bound to encounter rejection. Whether
your online messages to dating
prospects go unanswered, you have a
great first date but never hear from the
person again, or you get dumped after
things were just starting to heat up, all
rejections have one thing in common —
they really hurt. What makes rejection
even more painful is that any effort to
understand what went wrong can easily
lead to bouts of self-criticism and self-
blaming.
Did they reject you because you're not
tall enough, smart enough, attractive
enough, rich enough, educated enough,
or hip enough? What was the reason?
Then you start to second guess
everything you did and said. You berate
yourself for disclosing your fascination
with sea urchins, for ordering noodle
soup and making slurping noises, or for
joking about how you got the scar on
your middle finger.
All this self-punishment makes you feel
utterly miserable and you wonder when
you became so weak, needy, or
desperate. You must be, otherwise you
wouldn't hurt so much, right? Wrong.
Here's why:
Recent studies placed people in fMRI
machines (scanners that look at what
happens in our brains when we're
thinking or doing something) and asked
them to think about a painful and recent
rejection. What they found was
shocking. The same pathways in the
brain became activated when people
experienced a rejection as when they
experienced physical pain. In fact, the
overlap was so substantial, that when
researchers gave people the pain reliever
Acetaminophen (Tylenol) and put them
through a rejection experience, they
reported feeling significantly less
emotional pain than those who did not
receive Tylenol. That's why rejections
hurt as much as they do, not because
there's anything wrong with you —
because you're simply wired that way.
Fortunately, there are three steps you
can take to ease the emotional pain
you're bound to feel after being rejected:
Argue with self-criticism. Although
it's natural to feel self-critical after a
rejection, there is little point in 'going
there'. Most rejections have much more
to do with compatibility and chemistry
than they do with any specific
shortcoming or flaw. Even if you seemed
to click with the other person, the reality
is, you just didn't click enough. And if
they felt insufficient compatibility, you
would likely have felt it yourself at some
point as well. Therefore, there is utterly
no point in trying to blame yourself or
any perceived flaw you might have.
Unless the person looked you in the eye
and said something specific such as,
"Sorry, I'm just not into dimples," chalk
it up to insufficient chemistry. And if
they give you the, "It's not you, it's me,"
speech — believe them. In fact, even if
they don't, assume it's them
nonetheless. It probably is anyway, and
your self-esteem will thank you for it.
Revive your self-esteem. Now that
you've given your self-worth a breather
from self-criticism, you need to help it
revive. The best way to revive your self-
esteem is to remind yourself of qualities
and attributes you possess that you
believe are valuable. Specifically, make a
list of qualities you have that are
important in dating and relationships
such as being loyal, caring, supportive,
considerate, a good listener, a great
cook, a good kisser, and as many others
as you can think of. Choose one of these
attributes and write a brief essay (a
paragraph or two) about why the quality
matters to you, why a future partner
would find it valuable, how you've
expressed it in past dating or
relationship scenarios, or how you would
do so in the future. Write one or two
essays a day until you feel better about
yourself. Keep in mind that for the
exercise to have the desired impact on
your self-esteem — you must write it out.
So don't skip that crucial step and do it
in your head — write.
Restore a sense of belonging. One of
the theories about why rejection causes
such sharp emotional pain is that in our
distant past, being ostracized from our
tribe was pretty much a death sentence.
Consequently, we developed a
mechanism to warn us of when we were
at danger for being ousted from our tribe
and as a result, we became exquisitely
sensitive to rejection. The legacy of
those tribal days is that even minor
rejections can destabilize our 'need to
belong', to feel as though we're accepted
and loved by our core group. To address
this often unconscious pang, reach out to
good friends or family members and try
to see them in person. Doing so will
remind you that you are a valued and
respected member of your 'tribe'.
Rejections are an
extremely
common
emotional 'injury'
and they always
hurt. But taking
these three steps
will help you heal
the emotional
wounds they
create, recover
your confidence and bounce back quicker
and stronger than you would have
otherwise.
www.trueheart2love.diydating.com
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