This exercise gives you a chance to see
the strengths of your marriage by
comparing yourselves to other couples
in your lives.
1. Each of you jot down the names of
four different couples you both know.
Two should be examples of "bad"
marriages; two of "good" marriages.
2. Now share the names with one
another and tell why you feel the good
marriages work and the bad marriages
don't. Perhaps you admire how one
couple is raising their children, or you
disapprove of the way another couple
berates one another in front of
company.
3. Talk about your own marriage in
relation to these good and bad
marriages. Compare the way you and
your spouse manage to get through
difficult times with the way each of
these couples handle their challenges.
Can you identify behaviors you want to
avoid? Are there things you'd like to
emulate?
4. Talk about your own ability as a
couple to overcome hardship. Have you
weathered episodes or incidents of
which you're particularly proud? If so,
how did you do it?
REPAIRING THE DAMAGE
Fortunately, in most relationships,
there are ways of fixing things. I call
these "repair mechanisms." Often, they
are needed most when people are
frustrated and angry, so they are said
with some irritation or hurt, or even
accompanied by an insult or threat. But
they are repair mechanisms
nonetheless.
Happily married couples use certain
phrases and actions during an argument
that prevent negativity from spiraling
out of control. In effect, these
conciliatory gestures act as a glue that
helps to hold the marriage together
during tense times.
1. Try to make comments about the
communication process itself, such as
"Please let me finish," or "We're getting
off the topic," or "That hurt my
feelings."
2. Comment on what's happening while
it's taking place, not afterward.
3. Remind your partner that you admire
and empathize with them despite the
conflict.
4. Use phrases such as "Yes, I see," "Uh
huh," or "Go on." These are little
psychological strokes at which stable
couples are masters.
www.josiahdele.blogspot.com
the strengths of your marriage by
comparing yourselves to other couples
in your lives.
1. Each of you jot down the names of
four different couples you both know.
Two should be examples of "bad"
marriages; two of "good" marriages.
2. Now share the names with one
another and tell why you feel the good
marriages work and the bad marriages
don't. Perhaps you admire how one
couple is raising their children, or you
disapprove of the way another couple
berates one another in front of
company.
3. Talk about your own marriage in
relation to these good and bad
marriages. Compare the way you and
your spouse manage to get through
difficult times with the way each of
these couples handle their challenges.
Can you identify behaviors you want to
avoid? Are there things you'd like to
emulate?
4. Talk about your own ability as a
couple to overcome hardship. Have you
weathered episodes or incidents of
which you're particularly proud? If so,
how did you do it?
REPAIRING THE DAMAGE
Fortunately, in most relationships,
there are ways of fixing things. I call
these "repair mechanisms." Often, they
are needed most when people are
frustrated and angry, so they are said
with some irritation or hurt, or even
accompanied by an insult or threat. But
they are repair mechanisms
nonetheless.
Happily married couples use certain
phrases and actions during an argument
that prevent negativity from spiraling
out of control. In effect, these
conciliatory gestures act as a glue that
helps to hold the marriage together
during tense times.
1. Try to make comments about the
communication process itself, such as
"Please let me finish," or "We're getting
off the topic," or "That hurt my
feelings."
2. Comment on what's happening while
it's taking place, not afterward.
3. Remind your partner that you admire
and empathize with them despite the
conflict.
4. Use phrases such as "Yes, I see," "Uh
huh," or "Go on." These are little
psychological strokes at which stable
couples are masters.
www.josiahdele.blogspot.com
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