divorce sounds simple:
(1) Create and use a good support network to help you release the emotional impact of your divorce,
(2) redefine yourself with a new life purpose,
(3) set and start pursuing new goals for your health, wealth, love,and self-expression, and, if you have kids,
(4) minimise the effect of divorce on your children.
However, it almost never works as is
evidenced by the fact that the typical
divorce recovery time is 3 to 6 years. The
culprit is the huge ball of emotional
reactions triggered by your divorce that
resides in your gut and mucks up your
life decisions as we try to adjust to life as
a single person after years of marriage.
We Need Help to Neutralise the Pain.
The issues that prevent a rapid
adjustment to life after divorce are
emotion-based and, as such, cannot be
solved logically. All we can do is dissolve
the disruptive energy they cause. For
example, you got divorced and it's
painful. You cannot "solve" the problem
of divorce because, regardless of what
you do, you are still divorced. The pain is
the problem. It is emotion-based.
Providing reasons why you shouldn't feel
that way only makes matters worse.
However, we can "dissolve" away the
pain by disclosing and discussing it with
a trusted person. I call this person a
"Transition Partner" or "TP."
If you hold the emotional reactions in,
they fester and grow. If you disclose
them to a well-meaning, but unhelpful,
friend, they gather energy and grow
even more. Your charge: You must find a
person who can be truly helpful in
reducing the damaging impact of your
emotional reactions to your divorce and
subsequent life after divorce. But who?
Kate's Story:
When I first met my sister-in-law she
had been divorced for five years. The
divorce was messy and publically
humiliating and she was still angry and
resentful toward her ex. "Bill bashing"
was a favorite sport. Twenty-five years
later Kate's professional life had
blossomed but her personal life was
much the same. She had achieved
national recognition for her work in
school systems. However, she was still
angry, bitter, and resentful toward her
ex. All efforts to start new relationships
had fizzled, and the topic of relationships was considered "off limits."
Then, at 53, she died from cancer, a professional success but an emotional cripple. Her effort to adjust to life after
divorce had not worked. But why?
The Most Common Mistake:
Picking the Wrong Transition Partner
Kate made the common, but disastrous,
mistake of picking the wrong Transition
Partner. She paid for it dearly. By default, her best friend, Jill, became her de facto TP. After all, what are friends for, right? Jill joined in on the "Bill bashing" which helped Kate relive, rather relieve, the pain. This prevented Jill from providing a reliable sounding board for Kate to be heard, understood,and allowed to move past her anger and resentment. The result was a 30-year life sentence of victimhood and loneliness.
So, who should Kate have chosen?
Beware of the good friend who wants to
please. They may not have the courage
to help. Kate's life would have been vastly different had she chosen a Transition Partner who had these five critical qualifications. A good TP will: Have NO PERSONAL AGENDA. Their only concern is your happiness regardless of what form the arrangement may ultimately take.
Be able to tell you the TRUTH, even
when it is not what you want to hear.
Be DIVORCED before, so they can truly
understand what you are dealing with.
Be AVAILABLE to talk with you regularly, frequently, and in depth. And, Be willing to WITHHOLD JUDGMENT and ADVICE.
If you select a TP that meets these
requirements and if you give him/her
permission to do their job, then the odds
of dramatically speeding up your recovery skyrocket.
Ironically, this rules out the obvious choices: most friends, family members,
and lovers past and present. All these
people almost always have a preferred
solution they want us to accept.
Take Aways: So what would Kate tell us now if she could?
Everyone recovering from divorce needs
a Transition Partner. The one decision
you have the most confidence in, picking
your TP, is usually a bad one. A good
friend may be a bad TP. Make your
selection a conscious choice. Select
someone who has the five criteria above.
Let them know what you need. Give
them permission to be helpful. Pick Carefully. Pick wisely. Adjustment becomes almost routine. Pick poorly and
the consequences are measured in the
number of years lost.
Have you seen others make this same
mistake — relying or confiding in the
wrong people after a divorce or a breakup?
www.trueheart2love.diydating.com
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