Every person comes into relationships
with some sort of expectations.
Expectations around how they want to be
loved. Expectations around how
frequently they will communicate with
each other. Expectations around what
their sex lives will look like.
Truly, the potential number of
expectations is endless.
There are reasonable expectations, and
unreasonable expectations when it comes
to relationships (and what is reasonable
for one couple might be different for
another).
Examples of reasonable expectations
would be:
I expect my partner to remain faithful to
me, since we agreed to a monogamous
partnership.
I expect my partner to not physically
strike me in any context, unless it has
been mutually agreed upon in a sexual
play scenario.
I expect my partner to voice any concerns
they have when it comes to the emotional
health and overall connection in our
relationship.
As for unreasonable expectations … I
have heard hundreds, if not thousands, of
unreasonable relationship expectations
over the years as a relationship coach.
Some more subtle than others, and some
painfully overt.
Unreasonable expectations block
intimacy. By consciously or unconsciously
writing up a laundry list of what your
partner should be and how they should
behave in order to make you happy, you
set the relationship up to fail. This is
especially true when those relationship
expectations are nearly impossible for
any person to fulfill.
Here are the three most damaging and
widespread expectations that kill
relationships.
1. "If they really loved me they
would know what I needed."
People are not mind readers. No one can
know what you want from them in every
moment without you expressing your
desires. When you withhold your needs
or desires from your partner you are
abandoning yourself.
If you want to be in a highly functioning
relationship, learn to communicate your
personal desires. Some people think that
it's easy to tell their partner what they
want … but it's often not. It can be the
most terrifying thing in the world to tell
someone (that you care so deeply about)
the truth of what you're feeling … or be
the one to initiate sex after a week-long
dry spell.
And if it feels too scary to tell them what
you want … start by telling them where
you're at.
If you want to ask for something new or
different in bed but you're nervous to
bring it up, you could start by saying "I
want to ask you for something right now,
but I'm feeling really nervous about it …
and it might be silly once it comes out,
but I'm still worried about what you'll
think of me for wanting it."
Communicate your honest desires. Be as
forthcoming as possible. And if you're
nervous or apprehensive for any reason,
simply tell them where you're at.
2. "I should love my partner
unconditionally."
No, you absolutely should not. Healthy
love between consenting intimate
partners is not unconditional.
While you should absolutely make a
concerted effort to have a deep and
resilient love for your intimate partner,
there are certain conditions that, if
broken, are going to have an impact on
your love for them (or on the relationship
itself).
Maybe they hit you. Maybe they have
come home drunk every night for weeks
on end, and it's affecting the relationship.
Maybe they haven't said a word to you in
over a week, despite living together.
Would your love not become conditional
if any of these were to occur?
Healthy love is conditional. If you are
expecting reasonable things to be
occurring ("treating me like a king/queen
every single day" doesn't count) and they
aren't occurring, that can be grounds for
the love/relationship to end.
3. "It shouldn't take work."
I hear this one quite often just because of
what my line of work is … but I've heard
it from clients, non-clients, friends, family
members and people from all walks of
life.
There's this romantic notion that if a
relationship is destined to work out, then
it should work out … with no effort or
intentionality from the partners involved.
It should function on autopilot. It should
be effortless. And there should never be
anything that feels like "work."
Every couple that I know that have an
abnormally high functioning relationship
all put in the work.
They are brilliantly effective
communicators, because they have read
books, attended seminars and put in the
work in order to find out how their
partner uniquely needs to be
communicated to/with. They have
sizzling sex lives, because they have put in
the time to get to know their bodies and
their own unique turn-ons. They go on
week long re-connecting vacations in
order to explore each other's bodies and
talk about their dreams for the future.
Whenever a conflict arises between them,
either subtly or obviously, they tackle it
head on and see if they can come to an
amicable solution that sees both of their
emotional needs being met. Whatever
comes up as a problem for them, they
have a mutually agreed-upon pact that it
won't stay a problem for long.
The bottom line is … people in high
functioning relationships put in the work.
And it pays off.
All relationships are for healing. And
yours is no different.
So, if you think that the idea of scheduling
date nights in your calendar is
unromantic, then you might want to
question that belief and ask if it's serving
you and your relationship.
An intentional love life is a thriving love
life. If you ignore the little things, your
relationship will eventually suffer. If you
prioritize the little things, your
relationship will eventually thrive.
Your committed intimacy is either
stagnating or deepening. There is no
middle ground.
with some sort of expectations.
