someone with a big fat ego, you may worry that dumping him will leave him
shocked and devastated, with feelings of
worthlessness or even serious depression. You want out, but you don't want to hurt your partner! How do you break up with someone without harming his or her fragile self-esteem?
Be Decisive
If you aren't right for the company you
work for, would you rather be fired right
away or have your bosses keep you on
but constantly yell at you, withhold your
paychecks, and maybe even divert your
401(k) to another employee?
While breaking up can be awkward, if
you keep your boyfriend or girlfriend
around just because you dread the
breakup conversation, then you're just
going to wind up becoming bitter toward
this person for not taking the hint. She
might fool herself for quite a while that
the relationship is working because she's
blinded by love (or fear). But your desire
to be rid of the ol' ball and chain will
cause more fights and more damage to
her sense of self. It may even cause you
to start exploring other avenues of
dating before you've left your current
Lover's Lane, a situation that will be
especially devastating to her self-esteem
if she finds out.
If you're absolutely certain that you're
miserable in the relationship, don't drag
things out to the point where you've
beaten your partner's self-esteem into
the ground. Make up your mind that
breaking up is the right thing. Be polite
but resolute that things need to stop
here and now. It's far better for the other
person to have things end with a bang
than with death by a thousand cuts.
Don't Make Weak Excuses
A lot of times, our exit strategy from a
relationship is hard to explain in ways
that aren't hurtful. So we tell a big lie,
often a variation of "It's not you, it's
me." Or we may say vague things we
don't really mean, like, "I just don't want
to date somebody my own age" or, "I
need to take some time to think about
my path in life," because saying, "I'm
sick of your laziness!" is just too honest.
There's nothing wrong with being civil
during a breakup or even omitting
certain details that would be needlessly
cruel. But if you make a weak excuse,
something that's not definitive, your ex
might not believe the breakup is really
final. He may think he can win you back
by fixing something about himself, and
expend even more self-destructive
energy failing to win you over by
changing his hairstyle and music
collection. Or he may take your word
that you're "taking a break," and then
feel devastated when, after spending two
weeks thinking about your paths in life,
he spots you on a date with your tennis
instructor.
If you're breaking up and don't want to
crush the other person's self-esteem, it's
best to say something firm, something
that lets her know that it's over because
you're incompatible. It's okay to talk
about the fundamental differences
between the two of you: "You like to go
out and I like to stay in" or, "I need
somebody who thinks of her career the
same way I do." Let your partner know
that you don't believe this gap is
something she will be able to bridge so
that attempting to stay in more often or
to get a new job is no longer an option.
It's too late, you're leaving, but it's not
because she's a terrible person. It's just
because you have different goals and
needs.
Give Your Partner Space to Grieve
Many psychologists say that losing a
lover to a breakup is similar to losing her
to death. A person who was so integral
to us has been ripped away, never to
return, and it hurts in the way that
death hurts us. In some ways it's worse,
because when the person who breaks up
with us is always around, it's like being
haunted by a ghost of lost love.
If you break up with someone, you may
be shocked by how lonely you are at first
or by how much you miss the good
things about the person, even if you
don't miss the romance. But don't make
the mistake of constantly reconnecting
or trying to stay friends immediately
after a breakup. For sure, people who
once dated can become great friends, but
only if there's a period of time in which
they are allowed to heal and accept that
they now lead separate lives.
If you feel that you would like to stay
friends with your ex, it might be a good
idea to set boundaries, or at least a
schedule, immediately after the breakup
happens. Perhaps there's an upcoming
event, like a social gathering, where you
can agree to meet up and say hi,
preferably in a month or two. Until then,
refrain from phone calls, emails, IMs,
and walking near his or her work.
Of course, you can't stop a person from
calling or emailing you. And you
shouldn't feel like a shut-in who's not
allowed to go out because your ex is
everywhere you want to be! But keep as
much distance as rationality allows.
Screen your calls and set up your IM
program so that you don't show up as
online — that way your ex won't wonder
what you're doing online at 1 a.m. If you
must respond to emails, do so quickly
and politely in a way that lets your ex
know that you care, but that you are
maintaining distance — something as
simple as, "I'm doing well, keeping busy.
I'll say hi in two weeks at Jake's house."
That lets him know that you are maintaining distance without being rude
about it and doesn't ask him any questions that would invite a dialogue.
No Breakup Sex!
It almost goes without saying, but one of
the most harmful things you can do after
a breakup is to sleep with your ex. You
may find yourself comforted by
temporarily reconnecting with a partner.
You may even find him more attractive
now that you don't have to see his
baseball hat collection or pretend to
enjoy her cooking!
But resist that self-destructive urge. Sex
with an ex can loosen boundaries of all
kinds and possibly pull you back into the
relationship in some way. But for the
person who didn't get to make the
decision to break up, it promises on an
emotional level that some kind of
closeness still exists, closeness that
you're not really interested in having
anymore. So in its aftermath, the other
person may emotionally relive all the
horrors of the original breakup, leaving
her depressed a second time and really
hurting her self-esteem. In fact, it may
lead her to think that she's not worth
much as a human being if her body is
good enough for you but her soul isn't.
Sex with an ex is a bad idea all around,
so avoid it.
No matter how you handle it, breaking
up with someone will leave wounds. But
if you make the breakup a firm, one-time
thing and allow time to heal before
trying to be friends later, you'll affirm
your ex as a person, even if you reject
the potential for a relationship. And that
kind of respect and love (on a human
level) will minimize the chances of
bruising your partner's ego on the way
out the door.
www.trueheart2love.diydating.com
Comments