you then dismiss the idea that
what your friends heard could
have actually been true? That's a
big red flag. When you're being
controlled or manipulated, it's
usually through half-truths or
omissions, not outright lies.
There's just enough weirdness to
make you stop and think, but not
quite enough to get you to re-
evaluate the entire relationship. If
this happens more than once,
STOP and remind yourself that
this isn't the first time you've had
this reaction. Start analyzing
discrepancies between what she
said, and what your friends say. It
may save you from disaster later.
8. Keep your support system.
Cutting you off from your support
systems helps him gain dominance
over you – and you think it's your
decision. Controlling people treat
your friends with disrespect, but
when alone with you, they never
say a bad word about those
friends, but rather is kind, loving,
and complimentary to you about
them – it makes you believe your
family or friends are simply
jealous, don't understand him, etc.
You forget his nastiness to their
faces because he's nice behind
their backs. When you find
yourself telling your mom or
sister, "But, you don't know him
like I do," that's a bad sign. It's
much easier to for him control you
when you've decided your loved
ones just don't understand your
mate, and soon, you have no one
but him to turn to.
9. Recognize excessive
jealousy or possessiveness as
a danger signal. If your partner
is protective of you, that's sweet.
If she's bizarrely, overly
protective, it's scary. Consider
whether she constantly nags about
how long it takes you to make a
trip to the market or to the post
office. Does she randomly show up
at work or drive by to check on
you (particularly after a
disagreement)? Does she question
you too intensely about why you
were talking to another person?
Get angry about it? Disbelieve you
when you say that person is just a
friend or work colleague?
10. Watch for repeat offenses,
shallow apologies and
"courting" afterwards. He does
something that is totally
unacceptable then asks your
forgiveness, tells you he realizes
he was wrong, and promises to
change. He seems utterly sincere
and convincing – but it is part of
the control. It is a way to use your
compassion to keep you interested
– at this point he may even say he
wants your help to change,
particularly if you have let him
know that you will not tolerate
such things again. He will bring
you lavish gifts and attempt to
sweep you off your feet, again, re-
establishing his sincerity and your
belief that he truly loves you
(which he may, in a really toxic,
controlling way). Watch for the
bad behavior to resume as soon as
he believes he has you hooked and
complacent again.
11. Beware of the "backhanded
compliment". She will say
things like, "Gosh, it's a good
thing you're so
attractive" (implies that you are
stupid or incompetent) or "It's a
good thing you're with me – who
else could put up with
you?" (same). At first blush, it
seems sweet and funny. But she
will drill this idea into you over
and over – that you should
consider yourself very lucky to
have someone like her, who will
love you despite the fact that you
have no positive attributes,
talents, and apparently, the IQ of a
head of lettuce. Saying, "Nobody
will ever love you the way I do,"
seems sweet, but she wants you to
believe that nobody but her will
ever love you again, it fosters
utter dependence on her, and her
love. Over time, these ideas erode
your sense of confidence and you
will begin to believe you're
unworthy of better treatment, and
she's the best you can hope for.
12. Don't let every minor
disagreement become World
War III. You make a date with
him, warning him ahead of time
that you will need to leave by 7 to
have dinner with your brother. At
6:40, as you're getting up to leave,
he suddenly "remembers" some
urgent task he needs your help
with before you go. You remind
him that you really need to go. He
begins to argue, wail, accuse, rant,
rave, threaten to kill himself, and
do whatever it takes to keep you
from leaving. Hours later, you're
emotionally drained and
physically exhausted, and you find
he's turned the whole thing
around on you – you're begging
for forgiveness and a "chance to
make it up to him."
13. Stop berating yourself for
being into this person. Realize
that she's amazing – on the
surface – and you shouldn't beat
yourself up for being attracted to
that. These people are often an
odd mix of very high intellect or
talent, coupled with low self-
esteem (although they often seem
confident to the point of arrogance
– a mask for their internal lack of
true confidence). Controlling,
manipulative people are not able
to just let things happen naturally
– she must control things or, in
her mind, things will "get away"
from her – so she's compelled by
her inner horrors to make sure
she's the one pulling all the
strings. But what makes it most
awful is that she's probably
beautiful (you thought so, right?)
and smart, and maybe even funny
and charming. It's no wonder you
fell for her.
14. Assess whether the
relationship is worth saving.
