Fib. Half-truth. Fable.
Fabrication. Prevarication.
Figment. Inexactitude.
Disinformation. Fiction. Truth
evasion. No matter how you say it,
a lie is a lie—but is it ever okay in
a relationship?
We've all heard the saying that
"little white lies don't hurt
anybody" or its ever-popular
variant, "What people don't know
can't hurt them," but when it
comes to matters of the heart,
nothing could be more untrue.
There's often a fine line between
tact and raw truth, but to err on
the side of lie is to choose fiction
over fact and shortchange the
bond you share with the one you
love.
In the world of romance, there are
two types of lies: those that are
told to avoid the emergence of
uncomfortable emotions in others
that the liar could be held
responsible for, and those wielded
to manipulate others to get ahead
or get away with something. In
either case, the motivation to lie
comes from a very self-centered
place—a liar lies for himself or
herself. Even during those times
when the issue seems small, when,
for instance she may ask, "Honey,
do I look fat in these pants?" and
when he may furrow his brown
and ask, "Is that a new pair of
shoes?" there is an opportunity
for the respondent to flat-out lie
to save face, or to address the
situation with truth, albeit
tactfully.
By replying, "Those pants look
okay, but you know what really
makes you shine is this pair of
pants over here…" and "Yes, they
are new. I got them on sale—do
you like them?" the pillar of trust
remains intact and the lines of
communication remain open for
further discussion. Sure, there
might be temporary
uncomfortable emotions that arise
in the moment, but they may
signal bigger issues that need
honest discussion.
For instance, if your partner has
packed on weight and is sensitive
about it, what he or she is looking
for is reassurance that you still
find them attractive, and likewise,
if someone is engaging in a little
bit too much "retail therapy" at
the detriment of a shared financial
budget, boundaries and limits
need to be established that will
satisfy both partners. Burying
these seemingly small issues
contributes to a larger practice of
making it okay to sidestep the
truth in other areas down the
road.
The Role of Good Counsel in
Love
When we need guidance, we want
the truth. Our closest friends are
who we go to for advice and that is
because they tell us the truth
tempered with emotional comfort,
but an even closer bond is shared
with your partner. In a healthy
relationship a partner serves the
role of a trusted sounding board
and confidante who knows his or
her partner on very intimate
levels that are not shared with
even the best of friends. This type
of bond is forged with the kind of
unconditional acceptance upon
which most families are built.
The truth may not always be
pretty and may not always be
painless to bring out into the light,
but honesty is the cornerstone of
these relationships. It facilitates
the best communication possible
between two partners in both
good times and bad that will help
them sail through the different
stages and unexpected changes in
their lives. Dishonesty, on the
other hand, serves as a weapon of
separation in relationships. What
liars do not realize is that
dishonest behavior not only
injects distance in their
relationships, but it also puts
distance between who they really
are and who they are pretending
to be.
Over time, even the smallest of
lies can generalize into larger
ones, and at that point a liar may
be unable to distinguish the real
and usually selfish motivations
from the blanket excuses that he
or she uses to justify dishonest
behavior. Statements like "I'm
only lying to protect my partner,"
or "She'd be really upset if she
knew, so . . . " are cop-outs that
serve the liar more than their
partner, and speaks to a general
lack of respect for the other
person. In a healthy relationship,
though, there are no lies and
secrets that cannot be overcome
when brought to the light. Guilt,
shame and blame are the slow
poisons to a relationship's death.
By getting these types of buried
emotions out in open and truly
working through them, a couple
progresses through life together
with a type of strength and unity
that denial and rules-based
boundaries about what can and
cannot be talked about can never
touch.
So in the end, whether you choose
to employ honesty or dishonesty
all depends on what you want for
yourself and how you want to
share your life with your partner.
Temporary emotional comfort in a
potentially volatile situation can
seem desirable in the moment, but
at the sake of the kind of solid
long-term comfort that comes
with one partner knowing that the
other is always up front and
honest with them, you may want
to opt for tact, the whole truth,
and nothing but love and respect.
