Fifty years or more ago, "parenting
styles" were hardly a topic of
conversation, let alone all of the articles
and books written on the subject. It was
simply expected that you raise your
children the same way your parents
raised you, and the way their parents
raised them.
Not a lot of thought was given to "What
kind of parent do I want to be? What
parenting style fits our lifestyle and
family?" But as our society has become
more psychologically and socially aware,
we are more conscious of how particular
methods may affect children.
Additionally, our cultural conversation
now frequently turns to parenting styles
and how they affects the big picture.
There are many different parenting styles.
You'll likely find that you are a blend of a
couple of them. Some parents are strict
and rigid, others very lenient and laissez-
faire, and some fall somewhere in the
middle. It's important not to go to the
extreme in one direction or the other.
That creates an out-of-balance situation
within the family.
And remember as you explore different
parenting styles: it's important that you
find the style that works best not just for
you, but for your family as well.
4 Types Of Parenting Styles
1. Strict Parenting
Often referred to as an "authoritarian" or
"dictator" style, strict parenting is
characterized by many hard-and-fast
rules. The parent is clearly the head of
household and tends to command respect
in all circumstances. There are clear
limits and consequences for pushing
them, which are enforced firmly.
One of the beneficial things about this
parenting style is that everyone has a
clear role and understands the limits,
leaving little in question. The negative
thing about this parenting style is that the
parent may function as a brick wall, with
little room for change or growth for
family members.
This parenting style runs of the risk of
alienating the child later in life, either
through the residual anger or resentment,
a strong-willed personality, or a more
sensitive child whose needs are not
recognized.
2. Lenient Parenting
This is sometimes referred to as
"permissive parenting". These parents
don't expect or demand a lot from their
children, and tend to provide little in the
way of discipline. The rules are very
flexible and tend to not be well-defined.
These parents often say they want their
children to grow up to "make their own
decisions, rather than be told what to do."
The positive thing about this parenting
style is that the wants of the children are
usually made known, and a lot of
attention is paid to their psychological
well being. The negative side to this
parenting style is that the child may have
little self-discipline and poor motivation,
and the parent does not provide enough
guidance and structure.
A family that is too lenient may become
uninvolved or neglectful.
3. Helicopter Parenting
These parents hover over their children,
anxious and concerned. They have
difficulty letting their child grow up or
assume increasing responsibility. These
parents obsess over every issue their
child may have, and must be right in the
middle or close by every activity their
child is involved in. The parents may
overindulge their child with attention and
material things.
These parents often want to continue to
help their child with decisions even after
the child has become an adult, say, by
choosing their college courses for them or
going on a job interview with them (yes,
this actually happens!).
4. Secure Parenting
Then there is the middle ground
parenting style, which is often called
"authoritative" (as opposed to
authoritarian) parenting. I like to call it
the "secure parenting" style.
This method provides structure,
expectations and rules, but also maintains
flexibility and respect for the child as an
individual. The parent provides guidance,
rather than demands. Discipline tends to
be more growth and learning focused,
rather than punitive. The rules are clear,
but simple and few. Consequences for
breaking rules are consistent with the
misdeed.
The child's needs and wants are balanced
with the needs of the family. The child's
personal space is respected, yet he is
reminded that he is also part of the family
and must sometimes participate as a
whole. From a young age, he is allowed to
make simple choices and decisions, and
then given increased responsibility as
well as more privileges. The aim is for the
child to be relatively self-sufficient by the
time he graduates high school, or at least
able to make sound decisions on his own.
I firmly believe that the Secure style is
the most effective parenting style. It
requires mature, stable adults to be
raising the child. A good parent is
empathetic and patient, as well as
consistent and dependable. A good parent
wants to raise a child to become
independent, responsible and thoughtful.
This may require that you examine your
own childhood and the methods and
styles your parents used. What did they
do well? What would you change about
their parenting style? Is there anything
they really "messed up" on? If there is
some trauma in your past or difficulty in
your family of origin relationships, I
strongly suggest that you seek out
psychotherapy to help work through
these issues, so they will be less likely to
negatively affect your own parenting.
If you are planning to have children in the
near future, or are a new parent, discuss
these parenting styles with your partner.
It is important that the two of you
understand the areas of parenting where
you disagree, and come to some type of
consensus or compromise. Defining
yourself as a parent is a crucial step in
raising a child.
How you raise your child should not be
an afterthought; it is one of the most
important things you will ever do.