All of the above are warning signs
that you are involved with a
controlling person who's likely to
be manipulating you. Does that
mean the relationship should end?
Not always. Try talking about it
with your partner, show him or
her this article, or get into couples
therapy. If you recognize any or all
of these signs, there's a chance
that now that you can identify and
articulate your problems, you may
be able to work through them. Be
objective, though – if talking,
working it through, or going to
counseling fails to get your
partner to stop these behaviors,
there may be no choice but to part
ways, even if you still love him or
her.
15. Accept the end and get out
as fast as you can. Assuming
that your significant other has
resisted changing his or her
behavior and, despite your best
efforts to work things out so that
you are not being controlled so
much, s/he persists in the
controlling, manipulative
behaviors, you will have to accept
reality. Once you've recognized
this emotional abuse for what it is,
you will likely tire of it quickly
and want to leave, despite your
lingering feelings for this person.
Be careful. Controlling,
manipulative individuals will want
to control you, even if they don't
care about the relationship any
more. The old saying "S/he
doesn't want me, but doesn't want
me to be with anyone else, either,"
was invented for this type of
person. You deserve to be with
someone who respects you and
can maintain a healthy
relationship. This just isn't it.
Take steps to end it swiftly and
leave – now.
16. Go out with your friends,
your family, and alone. Re-
establish ties with all those things
and people you left behind while
your judgment was clouded.
Tips
* Do recognize that almost
everyone is capable of some
manipulative or controlling
behaviors from time to time – we
all want to get our way or win the
argument. But when you begin to
recognize more than a few of the
above warning signs, it's time to
take a closer look at your
relationship and decide whether
it's truly an equal partnership.
* Don't blow off the opinions of
your friends and family; they do
have your best interests in mind.
One person can be ignored – many
cannot. Do they tell you you're
acting strange lately? Do they
comment on how different you
seem – and not in a good way?
Has anyone you love and respect
expressed actual dislike for your
partner? Ask yourself, "Is my (for
example) mum right about every
other thing, but wrong about this
ONE thing – the new gf/bf?" And
if more than one close family
member or friend is expressing
dislike of the new guy/gal, give
more weight to the negative
opinions.
* Key to this entire discussion is
the recognition that the
establishment of control is subtle,
and often occurs over time. The
entire purpose of the article is to
help you examine your
relationship for the warning signs
and to (A) either seek help and or
validate your sense of things not
being right, and help you be
comfortable with your decision to
leave – without manipulation or
control from your partner.
* Controlling persons often
check out of the relationship
before you do, S/he may become
detached and apathetic toward
you. But unless s/he is the one to
end this relationship, even though
it is obvious s/he is interested in
someone else, or at least looking
with interest at others, s/he will
freak out if you are the one to
leave, and spend hours berating
you for your thoughtless
abandonment. Just so you know.
* Don't be mean about it. You
don't have to be like him/her to
get away. Just say it's not a match
and you don't intend to continue
the relationship. Period. Don't try
pointing out all of the above
warning signs. This type of person
won't recognize him or herself. It's
like trying to teach a pig to sing –
it wastes your time and makes the
pig bitter.
* Confess to your friends and
family – apologize to them for
marginalizing them and
disregarding their bad opinion of
this person. Tell them you wish
you had listened to them. Get all
the anger and hurt out of your
system – they will be only too
happy to share (they will rejoice
when you tell them it's over).
* Resist the temptation to be
bitter about the experience.
You've just survived a very tough
situation and lived to tell the tale!
Warnings
* Severely controlling and
manipulative people are often
produced by external factors such
as abusive parents or clinical
mental disorders. You cannot
hope to change or rescue such a
person, as much as you may care
for them; the best help you can
give them is to (A) refuse to be
their victim, and (B) direct them
to professional help.
* The likelihood of stalking and
violent behaviors developing in
this type of person is higher than
in others, both for you and any
supporters you might have. If you
feel you're being stalked, notify
authorities and take steps to make
yourself safe (travel with others,
stay with friends or family, avoid
places you frequented together,
get a restraining order).
person in your life has developed,
you find your old friends falling
away, while family members
remark on how you don't seem
like yourself. Are you losing
yourself to an odd, and ultimately
destructive, relationship? Before
you can regain your individuality
and strength, you'll need to
determine if the relationship is
taking something away, and, if so,
put an end to the destructive cycle.
