It is the uncomfortable question
that your close friends and family
usually will have no problem
answering: "Why does he stay
with her when it's obvious they
aren't happy?"
That's because they know you
better than you know yourself —
and your psyche is a master of
disguise and camouflage,
deflecting the kind of self-scrutiny
you need to break free of the
gravitational pull of a dead-end
relationship. To help you uncover
your own excuses and blind spots,
here are six common reasons men
stay stuck when they want to (and
need to) move on:
1. Inertia. When stripped of its
scientific veneer, this fancy word
simply means: laziness. Or apathy,
if you prefer. Technically, inertia
is the state of motion — or lack
thereof — that Newton described
in his first law: all other influences
being equal, an object (man) is
either at rest (on the couch after a
long day) or moves with a
constant velocity (goes through
the motions) unless acted on by an
external force.
The problem is, the force required
to start over isn't external at all —
it comes from within. This
involves deciding what you can
and can't live with, setting
boundaries and defending them. It
means breaking habits that have
kept you frozen in place too long.
All of that adds up to work,
compared to the relative ease of
just making do. If you've been
settling for second best, accept
that it will cost you some effort to
change that fact.
2. Fear of conflict. Few things in
life are more conflict-filled — and
painful and tumultuous — than
breaking up with someone you've
been dating for a while. Usually,
the longer you've been with
someone, the more conflicted the
process is. It is a sad reality that
many men (and women) stay in
unfulfilling relationships month
after month, year after year,
because they fear the pain
involved in breaking up and
moving on. There are lots of
reasons to stay in a relationship,
but fear of conflict is not one of
them.
3. Fear of change. No one
enjoys throwing their lives into
chaos and uncertainty. But the
truth is, nothing ever stands still
— not galaxies or mountains or
seasons. The "status quo" as a
tenable way of life is a fiction that
always sets us at odds with the
way the world really works. And it
is a lousy foundation for a
romantic relationship. Don't let
the anxiety that comes with
change keep you from moving on
when you know it is time.
4. Fear of dating. For most men,
dating is stressful, especially if
they have been off the market for
a while. Sure, it can be exciting to
meet new people, but dating also
means putting yourself at the
mercy of a stranger's expectations
— and running the risk that she
won't meet yours either. Playing
out the possible scenarios in your
head is often frightening enough
to convince you to stay put rather
than step out.
True, when dating, anything can
happen — but that includes the
possibility of finding the
relationship that is right for you.
You'll never know unless you find
the courage to try.
5. Fear of being alone. If you
decide to leave a less-than-
fulfilling relationship, then having
a less-than-thrilling new dating
experience is not the only possible
outcome. For a period of time at
least, you may simply be on your
own. For some men that may
sound like a welcome respite —
but many are frightened at the
prospect of going back to evenings
alone in front of the TV. Spending
time with the wrong person can
seem preferable to having no one
to spend time with at all.
There may be a season of solitude
ahead when you choose to make a
romantic change. Do it anyway,
and believe that's not the end of
the road.
6. Secret payoffs. Sadly, some
men will stay in an unhealthy
relationship because they derive
hidden emotional or psychological
benefit by doing so. Perhaps you
enjoy playing a caretaker role
with her or being a martyr. Maybe
you don't believe you deserve
better. If you want to move on but
can never seem to take the
necessary steps, examine what you
secretly stand to lose.
Only you can know for sure when
it is time to change romantic
course and start over. If you've
arrived there, don't let inertia or
fear keep you from moving on to
better prospects.
Guys, have you ever stayed in
the wrong relationship for too
long? What was your reason?
that your close friends and family
usually will have no problem
answering: "Why does he stay
with her when it's obvious they
aren't happy?"
That's because they know you
better than you know yourself —
and your psyche is a master of
disguise and camouflage,
deflecting the kind of self-scrutiny
you need to break free of the
gravitational pull of a dead-end
relationship. To help you uncover
your own excuses and blind spots,
here are six common reasons men
stay stuck when they want to (and
need to) move on:
1. Inertia. When stripped of its
scientific veneer, this fancy word
simply means: laziness. Or apathy,
if you prefer. Technically, inertia
is the state of motion — or lack
thereof — that Newton described
in his first law: all other influences
being equal, an object (man) is
either at rest (on the couch after a
long day) or moves with a
constant velocity (goes through
the motions) unless acted on by an
external force.
The problem is, the force required
to start over isn't external at all —
it comes from within. This
involves deciding what you can
and can't live with, setting
boundaries and defending them. It
means breaking habits that have
kept you frozen in place too long.
All of that adds up to work,
compared to the relative ease of
just making do. If you've been
settling for second best, accept
that it will cost you some effort to
change that fact.
2. Fear of conflict. Few things in
life are more conflict-filled — and
painful and tumultuous — than
breaking up with someone you've
been dating for a while. Usually,
the longer you've been with
someone, the more conflicted the
process is. It is a sad reality that
many men (and women) stay in
unfulfilling relationships month
after month, year after year,
because they fear the pain
involved in breaking up and
moving on. There are lots of
reasons to stay in a relationship,
but fear of conflict is not one of
them.
3. Fear of change. No one
enjoys throwing their lives into
chaos and uncertainty. But the
truth is, nothing ever stands still
— not galaxies or mountains or
seasons. The "status quo" as a
tenable way of life is a fiction that
always sets us at odds with the
way the world really works. And it
is a lousy foundation for a
romantic relationship. Don't let
the anxiety that comes with
change keep you from moving on
when you know it is time.
4. Fear of dating. For most men,
dating is stressful, especially if
they have been off the market for
a while. Sure, it can be exciting to
meet new people, but dating also
means putting yourself at the
mercy of a stranger's expectations
— and running the risk that she
won't meet yours either. Playing
out the possible scenarios in your
head is often frightening enough
to convince you to stay put rather
than step out.
True, when dating, anything can
happen — but that includes the
possibility of finding the
relationship that is right for you.
You'll never know unless you find
the courage to try.
5. Fear of being alone. If you
decide to leave a less-than-
fulfilling relationship, then having
a less-than-thrilling new dating
experience is not the only possible
outcome. For a period of time at
least, you may simply be on your
own. For some men that may
sound like a welcome respite —
but many are frightened at the
prospect of going back to evenings
alone in front of the TV. Spending
time with the wrong person can
seem preferable to having no one
to spend time with at all.
There may be a season of solitude
ahead when you choose to make a
romantic change. Do it anyway,
and believe that's not the end of
the road.
6. Secret payoffs. Sadly, some
men will stay in an unhealthy
relationship because they derive
hidden emotional or psychological
benefit by doing so. Perhaps you
enjoy playing a caretaker role
with her or being a martyr. Maybe
you don't believe you deserve
better. If you want to move on but
can never seem to take the
necessary steps, examine what you
secretly stand to lose.
Only you can know for sure when
it is time to change romantic
course and start over. If you've
arrived there, don't let inertia or
fear keep you from moving on to
better prospects.
Guys, have you ever stayed in
the wrong relationship for too
long? What was your reason?
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