Expectations around how they want to be
loved. Expectations around how
frequently they will communicate with
each other. Expectations around what
their sex lives will look like.
Truly, the potential number of
expectations is endless.
There are reasonable expectations, and
unreasonable expectations when it comes
to relationships (and what is reasonable
for one couple might be different for
another).
Examples of reasonable expectations
would be:
I expect my partner to remain faithful to
me, since we agreed to a monogamous
partnership.
I expect my partner to not physically
strike me in any context, unless it has
been mutually agreed upon in a sexual
play scenario.
I expect my partner to voice any concerns
they have when it comes to the emotional
health and overall connection in our
relationship.
As for unreasonable expectations … I
have heard hundreds, if not thousands, of
unreasonable relationship expectations
over the years as a relationship coach.
Some more subtle than others, and some
painfully overt.
Unreasonable expectations block
intimacy. By consciously or unconsciously
writing up a laundry list of what your
partner should be and how they should
behave in order to make you happy, you
set the relationship up to fail. This is
especially true when those relationship
expectations are nearly impossible for
any person to fulfill.
Here are the three most damaging and
widespread expectations that kill
relationships.
1. "If they really loved me they
would know what I needed."
People are not mind readers. No one can
know what you want from them in every
moment without you expressing your
desires. When you withhold your needs
or desires from your partner you are
abandoning yourself.
If you want to be in a highly functioning
relationship, learn to communicate your
personal desires. Some people think that
it's easy to tell their partner what they
want … but it's often not. It can be the
most terrifying thing in the world to tell
someone (that you care so deeply about)
the truth of what you're feeling … or be
the one to initiate sex after a week-long
dry spell.
And if it feels too scary to tell them what
you want … start by telling them where
you're at.
If you want to ask for something new or
different in bed but you're nervous to
bring it up, you could start by saying "I
want to ask you for something right now,
but I'm feeling really nervous about it …
and it might be silly once it comes out,
but I'm still worried about what you'll
think of me for wanting it."
Communicate your honest desires. Be as
forthcoming as possible. And if you're
nervous or apprehensive for any reason,
simply tell them where you're at.
2. "I should love my partner
unconditionally."
No, you absolutely should not. Healthy
love between consenting intimate
partners is not unconditional.
While you should absolutely make a
concerted effort to have a deep and
resilient love for your intimate partner,
there are certain conditions that, if
broken, are going to have an impact on
your love for them (or on the relationship
itself).
Maybe they hit you. Maybe they have
come home drunk every night for weeks
on end, and it's affecting the relationship.
Maybe they haven't said a word to you in
over a week, despite living together.
Would your love not become conditional
if any of these were to occur?
Healthy love is conditional. If you are
expecting reasonable things to be
occurring ("treating me like a king/queen
every single day" doesn't count) and they
aren't occurring, that can be grounds for
the love/relationship to end.
3. "It shouldn't take work."
I hear this one quite often just because of
what my line of work is … but I've heard
it from clients, non-clients, friends, family
members and people from all walks of
life.
There's this romantic notion that if a
relationship is destined to work out, then
it should work out … with no effort or
intentionality from the partners involved.
It should function on autopilot. It should
be effortless. And there should never be
anything that feels like "work."
Every couple that I know that have an
abnormally high functioning relationship
all put in the work.
They are brilliantly effective
communicators, because they have read
books, attended seminars and put in the
work in order to find out how their
partner uniquely needs to be
communicated to/with. They have
sizzling sex lives, because they have put in
the time to get to know their bodies and
their own unique turn-ons. They go on
week long re-connecting vacations in
order to explore each other's bodies and
talk about their dreams for the future.
Whenever a conflict arises between them,
either subtly or obviously, they tackle it
head on and see if they can come to an
amicable solution that sees both of their
emotional needs being met. Whatever
comes up as a problem for them, they
have a mutually agreed-upon pact that it
won't stay a problem for long.
The bottom line is … people in high
functioning relationships put in the work.
And it pays off.
All relationships are for healing. And
yours is no different.
So, if you think that the idea of scheduling
date nights in your calendar is
unromantic, then you might want to
question that belief and ask if it's serving
you and your relationship.
An intentional love life is a thriving love
life. If you ignore the little things, your
relationship will eventually suffer. If you
prioritize the little things, your
relationship will eventually thrive.
Your committed intimacy is either
stagnating or deepening. There is no
middle ground.
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