somewhere. You thought this was the
real deal. Perhaps, you were even falling
in love.
And then it fell apart. You parted ways.
Now you are left picking up the pieces.
Sound familiar? We've all been there.
When our hearts have been broken, it
can seem unfathomable that we'll ever
reach out again. We don't want to risk
our hearts again. We are reluctant to
take that leap of faith again with
someone new.
But that's exactly what happens. Taking
that leap of faith is what we have to do if
we want to keep our hearts open and our
spirits alive. Read on for some vital
perspective on moving forward and
practical tips for loving again.
Consider the Alternative
Stop right now and think for a moment
about what it would be like to live a life
without love and companionship. This
isn't what you want, is it? Perhaps the
best reason to be willing to love again is
because doing so is obviously better than
not.
Think about people you know (or even
fictional characters) who have made the
choice to live like a self-protected island,
giving up love because of their fear. Fear
of making themselves vulnerable. Fear
of being hurt. Would a life like that be
truly satisfying to you? Even if you could
remain relatively content, would it be
the most fulfilling, meaningful life you
could lead? Most likely, it would be, at
best, a muted existence.
The point is that you could protect
yourself from future heartbreak-but at
what cost? By choosing not to love
again, you can avoid the acute pain
you're feeling right now; but you'll be left
with the ongoing pain of disconnection
and isolation.
Consider the Possibilities
You may have thought that the last
person was your destiny, but
clearly destiny has different and better
plans for you. It may be hard to imagine
right now but there's someone out there
who's even better for you.
Focus on the fact that perhaps this
relationship ended so that another one
can begin. One that will lead you to an
exciting and fulfilling future you couldn't
have had without experiencing this end.
And if you close yourself off and refuse
to risk again, you may end up missing
out on someone great. As with so much
in life, you will likely look back some day
and feel that there was a reason this
happened.
Consider your Growth
Don't discount how much you've learned
and grown as a result of the painful
moments you've been through in your
life. You're now a wiser and ultimately
stronger person than you were before
you experienced this difficult time. And
that means that you now have more to
contribute to a new relationship, and
that you can be an even better partner to
the right person.
How to Trust Again
So clearly, there are plenty of good
reasons to be willing to love and trust
again. But that doesn't mean that it's
easy to do. For many people who have
been hurt in a past relationship, the
question is not why it's good to be open
to love again, but how to get themselves
to do so.
If this is where you are, then here are
some suggestions that might make it
less scary as you think about putting
yourself back out there.
1. Give yourself time to Heal.
Before immediately jumping back into
another serious relationship, give
yourself time to deal with what you've
been through. It takes hard work to
come through a painful breakup in an
honest and authentic way, and the last
thing you want to do is to short-circuit
that growth process by instantly
entering another serious romance.
Instead, give yourself permission to date
casually, enjoying your time with new
and different people and learning to just
have fun with people you find
interesting.
2. Let your trust be Earned.
Then, once you do find someone you
might be interested in going deeper
with, be patient with yourself in terms of
how quickly you open up to this new
person in your life. There's no reason
you have to go from zero to sixty in a
new relationship.
Take your time and offer yourself slowly,
watching for how the person responds.
Show a few smaller parts of yourself in
the beginning; then, if this new person
responds in a way that makes you feel
safe, try offering a bit more. Over time,
then, if you continue to feel that you're
being honored and respected as you
make yourself increasingly vulnerable,
you can begin to open up more and
more, showing the larger and deeper
parts of who you are.
3. Tell your Story.
Once you've found someone you're
interested in opening yourself up to,
then make sure you two communicate
about your fears and concerns. It can be
very healthy to openly discuss your
reluctance to make yourself vulnerable
again. It can also create a sense of
connectedness between two people,
which can of course lead to more trust
and caring. You might even find that the
person you are sharing your experiences
with has a similar story.
In addition, keep in mind that it's not
fair to the new person to bring the
baggage from your earlier relationship
into the new one. Perhaps we can't avoid
doing this to at least some extent, but as
much as possible, keep reminding
yourself that this is a completely
different person. Do your best to see
with "now" eyes, rather than viewing
everything through lenses colored by
your past experiences.
Remember, we're not saying that any of
this is easy. Love can lead to some of the
most intense pain that any of us ever
experience. But as you know, it can also
be the greatest thing in the world. We
are resilient and adaptable and hopeful.
We know that with dating as with life
there are going to be endings that bring
new beginnings.
www.trueheart2love.diydating.com
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