I've found that there are five distinct and unique ways of flirting: Playful, Physical, Polite, Sincere, and Traditional. We are all a combination of the five styles, but we
have one or two dominant flirting styles.
What does this mean for your love life?
A lot, it turns out. How you flirt influences the way you communicate attraction, the kind of person you attract, your relationship success, and how long a relationship you typically have. (If you want to know your flirting style, you can take the quiz online.)
Did you know that over 90% of people
have missed an opportunity by not
recognising when someone else was
flirting with them, and 90% of people
have had their attempt at flirting
mistaken for friendliness?
Miscommunication is probably the most
challenging part of flirting. Knowing
your flirting style will help you flirt
smarter and be able to recognize when
someone else is flirting with you. And,
you guessed it—the switch plays a key
role in this!
The above quotes come from real people
I interviewed while writing The Five
Flirting Styles. During my interviews, I
realized they were describing an internal
button of sorts that helped frame
relationships and interactions, but didn't
have a name. I decided to call it "The
Switch" and I found it so fascinating and
such a crucial piece of the flirting puzzle
that I dedicated a whole chapter to it in
the book. The idea of the switch
immediately resonated with each person
I interviewed. Once they saw how the
switch influenced their dating lives, they
learned how to turn it off and turn it on
to flirt more effectively. My hope is that
after reading this, you'll be able to do the
same!
What is The Switch?
The switch is an internal on or off button
that fundamentally changes our
communication and perception of
attraction. By turning the switch on, you
send a clearer message when you flirt
and make your internal radar more
sensitive to when others might be
flirting with you.
Let's say you are having a conversation
with someone you might be interested in
dating. This could be a new
acquaintance, a coworker, an online
match, or a classmate. For some people,
no matter what takes place in the
conversation, they are interpreting it in
a nice-and-friendly sort of way. They are
framing the relationship neutrally.
These sorts of people are switched off,
and they miss opportunities all of the
time. They probably wouldn't think
flirting is happening even if the person
came right out and said, "I want to date
you."
Other people are constantly seeking out
and looking for clues of attraction. All of
the time. This is what it means to be
switched on. This means they are always
thinking about the conversation in terms
of attraction – whether sexual or
romantic. Their trouble isn't spotting
flirting when it is happening. Their
challenge is perceiving flirting when it's
not really happening. They often think
that someone else is interested in them,
and they flirt back mistakenly.
The switch is particularly important in
ambiguous situations. The thing that
makes flirting so difficult to interpret is
that it thrives on mystery. People want
to be ambiguous and indirect, play
games and play hard to get, all the while
hoping that their crush picks up on their
clues. If their crush is switched on, they
have a better chance of making
something happen. And if their crush is
switched off, this flirtation will go
nowhere.
When you are switched on, you are
strongly communicating and highly
receptive to messages of attraction,
particularly physical attraction. When
you are switched off, the signal you send
to others is that you are being nice or
friendly or just uninterested. And you
interpret others' messages in the same
way. In the book, I explain how your
switch can be changed. I won't go so far
as to say your switch can be turned off if
you are usually on or vice versa. You
might not be able to switch completely
on or off, but you can turn it up and put
a dimmer on it.
SWITCHING ON
Below is a list of tips and exercises that
can help you switch on.
1) Practice feeling interested.
There are a lot of people who think
flirting is a skill that you either have or
don't. The truth is that people who have
the most success in flirting also have
most of the failures. You've got to be
rejected to be accepted. Now, I'm not
going to throw you to the wolves and
just say, "Go do it." Instead, you need to
practice something much simpler: you
must practice feeling interested. You can
do this by accepting and being aware of
feeling attracted or interested in
someone and letting it affect how you
act. To practice this, let yourself feel
interested in someone you don't know
and probably won't see again. When you
interact with an attractive cashier,
waiter, or store clerk take a moment and
pause. Smile to yourself, and recognize
that you are attracted to them. Then, for
the rest of your meal, sale, or
interaction, keep that recognition in
your head. Embrace feeling interested.
2) Adopt an open mindset.
Accept the possibility that someone you
know is interested in you. Try imagining
they are really interested in you. Accept
that interest as if it were completely
true. Be open to it. The consequences of
this activity should be revelatory. How
does that knowledge change you? What
does it feel like to believe it? Once you
can convince yourself through imagining
their interest, you will be much more
alert to what it feels like when it actually
happens. It might have the happy
consequence of finding a partner whose
flirting style is more reserved, that is,
someone who is switched off.
3) Watch carefully.
Research tells us that men don't know
that they approach women who signal
them to come over. Women don't know
they are signaling the men who are
approaching them. There is an
established body of research that shows
that people are not aware of their own
nonverbal actions. To loosen your
switch, start being a people watcher.
Notice how women flirt with men. Notice
how men flirt with women. Watch
couples interact at a bar and try to guess
if they are on a first date or already in a
relationship.
Practice being more aware of flirting in
general. People who are switched off lack
awareness. They often complain that
they are oblivious to the interest of
others. By noticing it more in others, you
will be less oblivious when it happens to
you.
www.trueheart2love.diydating.com
have one or two dominant flirting styles.
