By age 18, most of us have discovered
that relationships can be a source of great joy, satisfaction and meaning when our needs for love, affection and companionship are met. Or a source of
heartache and sorrow when they're not.
Few things in life are as uplifting as being in a loving relationship. Or as painful as losing someone we love.
Whether we lose them as the result of
death or a "living loss" like separation,
divorce, infidelity, alcohol, drug addiction, illness, injury or something else, moving on can present some daunting challenges. Facing these challenges, taking the necessary time to get our footing and opening the doors to finding love again is best achieved when we balance patience with courage.
Having coached countless hundreds of
clients seeking to find love after a loss,
there are some proven steps for regaining your strength, trust, faith,confidence and moving forward:
1. Take Small Steps
Above all else, be patient. Trying to get
back into "the game" by jumping back
into a relationship before your mind is
clear and heart is sufficiently healed is a
formula for disaster. Some of us can barely stand on our own two feet and
yet, we're looking for love (in all the wrong places) to fill the void. Men and
women who are lonely, impatient and
desperately afraid of being alone will
often take a leap of faith before they're
ready. They fall flat on their faces when
a "rebound" relationship fails. Getting
back into "game shape" for life and love
begins with putting your emotional
house in order. One small step at a time.
This means facing our fears, rather than
letting them run us, fending off feelings
of desperation and panic, allowing ourselves ample time to heal, finding
constructive ways to express the anger
and sorrow we may feel and keeping the
faith that we'll someday find love again. At the heart of all forward movement is good self-care.
2. Practice Self-Care
Learning to feel whole again, without a
partner, means getting back to basics. This requires taking exceptionally good care of and loving yourself. Your heart may have been shattered by a breakup, death – or some other kind of loss. You may even blame yourself. Now is a time to do those things that help settle and soothe your distressed heart. And to show up big… for yourself.
Start by listing all the things you can do
to take good care of yourself. Get out a
blank sheet of paper and write them
down. This might include simplifying
your daily schedule, enrolling the support of trusted family and friends,pampering yourself, lightening your work load and social schedule, exercising regularly, eating well, postponing or cancelling stressful meetings, getting into counseling, taking some time off,etc.. Learning to love and care for yourself and lightening your stress load are at the core of everything good that is to come.
3. Enroll the Support of "Energy Givers"
None of us get through tough times alone. We all need and deserve support of trusted family and friends. And yet, there's a temptation to crawl into a cave
with a stockpile of dark chocolate and
hide after a loss. Isolation is never an
effective strategy for moving forward. You need to be with good people. Hanging out with energy suckers, breakup groupies or even well-intending family members and/or friends who try to convince you the glass is "half full" and to "get out there!" is the last thing you want to do. Pressure
tactics, guilt and unsolicited advice are as unhelpful as they are unwelcome.
Learn to gently tell others you're doing
the best that you can and choose only
energy givers for your support team.
Explain in precise terms exactly what kind of support you need. And when. This will save you and your team a lot of unnecessary stress, wasted effort and aggravation down the road.
4. Go to Baggage Claim: Take Inventory of What's Yours Despite our most sincere and ambitious efforts to make a "fresh start" when we meet someone, we bring bits and pieces of the past into new
relationships. Unless, that is, we take
full responsibility for our part in past
failures. And work on making ourselves
more relationship proficient.
Clearing the path for a new relationship
means claiming your baggage. "This is
my pattern" is an honest declaration of
those things you say/do that will inhibit
or even kill intimacy if allowed to prevail. Owning up to the "young,"overly sensitive, insecure, possessive parts of yourself – and working on them is your best insurance for future success. Openly admitting there's a shy,fearful, awkward and vulnerable side to you allows you to break bad habits and shed old baggage. Acknowledging that your "Chooser" is making poor selections and recalibrating yourself for smarter,better choices is also a powerful step in the right direction. Re dedicate yourself to healthy, new behavior and relationships. And make it a priority to cultivate them.
5. Get an "Upgrade" on Your Coping Skills
It takes hard work, courage, faith, dedication and humility to move forward
after a loss. And to set the table for finding love again. Grief can be resistant
to everyday coping mechanisms like denial, avoidance, self-deception and
self-medicating. Getting ready to put
your heart back on the line and try your
hand at love again may require an
upgrade in your psychological software.
Learning to process (i.e. recognize, express and convert to positive action)
complex emotions like anger and sorrow,
acquiring the tools for clear communication and letting go of the
painful past all clear the path for new —
or a renewed sense of — intimacy, connection and companionship. Don't
let antiquated defense mechanisms like
withdrawing, avoiding, pouting, holding
grudges, emotional dishonesty, the silent treatment or using sarcasm block you from finding love again. Develop the healthy, proactive coping and communication skills that make relationships into the equivalent of an
open book test.
6. Cultivate Humility and Self-Compassion
Finding ourselves on our knees after a
loss is a humbling experience. We may
feel lost, broken, fearful, helpless or like
damaged merchandise. Or ashamed that
we're feeling so down in the dumps.
Those of us who tend to self-manage
with criticism when we're down may be
tempted to discredit, devalue, judge and
even bully ourselves. The more effective
approach is clearly to speak to yourself
in a patient, kind, gentle, loving, encouraging tone. Choosing the voice of
patience, support and encouragement
over that of shame, blame and harsh
criticism may take some practice. But it
will be worth it. Moving forward is not
something we can map out by reading a
book on resilience, forcing, pressuring or
fooling ourselves in to believing we're
ready for love — when we're not. Or by
snapping our fingers.
We must learn how to breathe, relax and
slow down: It takes as long as it takes to
heal. And to love again. Rediscovering
the path to love occurs one breath, one
step and one day at a time. We are all a
"work in progress." Leading with kindness and humility instead of fear
accelerates both the healing and learning process. And gets us ready to write new and exciting chapters in our lives.
7. Healing An Existing Relationship After a Loss
Some of us are struggling to keep our
heads above water in a relationship that
has suffered a betrayal, debilitating illness, injury, personal or financial
crisis or a death. We may feel like we're
dying, and battling terrible, insurmountable sorrow and despair, but
we're valiantly fighting to keep our hopes and relationships alive.
Summoning the strength, forgiveness,
trust, courage and humility to love again
can be a long and uneven road. We may
struggle to summon and gather the strength to reopen our hearts for business. To keep the faith. And fight
our way back into love. Some days are
better than others. We do the small
things that we think will help. But
healing a struggling relationship can be
like being on a roller coaster. Up one day
and down the next. Two steps forward
and one back.
Getting in game shape to love again
after a loss, providing the kind of care
and feeding that a new or existing
relationship needs to survive and/or
thrive requires great hope, patience and
hard work. It also helps to have a good
sense of humor. Finding love again may
be an uneven path, with moments of
helplessness, frustration and despair. Sadness, anger, fear, confusion and grief may present themselves as part of the healing process. But it is a path worth taking. The return to love is a return to life. To the beauty, mystery and mastery of being in a loving relationship. And to reaching for the highest and best in ourselves.
www.trueheart2love.diydating.com
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