o Cross-Complaining. You meet your
partner's complaint (or criticism) with
an immediate complaint of your own,
totally ignoring what your partner has
said.
o Repeating Yourself. Rather than
attempting to understand the spouse's
point of view, couples who specialize in
this technique simply repeat their own
position to each other again and again.
Both think they are right and that trying
to understand the other's perspective is
a waste of time.
The first step toward breaking out of
defensiveness is to no longer see your
partner's words as an attack but as
information that is being strongly
expressed. Try to understand and
empathize with your partner. This is
admittedly hard to do when you feel
under siege, but it is possible and its
effects are miraculous. If you are
genuinely open and receptive when your
partner is expecting a defensive
response, he or she is less likely to
criticize you or react contemptuously
when disagreements arise.
THE FOURTH HORSEMAN:
STONEWALLING
Exhausted and overwhelmed by
Pamela's attacks, Eric eventually
stopped responding, even defensively, to
her accusations. Their marriage went
from being marred by poor
communication to being virtually
destroyed by none. Once Eric stopped
listening to Pamela, their relationship
became extraordinarily difficult to
repair. Instead of arguing about specific
issues, every confrontation degenerated
into Pamela screaming at Eric that he
was shutting her out: "You never say
anything. You just sit there. It's like
talking to a brick wall."
Stonewalling often happens while a
couple is in the process of talking things
out. The stonewaller just removes
himself by turning into a stone wall.
Usually someone who is listening reacts
to what the speaker is saying, looks at
the speaker, and says things like "Uh
huh" or "Hmmm" to indicate he is
tracking. But the stonewaller abandons
these messages, replacing them with
stony silence.
Stonewallers do not seem to realize that
it is a very powerful act: It conveys
disapproval, icy distance, and smugness.
It is very upsetting to speak to a
stonewalling listener. This is especially
true when a man stonewalls a woman.
Most men don't get physiologically
aroused when their wives stonewall
them, but wives' heart rates go up
dramatically when their husbands
stonewall them.
The fourth horseman need not mark the
end of a relationship. But if your
interactions have deteriorated to this
extent you are at great risk of
catapulting even farther down the
marital cascade--becoming so
overwhelmed by the negativity in your
relationship that you end up divorced,
separated, or living lonely, parallel lives
in the same home. Once the fourth
horseman becomes a regular resident, it
takes a good deal of hard work and soul-
searching to save the marriage.
The four horsemen are not the end of
the line. It is only after they turn a
relationship sour that the ultimate
danger arises: Partners seize on
powerful thoughts and beliefs about
their spouse that cement their
negativity. Only if these inner thoughts
go unchallenged are you likely to topple
down the final marital cascade, one that
leads to distance and isolation.
However, if you learn to recognize what
is happening to your once-happy
marriage, you can still develop the tools
you need to regain control of it.
Excerpted from Why Marriages Succeed
or Fail by John Gottman, Ph.D., with
Nan Silver. Copyright (C) 1994 by John
Gottman. Reprinted by permission of
Simon & Schuster.
www.josiahdele.blogspot.com
partner's complaint (or criticism) with
an immediate complaint of your own,
totally ignoring what your partner has
said.
o Repeating Yourself. Rather than
attempting to understand the spouse's
point of view, couples who specialize in
this technique simply repeat their own
position to each other again and again.
Both think they are right and that trying
to understand the other's perspective is
a waste of time.
The first step toward breaking out of
defensiveness is to no longer see your
partner's words as an attack but as
information that is being strongly
expressed. Try to understand and
empathize with your partner. This is
admittedly hard to do when you feel
under siege, but it is possible and its
effects are miraculous. If you are
genuinely open and receptive when your
partner is expecting a defensive
response, he or she is less likely to
criticize you or react contemptuously
when disagreements arise.
THE FOURTH HORSEMAN:
STONEWALLING
Exhausted and overwhelmed by
Pamela's attacks, Eric eventually
stopped responding, even defensively, to
her accusations. Their marriage went
from being marred by poor
communication to being virtually
destroyed by none. Once Eric stopped
listening to Pamela, their relationship
became extraordinarily difficult to
repair. Instead of arguing about specific
issues, every confrontation degenerated
into Pamela screaming at Eric that he
was shutting her out: "You never say
anything. You just sit there. It's like
talking to a brick wall."
Stonewalling often happens while a
couple is in the process of talking things
out. The stonewaller just removes
himself by turning into a stone wall.
Usually someone who is listening reacts
to what the speaker is saying, looks at
the speaker, and says things like "Uh
huh" or "Hmmm" to indicate he is
tracking. But the stonewaller abandons
these messages, replacing them with
stony silence.
Stonewallers do not seem to realize that
it is a very powerful act: It conveys
disapproval, icy distance, and smugness.
It is very upsetting to speak to a
stonewalling listener. This is especially
true when a man stonewalls a woman.
Most men don't get physiologically
aroused when their wives stonewall
them, but wives' heart rates go up
dramatically when their husbands
stonewall them.
The fourth horseman need not mark the
end of a relationship. But if your
interactions have deteriorated to this
extent you are at great risk of
catapulting even farther down the
marital cascade--becoming so
overwhelmed by the negativity in your
relationship that you end up divorced,
separated, or living lonely, parallel lives
in the same home. Once the fourth
horseman becomes a regular resident, it
takes a good deal of hard work and soul-
searching to save the marriage.
The four horsemen are not the end of
the line. It is only after they turn a
relationship sour that the ultimate
danger arises: Partners seize on
powerful thoughts and beliefs about
their spouse that cement their
negativity. Only if these inner thoughts
go unchallenged are you likely to topple
down the final marital cascade, one that
leads to distance and isolation.
However, if you learn to recognize what
is happening to your once-happy
marriage, you can still develop the tools
you need to regain control of it.
Excerpted from Why Marriages Succeed
or Fail by John Gottman, Ph.D., with
Nan Silver. Copyright (C) 1994 by John
Gottman. Reprinted by permission of
Simon & Schuster.
www.josiahdele.blogspot.com
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