Dear Dr. Warren,
My question is regarding long distance
relationships initiated on the Internet.
How much time should you spend with
someone "in person" before deciding to
relocate? You can get to know someone
over the phone and Internet, but I feel
there are too many gaps that can only be
filled by face to face interaction and that
over an extended period. We are very
attracted to each other and feel we are
compatible, but how do you relocate
across the country for a "maybe"?
–Brent, AK
Brent,
This is indeed an important question.
For many years I have emphasised that
long distance couples take some
determined and comprehensive steps
before making a commitment of any
kind.
My first suggestion is that you create as
many opportunities as possible for face
to face interaction before either of you
move. You are correct, the phone and
Internet work well to keep in touch, but
eventually it's vital that you spend hours
and hours of time together just being in
the same place. There's really no other
effective way to determine if you are
truly compatible.
Secondly, I suggest that you visit each
other in as many different circumstances
as you possibly can. Limiting your visits
to romantic weekends or holidays
creates a false sense of experience
together. It's easy to come away from 5
romantic weekends convinced that your
partner is loving, kind, attentive and
adaptable. Of course, your range of
knowledge about the person is shallow
because you've never seen this person
after a hard day of work, stuck in a
traffic jam, furious at you because you
were late, or enduring a crushing
disappointment.
You must find a way to gather a wide
range of knowledge about this person
before pulling up your roots and moving.
It may seem strange to travel across the
country to try and witness your
girlfriend while she goes about her
everyday life, but I believe it is vital if
your relationship is to have a chance of
become a brilliant one.
Lastly, you must come to terms with the
risk involved in your relationship. At
some point, before you marry, one of you
is going to have to pack up and move
their life across the country. This should
be done before there is intent to marry
and certainly before there is an
engagement.
If you have set the wheels in motion to
marry and the move is just a prelim step
in that direction, the momentum of the
wedding may make it hard for one or
both of you to say, "Wait, this doesn't
feel right." You risk making a grave
mistake. You need to spend time early in
your long distance relationship
discussing how this move would happen
if the relationship continues.
Obviously Brent, the broad question you
ask, "How much time?" is impossible to
answer with knowing you and your
circumstance personally. But my best
answer is that you should wait as long as
you can afford to wait and gather as
much information from as many
different circumstances as you can
before you propose marriage. Whatever
decision you reach with this particular
person, I think that the caution and
contemplation that you use at this stage
of the marriage decision will serve you
well throughout the rest of your life.
www.trueheart2love.diydating.com
My question is regarding long distance
relationships initiated on the Internet.
How much time should you spend with
someone "in person" before deciding to
relocate? You can get to know someone
over the phone and Internet, but I feel
there are too many gaps that can only be
filled by face to face interaction and that
over an extended period. We are very
attracted to each other and feel we are
compatible, but how do you relocate
across the country for a "maybe"?
–Brent, AK
Brent,
This is indeed an important question.
For many years I have emphasised that
long distance couples take some
determined and comprehensive steps
before making a commitment of any
kind.
My first suggestion is that you create as
many opportunities as possible for face
to face interaction before either of you
move. You are correct, the phone and
Internet work well to keep in touch, but
eventually it's vital that you spend hours
and hours of time together just being in
the same place. There's really no other
effective way to determine if you are
truly compatible.
Secondly, I suggest that you visit each
other in as many different circumstances
as you possibly can. Limiting your visits
to romantic weekends or holidays
creates a false sense of experience
together. It's easy to come away from 5
romantic weekends convinced that your
partner is loving, kind, attentive and
adaptable. Of course, your range of
knowledge about the person is shallow
because you've never seen this person
after a hard day of work, stuck in a
traffic jam, furious at you because you
were late, or enduring a crushing
disappointment.
You must find a way to gather a wide
range of knowledge about this person
before pulling up your roots and moving.
It may seem strange to travel across the
country to try and witness your
girlfriend while she goes about her
everyday life, but I believe it is vital if
your relationship is to have a chance of
become a brilliant one.
Lastly, you must come to terms with the
risk involved in your relationship. At
some point, before you marry, one of you
is going to have to pack up and move
their life across the country. This should
be done before there is intent to marry
and certainly before there is an
engagement.
If you have set the wheels in motion to
marry and the move is just a prelim step
in that direction, the momentum of the
wedding may make it hard for one or
both of you to say, "Wait, this doesn't
feel right." You risk making a grave
mistake. You need to spend time early in
your long distance relationship
discussing how this move would happen
if the relationship continues.
Obviously Brent, the broad question you
ask, "How much time?" is impossible to
answer with knowing you and your
circumstance personally. But my best
answer is that you should wait as long as
you can afford to wait and gather as
much information from as many
different circumstances as you can
before you propose marriage. Whatever
decision you reach with this particular
person, I think that the caution and
contemplation that you use at this stage
of the marriage decision will serve you
well throughout the rest of your life.
www.trueheart2love.diydating.com
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