Fabrication. Prevarication.
Figment. Inexactitude.
Disinformation. Fiction. Truth
evasion. No matter how you say it,
a lie is a lie—but is it ever okay in
a relationship?
We've all heard the saying that
"little white lies don't hurt
anybody" or its ever-popular
variant, "What people don't know
can't hurt them," but when it
comes to matters of the heart,
nothing could be more untrue.
There's often a fine line between
tact and raw truth, but to err on
the side of lie is to choose fiction
over fact and shortchange the
bond you share with the one you
love.
In the world of romance, there are
two types of lies: those that are
told to avoid the emergence of
uncomfortable emotions in others
that the liar could be held
responsible for, and those wielded
to manipulate others to get ahead
or get away with something. In
either case, the motivation to lie
comes from a very self-centered
place—a liar lies for himself or
herself. Even during those times
when the issue seems small, when,
for instance she may ask, "Honey,
do I look fat in these pants?" and
when he may furrow his brown
and ask, "Is that a new pair of
shoes?" there is an opportunity
for the respondent to flat-out lie
to save face, or to address the
situation with truth, albeit
tactfully.
By replying, "Those pants look
okay, but you know what really
makes you shine is this pair of
pants over here…" and "Yes, they
are new. I got them on sale—do
you like them?" the pillar of trust
remains intact and the lines of
communication remain open for
further discussion. Sure, there
might be temporary
uncomfortable emotions that arise
in the moment, but they may
signal bigger issues that need
honest discussion.
For instance, if your partner has
packed on weight and is sensitive
about it, what he or she is looking
for is reassurance that you still
find them attractive, and likewise,
if someone is engaging in a little
bit too much "retail therapy" at
the detriment of a shared financial
budget, boundaries and limits
need to be established that will
satisfy both partners. Burying
these seemingly small issues
contributes to a larger practice of
making it okay to sidestep the
truth in other areas down the
road.
The Role of Good Counsel in
Love
When we need guidance, we want
the truth. Our closest friends are
who we go to for advice and that is
because they tell us the truth
tempered with emotional comfort,
but an even closer bond is shared
with your partner. In a healthy
relationship a partner serves the
role of a trusted sounding board
and confidante who knows his or
her partner on very intimate
levels that are not shared with
even the best of friends. This type
of bond is forged with the kind of
unconditional acceptance upon
which most families are built.
The truth may not always be
pretty and may not always be
painless to bring out into the light,
but honesty is the cornerstone of
these relationships. It facilitates
the best communication possible
between two partners in both
good times and bad that will help
them sail through the different
stages and unexpected changes in
their lives. Dishonesty, on the
other hand, serves as a weapon of
separation in relationships. What
liars do not realize is that
dishonest behavior not only
injects distance in their
relationships, but it also puts
distance between who they really
are and who they are pretending
to be.
Over time, even the smallest of
lies can generalize into larger
ones, and at that point a liar may
be unable to distinguish the real
and usually selfish motivations
from the blanket excuses that he
or she uses to justify dishonest
behavior. Statements like "I'm
only lying to protect my partner,"
or "She'd be really upset if she
knew, so . . . " are cop-outs that
serve the liar more than their
partner, and speaks to a general
lack of respect for the other
person. In a healthy relationship,
though, there are no lies and
secrets that cannot be overcome
when brought to the light. Guilt,
shame and blame are the slow
poisons to a relationship's death.
By getting these types of buried
emotions out in open and truly
working through them, a couple
progresses through life together
with a type of strength and unity
that denial and rules-based
boundaries about what can and
cannot be talked about can never
touch.
So in the end, whether you choose
to employ honesty or dishonesty
all depends on what you want for
yourself and how you want to
share your life with your partner.
Temporary emotional comfort in a
potentially volatile situation can
seem desirable in the moment, but
at the sake of the kind of solid
long-term comfort that comes
with one partner knowing that the
other is always up front and
honest with them, you may want
to opt for tact, the whole truth,
and nothing but love and respect.
Comments