Defining and refining your parenting style
will be time and energy spent that will
pay off in the long run and in the life of
your child.
styles" were hardly a topic of
conversation, let alone all of the articles
and books written on the subject. It was
simply expected that you raise your
children the same way your parents
raised you, and the way their parents
raised them.
Not a lot of thought was given to "What
kind of parent do I want to be? What
parenting style fits our lifestyle and
family?" But as our society has become
more psychologically and socially aware,
we are more conscious of how particular
methods may affect children.
Additionally, our cultural conversation
now frequently turns to parenting styles
and how they affects the big picture.
There are many different parenting styles.
You'll likely find that you are a blend of a
couple of them. Some parents are strict
and rigid, others very lenient and laissez-
faire, and some fall somewhere in the
middle. It's important not to go to the
extreme in one direction or the other.
That creates an out-of-balance situation
within the family.
And remember as you explore different
parenting styles: it's important that you
find the style that works best not just for
you, but for your family as well.
4 Types Of Parenting Styles
1. Strict Parenting
Often referred to as an "authoritarian" or
"dictator" style, strict parenting is
characterized by many hard-and-fast
rules. The parent is clearly the head of
household and tends to command respect
in all circumstances. There are clear
limits and consequences for pushing
them, which are enforced firmly.
One of the beneficial things about this
parenting style is that everyone has a
clear role and understands the limits,
leaving little in question. The negative
thing about this parenting style is that the
parent may function as a brick wall, with
little room for change or growth for
family members.
This parenting style runs of the risk of
alienating the child later in life, either
through the residual anger or resentment,
a strong-willed personality, or a more
sensitive child whose needs are not
recognized.
2. Lenient Parenting
This is sometimes referred to as
"permissive parenting". These parents
don't expect or demand a lot from their
children, and tend to provide little in the
way of discipline. The rules are very
flexible and tend to not be well-defined.
These parents often say they want their
children to grow up to "make their own
decisions, rather than be told what to do."
The positive thing about this parenting
style is that the wants of the children are
usually made known, and a lot of
attention is paid to their psychological
well being. The negative side to this
parenting style is that the child may have
little self-discipline and poor motivation,
and the parent does not provide enough
guidance and structure.
A family that is too lenient may become
uninvolved or neglectful.
3. Helicopter Parenting
These parents hover over their children,
anxious and concerned. They have
difficulty letting their child grow up or
assume increasing responsibility. These
parents obsess over every issue their
child may have, and must be right in the
middle or close by every activity their
child is involved in. The parents may
overindulge their child with attention and
material things.
These parents often want to continue to
help their child with decisions even after
the child has become an adult, say, by
choosing their college courses for them or
going on a job interview with them (yes,
this actually happens!).
4. Secure Parenting
Then there is the middle ground
parenting style, which is often called
"authoritative" (as opposed to
authoritarian) parenting. I like to call it
the "secure parenting" style.
This method provides structure,
expectations and rules, but also maintains
flexibility and respect for the child as an
individual. The parent provides guidance,
rather than demands. Discipline tends to
be more growth and learning focused,
rather than punitive. The rules are clear,
but simple and few. Consequences for
breaking rules are consistent with the
misdeed.
The child's needs and wants are balanced
with the needs of the family. The child's
personal space is respected, yet he is
reminded that he is also part of the family
and must sometimes participate as a
whole. From a young age, he is allowed to
make simple choices and decisions, and
then given increased responsibility as
well as more privileges. The aim is for the
child to be relatively self-sufficient by the
time he graduates high school, or at least
able to make sound decisions on his own.
I firmly believe that the Secure style is
the most effective parenting style. It
requires mature, stable adults to be
raising the child. A good parent is
empathetic and patient, as well as
consistent and dependable. A good parent
wants to raise a child to become
independent, responsible and thoughtful.
This may require that you examine your
own childhood and the methods and
styles your parents used. What did they
do well? What would you change about
their parenting style? Is there anything
they really "messed up" on? If there is
some trauma in your past or difficulty in
your family of origin relationships, I
strongly suggest that you seek out
psychotherapy to help work through
these issues, so they will be less likely to
negatively affect your own parenting.
If you are planning to have children in the
near future, or are a new parent, discuss
these parenting styles with your partner.
It is important that the two of you
understand the areas of parenting where
you disagree, and come to some type of
consensus or compromise. Defining
yourself as a parent is a crucial step in
raising a child.
How you raise your child should not be
an afterthought; it is one of the most
important things you will ever do.
Defining and refining your parenting style
will be time and energy spent that will
pay off in the long run and in the life of
your child.
Comments