For the purposes of the article,
we'll alternate between male and
female gender examples ("him" in
one step, "her" in the next). While
the steps are directed towards
romantic relationships, they do
apply to any kind of relationship.
Steps
1. Evaluate honestly: Is this
relationship healthy, or is it
unhealthy? Be objective as you
analyze how things have changed
since this relationship began:
* Are you enjoying elevated
esteem from your friends &
family, or are they looking at you
sideways? Are your family
relationships suddenly filled with
tension, every time your partner's
name comes up? While stressed
relationships with others aren't a
sure sign of an unhealthy romance,
red flags should go up if everyone
who cares about you is getting
worried or is being pushed away.
* Do you find yourself
straying from your path? Are you
doing things you wouldn't
ordinarily do (like drinking or
drugs)? Are you obsessing about
activities that require you to be
alone (any time you can't be with
your love)? Have all the goals and
activities that previously defined
you suddenly been pushed to the
back burner for no reason other
than that your love is not into
them? Deferring your future (that
means quitting school or blowing
off a good job so you can spend
more time together) is a sign you
are becoming unhealthily
dependent on this person (usually
a result of being systematically
isolated from family and friends
from before you got involved).
* Does this person bring out
your best, or worst traits? Do you
feed each others' best self, or have
you seen your attitudes change to
more closely mirror your
partner's, which puts off your
family and friends?
2. Recognize your blindness to
your partner's faults.
Infatuation isn't necessarily a bad
thing. In fact, in can be necessary
and good; however, it does make
one "temporarily insane" for the
first part of a relationship.
Sometimes our starry-eyed
affection can make us willfully
close our eyes to warning signals,
even though we really kind of
know that our friends and family
have a point when they say they
don't like this or that about the
significant other. Ask yourself: Do
you find yourself apologizing or
defending your significant other's
behavior? Finding reasons to
excuse it? "Oh, he went through a
terrible relationship before and
has some issues… you can
understand…" If you find yourself
getting defensive when someone
questions your relationship,
you're probably already aware
that there is a problem and
haven't yet come to terms with it.
Remember that people in healthy
relationships have nothing to hide
or defend. In fact, when a
relationship is healthy, your
friends and family are normally
going to recognize that this person
makes you very happy, brings out
the best in you, and they will
rejoice with the two of you.
3. Notice if your plans are
continually overturned in
favor of hers. You go to pick her
up, thinking you're going to see
"The Wizard of Oz" at the art
theater. But by the time you're
halfway through dinner (at the
other end of town, her restaurant
selection), she has talked you into
seeing "The Fast & The Furious"
at the theater next door to the
restaurant she chose, instead.
More and more, you realize that
you're not keeping any of the
dates you chose. Instead, you're
always changing plans to do what
she wants. And heaven help you if
you planned to have dinner with
friends of yours at 7pm. She won't
get into the shower until 6:50, so
you'll be calling to apologize, and
inconveniencing everyone as you
all wait for her. Because it's
always about her.
4. Remember that
manipulation is when your
partner gets you to do
something you really wish
you hadn't. This person likes
getting you outside your comfort
zone, because then he is pulling
the strings, getting one over on
you.
5. Watch for efforts to exert
financial control. A controlling
partner may take over financial
decisions, whether he earns more
or less than you. If you earn less,
he may require you to ask
permission to buy things,
seriously restricting even rare
personal purchases, or may
demand a long and/or emotional
discussion of even trivial
expenses. If you earn more, be
wary of joint credit card accounts
– BOTH people are legally
responsible for paying, even if
only one of them incurred the
debt; some controlling people will
use a joint credit card account,
max the card, and then leave you
with the bill.
6. Look for subtle
establishment of control over
time. It doesn't happen obviously,
suddenly, or overnight.
Controlling, manipulative people
are often very insecure. That's why
they have the compulsion to
control others – they simply don't
trust anyone but themselves. They
will invest weeks or months in
'training' you to accept and carry
out their will:
* Does she treat your friends
and family disrespectfully?
Rudely?
* Are you realizing it's just
become easier not to spend time
with people you've loved for years,
rather than to make apologies or
excuses for her lateness, or her
rudeness?
* Have all of your past
attachments to people and places
been replaced by either old friends
of your new love, or new friends
you've made since you've been
together? Severing your ties to the
familiar stability of the world you
have always known means he has
just made himself the center of
your universe, and now has no
competition for your attention.
