man, he is bound to do something that
makes you feel weird, uncomfortable, or
just plain angry. But you'll probably feel
like you don't want to rock the boat with
him.
So you'll stuff down your feelings and
pretend everything's okay. You act like
nothing's wrong, because you believe
you need to "go with the flow" or he'll
think you're high maintenance and lose
interest.
But not letting him know how you feel
actually prevents you from connecting
with him at a deeper level. Conflict is
actually an opportunity to get closer to
him and build a relationship. When you
express your feelings, he gets to see who
you really are. It shows that you trust
him to reveal something difficult, and it
gives him the chance to make things
better. In turn, he'll start to feel safe
with you and let you in on what he's
feeling, too. This is where understanding
and acceptance start to happen, and
these are the seeds for the romance of a
lifetime. But the key is to express your
feelings in a non-blaming, non-judging
way. These examples show you how.
WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY THAT HE'S
LATE
He said he'd meet at a certain time, but
now you're all dressed up waiting,fiddling with your phone, and worried you'll miss the start of the show. When he finally shows up in a rush and wanting to kiss you, you want to hit him.
He can sense it, and now the whole
evening feels tense.
If this is the first time it has happened
and he is sincerely sorry about it, let it
go. But if it's a recurring thing, you need
to talk with him about it. Your impulse
might be to tell him that it's inconsiderate to keep people waiting, but
this will only create more distance with
him and won't inspire him to please you.
That's because all he'll hear is that he's
wrong, and it will sound as if you're preaching to him. Instead, say, "I really
feel angry when I have to wait, and I notice we're often late to things. What
do you think we could do that would work for both of us?" Now he sees you're unhappy, and he has an opening to make it up to you. If he doesn't come up with a compromise or he resists you, you're getting valuable insight into how he handles relationship conflict.
WHEN YOU'RE TIRED OF HEARING
ABOUT HIS EX
Sometimes a man will thoughtlessly
mention his ex, but when her name
keeps popping up in conversation, you're
right to feel upset. It could be a sign that
he's not over her or still living in the
past; or it could mean that he's doing it
because he's not sure how you feel about
him, and he wants to see your reaction.
So find out, and let him know it's not
okay with you when he mentions her.
Try, "I feel really uncomfortable when I
hear about other women, and I don't
want to take away from what I'm enjoying with you. Is there something I should know?" Remember, dating is a time to see whether or not you're on the same page with him. Use this as an opportunity to find out if she's still in his life and to let him know you won't settle for second best.
WHEN YOU'RE FRUSTRATED THAT
HE RARELY CALLS
Texting and emailing all the time but not
calling can mean he's either shy, not that invested in you, or simply clueless about how it's affecting you. But asking him, "Why don't you ever call me?" will instantly put him on the defensive and
won't motivate him to call you more. It
needs to come from him – he needs to
feel it's his choice to call. Otherwise he
feels forced, and this creates distance.
When he does call, say, "Oh, it feels so
good to hear your voice. I really love it
when you call me." Now, you're creating
a positive experience for him that will
actually inspire him to call you more.
Avoid the temptation to say, "I really
wish you'd call me more often," because
then you're back to blaming and making
him feel wrong. When you tell him instead that you miss him and you sound genuinely pleased when he calls, he'll want to keep calling. You'll have avoided that tense discussion, and you'll have brought him closer…which is what you really wanted to begin with.
When you share your feelings upfront
like this in a way that doesn't make him
wrong, you prevent resentment from
building up in you and exploding into
argument. He'll also recognize that with
you he doesn't have to guess what's going on, and that he has the ability to please you even though you might hit a bump in the road. The openness you show with your feelings will help you both navigate the inevitable ups and downs of any relationship…and become all the closer for it.
www.trueheart2love.diydating.com
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