What does this mean for your love life?
A lot, it turns out. How you flirt influences the way you communicate attraction, the kind of person you attract, your relationship success, and how long a relationship you typically have. (If you want to know your flirting style, you can take the quiz online.)
Did you know that over 90% of people
have missed an opportunity by not
recognising when someone else was
flirting with them, and 90% of people
have had their attempt at flirting
mistaken for friendliness?
Miscommunication is probably the most
challenging part of flirting. Knowing
your flirting style will help you flirt
smarter and be able to recognize when
someone else is flirting with you. And,
you guessed it—the switch plays a key
role in this!
The above quotes come from real people
I interviewed while writing The Five
Flirting Styles. During my interviews, I
realized they were describing an internal
button of sorts that helped frame
relationships and interactions, but didn't
have a name. I decided to call it "The
Switch" and I found it so fascinating and
such a crucial piece of the flirting puzzle
that I dedicated a whole chapter to it in
the book. The idea of the switch
immediately resonated with each person
I interviewed. Once they saw how the
switch influenced their dating lives, they
learned how to turn it off and turn it on
to flirt more effectively. My hope is that
after reading this, you'll be able to do the
same!
What is The Switch?
The switch is an internal on or off button
that fundamentally changes our
communication and perception of
attraction. By turning the switch on, you
send a clearer message when you flirt
and make your internal radar more
sensitive to when others might be
flirting with you.
Let's say you are having a conversation
with someone you might be interested in
dating. This could be a new
acquaintance, a coworker, an online
match, or a classmate. For some people,
no matter what takes place in the
conversation, they are interpreting it in
a nice-and-friendly sort of way. They are
framing the relationship neutrally.
These sorts of people are switched off,
and they miss opportunities all of the
time. They probably wouldn't think
flirting is happening even if the person
came right out and said, "I want to date
you."
Other people are constantly seeking out
and looking for clues of attraction. All of
the time. This is what it means to be
switched on. This means they are always
thinking about the conversation in terms
of attraction – whether sexual or
romantic. Their trouble isn't spotting
flirting when it is happening. Their
challenge is perceiving flirting when it's
not really happening. They often think
that someone else is interested in them,
and they flirt back mistakenly.
The switch is particularly important in
ambiguous situations. The thing that
makes flirting so difficult to interpret is
that it thrives on mystery. People want
to be ambiguous and indirect, play
games and play hard to get, all the while
hoping that their crush picks up on their
clues. If their crush is switched on, they
have a better chance of making
something happen. And if their crush is
switched off, this flirtation will go
nowhere.
When you are switched on, you are
strongly communicating and highly
receptive to messages of attraction,
particularly physical attraction. When
you are switched off, the signal you send
to others is that you are being nice or
friendly or just uninterested. And you
interpret others' messages in the same
way. In the book, I explain how your
switch can be changed. I won't go so far
as to say your switch can be turned off if
you are usually on or vice versa. You
might not be able to switch completely
on or off, but you can turn it up and put
a dimmer on it.
SWITCHING ON
Below is a list of tips and exercises that
can help you switch on.
1) Practice feeling interested.
There are a lot of people who think
flirting is a skill that you either have or
don't. The truth is that people who have
the most success in flirting also have
most of the failures. You've got to be
rejected to be accepted. Now, I'm not
going to throw you to the wolves and
just say, "Go do it." Instead, you need to
practice something much simpler: you
must practice feeling interested. You can
do this by accepting and being aware of
feeling attracted or interested in
someone and letting it affect how you
act. To practice this, let yourself feel
interested in someone you don't know
and probably won't see again. When you
interact with an attractive cashier,
waiter, or store clerk take a moment and
pause. Smile to yourself, and recognize
that you are attracted to them. Then, for
the rest of your meal, sale, or
interaction, keep that recognition in
your head. Embrace feeling interested.
2) Adopt an open mindset.
Accept the possibility that someone you
know is interested in you. Try imagining
they are really interested in you. Accept
that interest as if it were completely
true. Be open to it. The consequences of
this activity should be revelatory. How
does that knowledge change you? What
does it feel like to believe it? Once you
can convince yourself through imagining
their interest, you will be much more
alert to what it feels like when it actually
happens. It might have the happy
consequence of finding a partner whose
flirting style is more reserved, that is,
someone who is switched off.
3) Watch carefully.
Research tells us that men don't know
that they approach women who signal
them to come over. Women don't know
they are signaling the men who are
approaching them. There is an
established body of research that shows
that people are not aware of their own
nonverbal actions. To loosen your
switch, start being a people watcher.
Notice how women flirt with men. Notice
how men flirt with women. Watch
couples interact at a bar and try to guess
if they are on a first date or already in a
relationship.
Practice being more aware of flirting in
general. People who are switched off lack
awareness. They often complain that
they are oblivious to the interest of
others. By noticing it more in others, you
will be less oblivious when it happens to
you.
www.trueheart2love.diydating.com
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