7. Watch out for subtle
discrepancies. When talking
with mutual friends, have they
ever said something about your
new girlfriend that made you stop
and say, "Huh? But she said
something different to me… You
can't have understood that right."
Did you then dismiss the idea that
what your friends heard could
have actually been true? That's a
big red flag. When you're being
controlled or manipulated, it's
usually through half-truths or
omissions, not outright lies.
There's just enough weirdness to
make you stop and think, but not
quite enough to get you to re-
evaluate the entire relationship. If
this happens more than once,
STOP and remind yourself that
this isn't the first time you've had
this reaction. Start analyzing
discrepancies between what she
said, and what your friends say. It
may save you from disaster later.
8. Keep your support system.
Cutting you off from your support
systems helps him gain dominance
over you – and you think it's your
decision. Controlling people treat
your friends with disrespect, but
when alone with you, they never
say a bad word about those
friends, but rather is kind, loving,
and complimentary to you about
them – it makes you believe your
family or friends are simply
jealous, don't understand him, etc.
You forget his nastiness to their
faces because he's nice behind
their backs. When you find
yourself telling your mom or
sister, "But, you don't know him
like I do," that's a bad sign. It's
much easier to for him control you
when you've decided your loved
ones just don't understand your
mate, and soon, you have no one
but him to turn to.
9. Recognize excessive
jealousy or possessiveness as
a danger signal. If your partner
is protective of you, that's sweet.
If she's bizarrely, overly
protective, it's scary. Consider
whether she constantly nags about
how long it takes you to make a
trip to the market or to the post
office. Does she randomly show up
at work or drive by to check on
you (particularly after a
disagreement)? Does she question
you too intensely about why you
were talking to another person?
Get angry about it? Disbelieve you
when you say that person is just a
friend or work colleague?
10. Watch for repeat offenses,
shallow apologies and
"courting" afterwards. He does
something that is totally
unacceptable then asks your
forgiveness, tells you he realizes
he was wrong, and promises to
change. He seems utterly sincere
and convincing – but it is part of
the control. It is a way to use your
compassion to keep you interested
– at this point he may even say he
wants your help to change,
particularly if you have let him
know that you will not tolerate
such things again. He will bring
you lavish gifts and attempt to
sweep you off your feet, again, re-
establishing his sincerity and your
belief that he truly loves you
(which he may, in a really toxic,
controlling way). Watch for the
bad behavior to resume as soon as
he believes he has you hooked and
complacent again.
11. Beware of the "backhanded
compliment". She will say
things like, "Gosh, it's a good
thing you're so
attractive" (implies that you are
stupid or incompetent) or "It's a
good thing you're with me – who
else could put up with
you?" (same). At first blush, it
seems sweet and funny. But she
will drill this idea into you over
and over – that you should
consider yourself very lucky to
have someone like her, who will
love you despite the fact that you
have no positive attributes,
talents, and apparently, the IQ of a
head of lettuce. Saying, "Nobody
will ever love you the way I do,"
seems sweet, but she wants you to
believe that nobody but her will
ever love you again, it fosters
utter dependence on her, and her
love. Over time, these ideas erode
your sense of confidence and you
will begin to believe you're
unworthy of better treatment, and
she's the best you can hope for.
12. Don't let every minor
disagreement become World
War III. You make a date with
him, warning him ahead of time
that you will need to leave by 7 to
have dinner with your brother. At
6:40, as you're getting up to leave,
he suddenly "remembers" some
urgent task he needs your help
with before you go. You remind
him that you really need to go. He
begins to argue, wail, accuse, rant,
rave, threaten to kill himself, and
do whatever it takes to keep you
from leaving. Hours later, you're
emotionally drained and
physically exhausted, and you find
he's turned the whole thing
around on you – you're begging
for forgiveness and a "chance to
make it up to him."
13. Stop berating yourself for
being into this person. Realize
that she's amazing – on the
surface – and you shouldn't beat
yourself up for being attracted to
that. These people are often an
odd mix of very high intellect or
talent, coupled with low self-
esteem (although they often seem
confident to the point of arrogance
– a mask for their internal lack of
true confidence). Controlling,
manipulative people are not able
to just let things happen naturally
– she must control things or, in
her mind, things will "get away"
from her – so she's compelled by
her inner horrors to make sure
she's the one pulling all the
strings. But what makes it most
awful is that she's probably
beautiful (you thought so, right?)
and smart, and maybe even funny
and charming. It's no wonder you
fell for her.
14. Assess whether the
relationship is worth saving.
All of the above are warning signs
that you are involved with a
controlling person who's likely to
be manipulating you. Does that
mean the relationship should end?
Not always. Try talking about it
with your partner, show him or
her this article, or get into couples
therapy. If you recognize any or all
of these signs, there's a chance
that now that you can identify and
articulate your problems, you may
be able to work through them. Be
objective, though – if talking,
working it through, or going to
counseling fails to get your
partner to stop these behaviors,
there may be no choice but to part
ways, even if you still love him or
her.
15. Accept the end and get out
as fast as you can. Assuming
that your significant other has
resisted changing his or her
behavior and, despite your best
efforts to work things out so that
you are not being controlled so
much, s/he persists in the
controlling, manipulative
behaviors, you will have to accept
reality. Once you've recognized
this emotional abuse for what it is,
you will likely tire of it quickly
and want to leave, despite your
lingering feelings for this person.
Be careful. Controlling,
manipulative individuals will want
to control you, even if they don't
care about the relationship any
more. The old saying "S/he
doesn't want me, but doesn't want
me to be with anyone else, either,"
was invented for this type of
person. You deserve to be with
someone who respects you and
can maintain a healthy
relationship. This just isn't it.
Take steps to end it swiftly and
leave – now.
16. Go out with your friends,
your family, and alone. Re-
establish ties with all those things
and people you left behind while
your judgment was clouded.
Tips
* Do recognize that almost
everyone is capable of some
manipulative or controlling
behaviors from time to time – we
all want to get our way or win the
argument. But when you begin to
recognize more than a few of the
above warning signs, it's time to
take a closer look at your
relationship and decide whether
it's truly an equal partnership.
* Don't blow off the opinions of
your friends and family; they do
have your best interests in mind.
One person can be ignored – many
cannot. Do they tell you you're
acting strange lately? Do they
comment on how different you
seem – and not in a good way?
Has anyone you love and respect
expressed actual dislike for your
partner? Ask yourself, "Is my (for
example) mum right about every
other thing, but wrong about this
ONE thing – the new gf/bf?" And
if more than one close family
member or friend is expressing
dislike of the new guy/gal, give
more weight to the negative
opinions.
* Key to this entire discussion is
the recognition that the
establishment of control is subtle,
and often occurs over time. The
entire purpose of the article is to
help you examine your
relationship for the warning signs
and to (A) either seek help and or
validate your sense of things not
being right, and help you be
comfortable with your decision to
leave – without manipulation or
control from your partner.
* Controlling persons often
check out of the relationship
before you do, S/he may become
detached and apathetic toward
you. But unless s/he is the one to
end this relationship, even though
it is obvious s/he is interested in
someone else, or at least looking
with interest at others, s/he will
freak out if you are the one to
leave, and spend hours berating
you for your thoughtless
abandonment. Just so you know.
* Don't be mean about it. You
don't have to be like him/her to
get away. Just say it's not a match
and you don't intend to continue
the relationship. Period. Don't try
pointing out all of the above
warning signs. This type of person
won't recognize him or herself. It's
like trying to teach a pig to sing –
it wastes your time and makes the
pig bitter.
* Confess to your friends and
family – apologize to them for
marginalizing them and
disregarding their bad opinion of
this person. Tell them you wish
you had listened to them. Get all
the anger and hurt out of your
system – they will be only too
happy to share (they will rejoice
when you tell them it's over).
* Resist the temptation to be
bitter about the experience.
You've just survived a very tough
situation and lived to tell the tale!
Warnings
* Severely controlling and
manipulative people are often
produced by external factors such
as abusive parents or clinical
mental disorders. You cannot
hope to change or rescue such a
person, as much as you may care
for them; the best help you can
give them is to (A) refuse to be
their victim, and (B) direct them
to professional help.
* The likelihood of stalking and
violent behaviors developing in
this type of person is higher than
in others, both for you and any
supporters you might have. If you
feel you're being stalked, notify
authorities and take steps to make
yourself safe (travel with others,
stay with friends or family, avoid
places you frequented together,
get a restraining order).
Comments